


King of Hearts

by Marium



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Jealousy, M/M, RomCom AU, Sasha is an awesome friend, and general attempts at cuteness meanwhile, early-mid thirties Negan, mid-late twenties Rick, past Negan/Sasha Williams, precious crush, romcom in the sense that its gonna get messy around the middle that way romcoms do, stubborn Negan refuses to admit his feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-03-17 13:56:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 55,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13660410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marium/pseuds/Marium
Summary: In a sense, Rick guesses that it’s his fault that Negan’s last relationship went to shit. It was never his intention, for sure, but he understood why Negan might look at it differently. He’s more than happy that the man doesn’t blame him, but still, that doesn’t quite justify Negan going from there to outright asking him out on a date.Negan can’t have been thinking of him all this time, too, can he? This must be something new. But new or not, Rick knows that any doubt - and perhaps better judgement - he has is gonna fly right out the window. Of course he’s gonna say yes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, my romcom au. Been rolling around in my head for a handful months now and finally started working on it. I am very excited about this one, so I wish from the bottom of my heart you people will enjoy it! So please, have a look and see if you like! Thank you! <3

“Isn’t Negan coming?”

The tone Rick used was even, carefully neutral, a bit cold. His face was no more expressive, a disinterested look in his eyes as he closed the door. Sasha rolled her eyes and gave a smile that had just enough wryness on it as she shrugged her jacket off and left it at the entrance.

“You’re not seeing him, are you?”

“I just thought you were gonna bring him along, is all. I’m surprised, he doesn’t feel like the kind of guy to turn down something like this.”

“He’s not” Sasha laughed, patting Rick’s cheek lightly. He wrinkled his nose and stepped back, a glitter of amusement bright in his eye. “He wanted to come, if only for the booze and the chance to be an asshole and make everyone roll their eyes, but I convinced him to stay at his place. I guess he’ll be marathoning some movies and bitch at me through text, but he’s staying there.”

“Why? I doubt he can do anything he hasn’t done already.”

“I didn’t want any dead body tonight, is all. Not his and certainly not yours.” Sasha crossed her arms and raised her eyebrow at Rick, who had enough decency to look chastised, eyes down at his shoes as a slight blush spread through his cheeks. She just laughed again. “Relax, Rick. Look, he’s a hard man to deal with, I get it. If I wasn’t with him I’d be butting heads with him too. Not as much as you do, for sure, but I would. Then again, I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people get along worse than the two of you. I’d be grateful to you _both_ if you worked on that. But let’s not worry about that tonight, huh?” she added before he could look embarrassed again.

He hummed, low-pitched and long, thoughtful. He smiled at her when she smiled at him, and then lingered for a moment on the doorstep when Sasha went inside, being greeted by Maggie and Michonne, who welcomed her into a hug. He waited for a few more moments, schooled his expression back into something relaxed and friendly, and went into the living room with everyone else.

It was a small gathering, just about ten people having dinner, chatting, and perhaps watching a movie later. Not very glamorous, maybe, but good. And fun. And quiet. Wouldn’t have been quite so quiet if Negan had tagged along, that was for sure. He’d have joked too loud and laughed too loud and eaten too loud and made comments too loud and existed too loud. He would have likely said something that would have made someone pissed or embarrassed, and no one would have known if he meant it or if he just didn’t realize it. Maybe not even himself.

But at the same time, it wouldn’t have really ruined the night. It’d be fun, in a way, to see the guy being an asshole, banter with him, rise up to him… That had an edge that was undeniably enjoyable. To Rick, at least. Until it got out of hand. Then he’d have to remind himself why it wasn’t a good idea to break the asshole’s nose. He was Sasha’s boyfriend, after all.

In any case, Negan was most definitely not needed to have fun. It wasn’t for nothing that Rick felt a lot of tension leave him after he heard the man wasn’t coming, after all. He had his friends and that was what he needed to have a good time. And if they felt like having a boost, they had beer.

A lot of beer.

A little too much, maybe.

What was too much, though? Rick found it hard to draw a limit when his booming laugh filled the room, arm over Glenn’s shoulder and then he emptied half another glass in one go.

But maybe _this_ was the sign of too much. Rick might have recognized it if he hadn’t crossed the line already. Then again he wouldn’t know the line if he hadn’t crossed it, so in the end, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that he was in the hallway with Sasha, while the others laughed loudly in the living room. She was perky, that was for sure, but something told Rick she was much more level-headed than he was. But he didn’t feel self-conscious, just feeling compelled to return her smile.

“Alright, Rick, so what was this super important thing you wanted to talk about?”

Good question. What could it be? Rick’s brain digged deep for the answer. Super important thing, super important thing… _Oh._

Rick sobered up a little, haziness dissipating partially from his eyes and dorky smile coming down as he stood up straighter under Sasha’s curious eyes. He looked down, licked his lips, and hesitated for a moment before nodding. He looked her dead in the eye.

“Yeah, about the thing. You see, Sasha, I realize this might be kind of awkward, but… Look, here comes the funny part, really really funny. You would never believe it. Ok, here it comes, you ready? Yeah, you’re ready. Well, the thing is... I’m in love with your boyfriend. With Negan.”

One, two, three beats.

“What.” Not a question. Said flatly.

“I know, I know, _very_ awkward. I’m sorry, I just… ” Rick’s eyes widened and he added, hurriedly, “You don’t think I’m gonna try to get him, right? No, never. You’re with him and he makes you happy and that matters more. I just thought you deserved to know, is all. And I needed to get it out.”

And he felt kind of guilty about it and he was drunk with his self-control at his minimum, too.

Sasha blinked at him a few times, each blink making Rick’s skin more and more sweaty. Then she closed her eyes, raised her hands, and breathed deeply. Well, at least she didn’t look pissed. That was good.

“Alright, let me see if I get this straight. You have a thing for Negan.”

“I’m in love with him, yeah.”

“... Rick, I thought you couldn’t stand him.”

Rick laughed nervously and scratched the back of his neck, nervous smile and eyes cast to some point at Sasha’s right. He heard a loud cheer on the room and then a soft thud. Alright, someone had gone past their point and passed out. Rick’s bet was on Glenn.

The night wasn’t supposed to end like this, really. More than one thing had gotten out of hand.

“That’s true” he started, wetting his lips and dragging the words out. “I _couldn’t_ stand him. Sometimes I can’t even now. It’s just…” He started gesticulating wildly in front of himself, staring at his hands as he moved them around. Then he looked at Sasha. “Get it?”

Sasha’s mouth was hanging slightly open and her brow was furrowed, but then she smoothed the expression down and nodded.

“I get that love’s complicated, Rick. You don’t need to explain it.”

“Oh. Oh, that’s, that’s good, yes. Thank you.” He scratched the back of his head, swinged on his heels, bit down on his lip, looked at her, looked down, looked back up at her. “I know I’m drunk, alright? Wouldn’t be telling you otherwise.” He laughed to himself. “Most of the time I can’t even acknowledge it to myself. But yeah, it’s not something I’m making up now.”

Sasha crossed her arms, eyes in some unspecified point. Rick heard her suck on her lower lip for a long dragged-out moment. “I’m not gonna lie, Rick, I’m not sure what to tell you.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything. I told you, I’m not planning to do anything and I don’t expect anything to happen. I had to say it out loud, is all. I hope… I hope everything’s alright?”

Rick sighed in relief when he saw Sasha nod and give him a friendly smile, hand on his shoulder. It was warm and reassuring. “Of course it is. Not ideal, sure, and pretty damn awkward, but it’s alright. It’s probably more uncomfortable for you than it is for me.”

“That’s not a problem. I can deal with it. I don’t want anything to change between us.”

“It won’t, I promise. You’re my friend, after all.”

Rick smiled wide, but still with a hint of quickly-fading awkwardness. “You’re my friend, too.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

“Oh my god, Negan, you’re just _awful_!”

“You knew that when you signed the deal, baby. Can’t dislike it that much if you’re still around.”

Negan was sporting an easy smile and wriggling his eyebrows at Sasha, who looked down at him with her eyes narrowed and her hands on her hips. He made himself comfortable on the couch and made a gesture for her to sit on his lap, but she rolled her eyes and walked to the other side, lips pressing tighter together.

“Yeah, I knew, but then you started being awful to my friends! You know, I supposed you’d tone it down and try to get along with them, for my sake.”

“I do! I get along with them just fine! Don’t you see that I’m joking with them all the time? Being friendly, laughing together! Good nice fun!”

Negan spread his hands out and opened his eyes wide at Sasha, as if he was presenting something incredibly obvious to her. Then he gave her a toothy grin and gestured to his lap again, sagging against the back of the couch and spreading his arms out along it, easy, relaxed smile on his face.

Sasha’s eyebrow twitched repeatedly.

“Screaming into the phone to fuck off because you need my pussy to eat while I’m talking with Rick hardly counts as friendly joking, Negan.”

Negan sneered and rolled his eyes.

“Come _on_ , Sash! Not my fault the guy’s a little bitch with the whole Empire State shoved up his ass! We have a perfectly healthy and normal sex life and we’ve never hidden it. If the guy’s sore I’m getting some good rolling on the sheets and he’s getting blue balls, then he should try to loosen up a bit and go out to a bar.”

“He’s pretty loose and friendly when he’s not being poked at, you know. By you, mostly.”

“Hell, not my fault the guy’s got a problem with me. Nothing I ever do is good enough to not earn me a bitch face. What’s the problem with him, anyway? Does he have a crush on you and he’s bitter that I scored you first?”

At that Sasha actually snorted, an ironic smile almost taking place on her lips before she sobered up and rolled her eyes. She started tapping on the floor with her shoe.

“His problem has got a name and it’s Negan. You have it out for him. And yes, I know, he had it out for you too, before. When we first started dating he didn’t stop saying you were just trying to get into my pants.”

Negan huffed. “Then I wouldn’t have suggested you took yoga to deal with your anger issues instead of being in my fighting class. Do you know how grateful I am to this day that you ignored me? You look all hot when you’re heated and sweaty, baby, makes my dick harder than a diamond.”

“ _But_ ” Sasha continued, pointedly ignoring Negan’s interruption and lightly swatting away the hand fondling her ass, “that was before. He’s been trying to be civil to you, but you just keep being an ass to him. Not very nice of you, Negan.”

“Alright, so I like poking fun at him, and?” Negan shrugged. “Not my fault it’s so fucking fun. He’s much better than all the others. You should try it sometime, the face he gets is fucking priceless. Looks like he’s constipated. Or like he’s trying not to jump me and give me the fuck of my life against the wall. I really can’t get enough of it. I wonder what messed up shit is going on in his head.”

“That’s because he’s in love with you, Negan. You shouldn’t use that to make him miserable.”

One, two, three.

“What?”

What she had just said caught up to Sasha. She gasped softly, bringing her hands up to cover her mouth, and watched as Negan blinked a couple times, mouth hanging open.

“What the hell did you just say, Sasha?”

Sasha hesitated for a long moment, biting down on her lip. She really shouldn’t… But it was already out there, nothing she could do about that - _fucking brilliant move_ , she told herself - and maybe, just maybe, if she explained it then Negan would get it and quit his bullshit. She sighed, quickly throwing the shock away and covering herself up with a serious, judging expression.

“You haven’t heard this from me, Negan. Actually, you haven’t heard it at all. But yes, Rick’s got a thing for you. That’s why he’s especially vulnerable when you mess with him. You’re not just being annoying, you’re playing with his heart. So yes, I really, really would appreciate it if you stopped doing that.”

Slowly, Negan’s dumbstruck expression gave way to something else. A cold fear ran right under Sasha’s skin when she saw the shine in his eyes and a second later, he was booming with laughter.

“Fuck! Oh fuck! Damn, I can’t breathe. Rick? Ricky Dicky Rick? He’s in love with me? God, this is too fucking much, baby. I’d think you’re fucking with me but damn, it makes sense. Guy’s gotta be a masochist, but he’s got good taste. Fuck, that stupid fucker’s got a hard on for me? Fucking hell, I can’t. I’m dying. This is too much fun.”

Sasha’s expression had gone cold. Not cold like it was before, annoyed and pissed. It was downright icy now. Her eyes were almost empty.

“Careful there, Negan. I’ve known Rick since I was eighteen and I met you seven months ago. I really don’t like what you’re saying right now.”

“What? You’re telling me you’re gonna choose the little bitch over me and my sex god skills?”

In hindsight, Negan would realize he shouldn’t have had such a wide grin when he said that. He shouldn’t have said that at all, period.

Sasha’s expression became completely neutral. She went over to the table, grabbed Negan’s phone, and then she grabbed him by the arm. Surprised as he was, he was easy to carry over to the door.

“Yes, I’d choose Rick over ten of you. We’re done, Negan.”

She threw the phone. It hit Negan’s open-mouthed face, hit the floor, and then the door closed in front of him.

One second later he was banging on it.

“What the shit? Sasha! Sasha! Sash! Open the door! Open it, pretty fucking please! Baby! Alright, I’m sorry, that was fucking bad taste of me. Can’t blame the fucker for being a dumb little bi- Fuck, I’m sorry. Babe, just let me in, we can talk about this. I already miss you. Sasha, please!”

Inside, Sasha was putting on her headphones and getting the volume to the maximum. ‘Less cute’ started playing, and she listened to it as she tried to force her expression back to smoothness from the harsh, contracted grimace it was, hide away the hurt and the second thoughts.

Half an hour later, when she brought the music down to silence, there was no banging on the door anymore.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Rick was checking his bag as he walked through the street. Wallet, keys, phone, the documents… Yeah, it looked like everything was there-

His head met someone’s chin and he took a step back, letting out a little gasp of surprise. He blinked repeatedly as he brought his focus back on the here and now.

“Sorry. It was my fault, I wasn’t-”

Rick’s words died down when he looked at the person he had walked into and was met with Negan’s raised eyebrow looking down at him, lips twisted in a tight line. Rick felt a cold sweat start to form at the base of his neck and his mouth became become kinda dry.

“O- Oh, hi, Negan. Em, long time no see, right? I, huh, sorry about this, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“It’s cool. I wasn’t paying a lot of attention, either.” Negan’s voice was firm and calm, and something in it made a shiver run down Rick’s spine. His expression had morphed into something friendlier, a slight smile, but it had something sharp on its edge that had Rick swallowing hard. Something sort of dangerous.

“And yeah, it’s been a while. Almost a month since Sasha and I broke up. Time sure as fuck flies, doesn’t it?”

Rick felt compelled to look down, but he didn’t, and so Negan had a pretty good look at how his cheeks got red as he stepped closer, stopping barely a palm away from Rick. They looked into each other’s eyes, except Rick’s couldn’t stop flickering between Negan’s warm hazel ones and his lips.

Said lips curved up into a more pronounced smile. “So you’ve got a crush on me, Grimes? Damn, you had me fooled.”

The red on Rick’s cheeks got hotter and he’d have looked down in shame if he hadn’t been caught up in the magnetism of Negan’s smile. The man licked his lips and Rick felt his mouth go drier.

“I’m sorry.”

“The hell for, Rick? Falling in love’s something more than natural. Happens to everyone all the time. No shame in it, man. Embrace the fuck out of it, love’s something beautiful. Can I have your phone for a moment?”

Dumbstruck, Rick didn’t hesitate to give what was asked. Negan laughed softly to himself, typed something on Rick’s phone, and gave it back with a new contact that read ‘❤ babe ❤’. Rick’s eyes widened when he saw it, a ball of fluttery birds forming on the base of his stomach, but when he looked up at Negan for an explanation, the man was already stepping back, hand beside his ear, thumb and pinky spread out to mimic a phone.

“Call me” he said with a laugh and wink. Then he continued his way, oblivious to - or maybe just ignoring - the way Rick looked at him, face reaching the peak of redness and not knowing what the hell had just happened.


	2. Taste of bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. The 'romcom' tag is because of what the tags specify, but also because I was thinking of two specific romcoms when watching this that Jeffrey and Andy were in - The accidental husband for Jeffrey, and Love actually for Andy. Just a curiosity, now go ahead and please enjoy!

Rick would have loved to say that he maintained his dignity and took some time before calling Negan, that he allowed himself to think of it carefully and thoroughly, consider what exactly Negan was aiming at - because he couldn’t possibly want what he had implied he wanted, right? Right? - and act accordingly, cautiously. Most of all, it was about not feeling  _ desperate _ , not letting Negan know that his fingertips had been itching, tingling with desire to go to the new contact and press ‘call’. He should make him wait. A good few hours, maybe a day. Make him think Rick wasn’t gonna contact him at all.

Reality was, pathetically, that the only reason Rick took three hours - two hours and fifty three minutes, actually - to contact Negan was that it was the time it took him to get done with the paperwork he had to do and manage not to get all red and sweaty from the flusterment boiling inside him at the mere thought of talking to Negan. Even if it was at the man’s request.

At the very least, he managed to keep it down to a text message rather than a call. A point for dignity.

It totally wasn’t because he knew he’d stutter and make a fool of himself if it was a direct conversation. But hell, was he tempted to just call and hear that low, raspy voice that made shivers run down and back up his spine, and that resounding, easily-triggered laugh...

Fuck, he didn’t have this many problems back when Negan was blissfully unaware of Rick’s feelings. He could even keep up a facade of hating the guy’s guts. Look at him now.  _ Get a hold of yourself, Grimes. _

_ ‘Hey there. It’s Rick’ _

Damn, far too dry, Rick thought, biting down on his lip as he looked at the already-sent message. It kept ringing through his head in the ten minutes between him sending it and entering into his flat.

_ ‘Hope I didn’t keep you waiting or something, I had stuff to do’ _

_ ‘I’m done with it now though’ _

_ ‘How about you?’ _

_ ‘Hope you’re having a nice day’ _

_ Fucking c’mon, Grimes, _ Rick told himself, looking at the small handful of messages, his heart beating in his chest far louder than it had any right to,  _ you’re gonna make him think you’re either stupid or desperate. Quit it. _

With an exasperated huff at himself and a blush he still couldn’t properly will down, Rick threw the phone onto his bed as he entered the room, deciding to just let the matter slip out of his mind for a while, until he got a response. Negan might be too busy to answer at the time, for all he knew, so it’d be better to just focus on something else.

But what if Negan answered and Rick wasn’t paying attention to his phone? He’d already taken a good few hours to send the first message, and now he might make him wait again for an answer. What would Negan think? Rick might be treating him as something not worth his time, in his eyes. Rick couldn’t allow that.

_ Keep your cool, keep your cool. It’s just a conversation on a phone. _

Didn’t stop his eyes from wandering there, though.

In the end, Rick’s self-respect remained intact for 3 minutes, until he was fully changed out of his street clothes and into a comfortable old tee and sweatpants. He looked at the phone for three seconds and then his hand snatched it, immediately tapping the home button to see if he’d gotten any messages. He told himself he didn’t feel disappointment about the answer being no - filthy filthy lies - and physically made himself shrug. He’d just sent it, after all. It’d take a while for Negan to see it. He’d just check it later.

By later he meant 5 minutes later.

Then ten minutes later.

Then eight minutes.

Back to five.

Ten again.

Half an hour. Hooray.

Oops, back to five.

After an hour and a half or so, Rick managed to make himself not to be so on top of it, but it did cross his mind more times than he wished it did, and he checked his phone every single time. Some messages from Andrea, one from Glenn, a pic of a cat on the street from Daryl - he swore to God that man used even fewer actual words on text than he did on person - and a handful from Michonne. Negan, however? Nothing.

Rick hated to admit it, but by the time he got the response, eight hours later, he was getting outright anxious. When he saw ‘babe’ on the screen - he should have changed that the moment he got the phone back in his hands, he really didn’t understand why he hadn’t - his heart made a small leap and he rushed to check it.

**_‘well, nice enough to have run into you so id say it was pretty ok :p’_ **

Rick found himself smiling dumbly at the message, his blush back in a soft, cheerful way.

_ ‘Aren’t you a charmer’ _

He waited for a little while for an answer, and when it didn’t come, he only felt a little bit of disappointment. Negan had answered, in the end, so now he knew he would answer again. No reason to make a fool of himself all over again, even if he was the only one who knew enough to judgingly glare at himself for it. Rick set the phone aside and checked it again a little while later, when he was getting into bed. Nothing.

Just as he was about to silence it for the night, an answer came.

**_‘you know it baby’_ **

**_‘wanna go on a date with me btw?’_ **

**_‘promise i can be a fuckin cool date’_ **

**_‘youll love it’_ **

No way. No possible way, Rick thought as he stared blankly as the messages appeared on his lockscreen and then disappeared a moment later, staying there just long enough for Rick to read them. Negan had shown to be more friendly and flirty than Rick would have expected of him, sure, but this was a whole different thing.

With a groan, Rick turned the phone off completely and threw himself under the covers like a petulant child. His brain was far too damn ready to shut down for the night right now. If he wasn’t asleep already and that wasn’t a dream, then he’d deal with it in the morning.

The words Negan and date kept rolling around in his mind until the moment he actually fell asleep, however, no matter how much he fought to push them aside.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

_ Will he show up will he show up will he show up _

Saturday morning found Rick on the entrance of the park, at an hour he would normally spend sleeping on any other weekend, rolling on his heels with his hands shoved deep inside his pockets and checking the time every few minutes. Negan had told him to meet him there, and Rick hadn’t wasted more than a breath to answer yes. So there he was now, waiting for him to come.

He was late. Five minutes. Rick tried not to get nervous. He also told himself not to be so damn dramatic. Negan was a crush, not the love of his life, for fuck’s sake.

Back when they were together, Sasha would have no hesitation complaining about her boyfriend to her friends. He knew many of the man’s bad habits, Rick knew that, and he also knew he didn’t have ‘being late’ as one of them. According to Sasha, Negan was either punctual to a fault - to the point of timing it and stepping in right on the accorded time, not a minute earlier or later - or made a point of purposefully getting to the place twenty minutes earlier just so he could smirk and rub on Sasha’s face that she’d had him waiting. A very asshole habit to have, for sure, but nope, he wasn’t known for being late.

As he waited, Rick was unable to keep himself from wondering whether Negan was going to show up at all. Maybe he was just messing with him a bit, a bad taste sort of prank to get back at him. After all, it was kind of Rick’s fault that Negan and Sasha had broken up in the first place, and he wouldn’t put it beyond Negan to do something like that. It was one thing to not hold ill will towards Rick because of it and show some friendliness, that was believable, but asking Rick for his number and then propose to have a date just like that, all of sudden after meeting him one single time after all that had happened? It wasn’t the kind of thing that happened in real life. A movie, maybe, but not reality.

For all he knew, Negan might be somewhere else, maybe with his friends, maybe having a drink, and maybe they’d be laughing as Negan told them between chuckles and swigs how Rick was waiting for him on a date he had no intention of showing up to, making a fool out of himself.

Then Rick saw Negan approaching on the distance, ten minutes later than they’d agreed but offering an apology in the form of a bright, cheerful smile that showed his perfect teeth, and all doubts flew out the window of Rick’s head as he felt his knees go just a little bit weak at the sight, a smile of his own forming on his lips.

“Sorry, sorry. Shit, I’m late, am I not? Hope I didn’t make you wait too long. Fucking traffic, man, it’s crazy.”

“Don’t worry, I just got here. Didn’t have time to get bored or anything.”

“Great.” Negan’s grin grew, somehow sharper and warmer at the same time, and happy lines appeared around his eyes as he looked down at Rick, who found himself unable and unwilling to look away.

He rolled his shoulders and put his hands on his pockets. He licked his lower lip slowly, eyes on Negan’s. “So, hm, if you don’t mind me asking… This whole ‘date’ deal…”

“Oh, yeah, about that. Er, shit, I guess this can be sort of awkward, huh? I mean, it  _ is  _ kind of a date because we agreed to meet here in the park and it’s all cute and romantic and shit, only it’s not really a date. Not a date per se.” Rick tried not to show that he had just deflated like a balloon running into a cactus’ embrace. “So yeah, date-that’s-not-a-date-but-actually-it-is. Whatever. We’re both here, right? Right. So yeah, Rick, not that I’m saying I don’t feel like being with you for the sake of it, but mainly I wanted to talk some shit with you. About you. You alright with that?”

Rick hummed and tilted his head to the side. He inflated back again, just a little bit, and nodded.

Negan went from the awkwardly apologetic look back to his cheerful smile, and made a gesture for them to start moving. Rick started doing so, but Negan caught his arm. He looked back, eyebrow raised, and Negan shook his head, pointing to the opposite direction. Rick narrowed his eyes but obeyed, and when a handful steps later he gave Negan a quizzical look, the man just shrugged and gave him a wink as an answer, tongue poking out.

If Negan’s plan was for Rick to be too busy staring at the floor hiding the red in his cheeks to actually ask, then damn, he got what he wanted. Fucking handsome asshole.

“So” he eventually asked, keeping his voice carefully casual and still avoiding looking at Negan, even if the blush had long disappeared. “You said you wanted to talk about me. I guess it’s about…” He made a vague gesture with his hand, knowing Negan needed no more words to get what he was getting at.

“Your crush on me.” There it was. For all the lack of venom and mockery on Negan’s voice, for all the words sounded easy and unjudging, Rick still felt them weigh down on him far more than mere sound waves should be able to.

He didn’t answer. He just hummed and stubbornly kept refusing to look at Negan.

“I mean, not that I’m complaining about it or anything, because shit, that’s the kinda stuff that tickles my ego just fucking right, you know? Makes me feel all big and fucking amazing. But, well, I ain’t. Not to you, at least. Far as I know, you think I’m a goddamn piece of fucking shit, right? So…” Rick felt the same vague gesture he had recurred to moments ago. “Why, if I may ask?”

Rick held his answer for ten long seconds and sighed. “First of all, you’re not any piece of shit. Don’t be that dramatic. You’re just varying levels or irritating.”

Negan snorted, but didn’t seem to have taken it badly. Rick wet his lip slowly, then proceeded to nibble down on it to entertain himself while he found the way to say what he had to say. He didn’t know how.

“Negan, you’re… You’re loud, rude, and you got no shame. You curse more than you speak, you can’t go through two sentences without talking about sex in some way, and sometimes I doubt if you’re even able to ever take anything seriously. Sometimes you’ll just speak and speak and speak and not let anyone else say anything ‘til you’re done, and you hate being disagreed with. You enjoy making other people uncomfortable or pissed off, and most of all you’ve got it out for me. And still, people like being around you, most of the time. And still, I like you, myself.”

Rick didn’t need to look at Negan to know he was looking at him; he could feel the man’s heavy eyes on his skin. He blushed when he met those eyes for a moment and let out a nervous laugh.

“You’re cheerful and sort of childish and you’re joking and laughing all the time. It’s contagious. You put so much energy and passion into every single thing you say that it’s impossible to not listen to you. Even when you’re being an ass, I think it’s mostly because you don’t realize people can’t tell when you’re being serious or joking, or maybe it’s just because you speak before you think, but I don’t think you want to make people uncomfortable. We argue a lot, but it’s sort of exciting, in a way, if that makes sense. Like it’s become a game between the two of us and I just hadn’t caught up yet. And... I’ve seen you when you smile at Sasha. You’re softer when you do. Warmer. For a few moments it was just the two of you and you wanted her to see how much you loved being with her. I think you’re gentle, under all of it, and I couldn’t help wanting to know what it’s like to have you being like that, just for me and no one else.” Rick made a pause. Too much. He looked up. “You’re pretty easy on the eyes, too. That helps.”

Maybe that didn’t take away or tone down what he’d said, but it did get Negan snorting in amusement rather than following Rick’s words with a long, awkward silence. Rick dared a look at him and found himself smiling when he saw the shine in Negan’s eyes. He found he didn’t need to look away.

“Well, Rick, that was fucking touching. Thank you.” Negan tilted his head, still smiling, then frowned a bit. “And that wasn’t sarcasm, by the way. No joking here. I’m a piece of shit most of the time, I know that, and knowing someone can get an impression like that from it, without having to get all the layers of shit out of the way first... Fuck. Maybe I’m not as much of a hopeless asshole as I thought. Really, thank you.”

Rick nodded, wrinkles around his eyes from smiling so wide. Then he sobered up a bit, smile coming down - but not disappearing - and he tilted his head. “Doesn’t it bother you, then?”

“What? The crush?” Rick nodded. “Huh? Why’d it bother me?”

Rick flushed and stammered, then he nervously gestured at his own body. Negan blinked a couple times, eyes narrowing.

“You mean ‘cause you’re a guy?” Rick nodded again, and Negan laughed out loud, head thrown back as he slapped his own leg. “Well, damn! That’d be a hell of a fucking hypocrisy of me, Rick, considering I love cock more than I love chocolate. And let me tell you, I’d sell my soul to big, red, horned Satan for some chocolate. And if I’m lucky, maybe Satan will be hot and horny” he added with a wink.

Rick stared. Then blinked. Then he kept staring.

He hadn’t considered that possibility.

“Huh?” he mumbled in shining display of all his college-formed intellect.

Negan responded with a soft chuckle. “Yeah, Rick, I’m into guys. I forgive you for the assumption. I did date Sasha, after all. But maybe you’d be interested in knowing that I spent a long time thinking I batted exclusively for team rainbow.” He winked and Rick blushed fiercely, mouth a thin line. Negan looked ahead, smiling lazily.

Rick let silence linger between them for just a few moments, while he regained his balance. “You swing both ways, then?” he asked, careful. “But have a preference for men? Or used to, I guess. You were really into Sasha. But that kind of sounded like you...”

Negan shrugged. “I like what I like. But yes, Rickey, you got it right. I have a preference for men. It’s what I default to, most of the time. Too goddamn sexy to resist, feel me? Women, I like them, but they don’t turn my head as often, you know? Only occasionally. But when I find one that catches my eye,  _ oh boy _ .” Negan grinned, showing his teeth, ferally delighted. “I’ve been into a good handful and holy goddamn, they always take my fucking breath away. Like Sasha. She’s something else, ain’t she?”

Negan was smiling wistfully when he said that, with a tone that matched his expression. Rick watched him attentively for a few long moments, trying to decide whether to comment on it or not. In the end, he sighed.

“I’m sorry about that, you know. I didn’t, well, I never meant for anything of that to happen.”

Negan snapped out of it with a couple blinks and tilted his head towards Rick, eyes wide. “You’re talking about us two breaking up, right?”

Rick hummed. He intended to elaborate, but before he had the chance to do so-

“The hell, Rick? None of that shit, you hear me? Can’t believe you’re apologizing to  _ me _ . You didn’t want that to happen, I know that, so consider yourself more than forgiven, alright? No hard feelings. And in any case, I think it’s me who should be saying sorry, hm? I’ve been a huge bitchy bitch to you and all I can say about it is that making fun of you was more entertaining than anyone else ‘cause you always were so damn ready to jump at the chance to tell me to fuck off. I deserved it, I see that now. So Rick, do you believe me if I say I’m sorry?”

It took a very long moment of looking into Negan’s resolute frown, with his nostrils widened and lips thin, but eventually Rick let his expression morph in a small yet bright smile and nodded. As soon as he did so, Negan’s expression eased up into a similar one.

“Alright, Negan, I accept your apology. But only if you accept mine.”

“That’s something I can work with, Rick.”

“Where are we going, by the way?” Rick asked after having let a comfortable silence fall between them for a few minutes. Negan winked at him and shrugged, tongue poking out.

“You’ll see soon enough.”

And soon enough, more exactly four minutes and a half later, Rick saw. He looked up in curiosity at the baseball stadium rising before them, and as he looked at Negan to ask, the man grabbed him by the shoulder and made him accompany him up to the entrance.

Rick tilted his head to the side, disappointed. “I didn’t bring any money for this, Negan.”

“That’s because you didn’t know we were coming. And you didn’t know because I didn’t tell you. And I didn’t tell you because I got it covered, baby.”

Negan gave a hip thrust, fist in the air, and Rick had no choice but snort and roll his eyes. The man searched in his pockets, fished up two tickets, and after offering them in the entrance he dragged Rick inside, hand always on his neck.

“The two best seats I could get. Hope you’re into sports, it’d be damn embarrassing if you weren’t” he said in response to Rick’s quizzical look. “Think of it as my way of saying sorry. Doesn’t mean much if you say the words and that’s it. And,” he added bringing his index finger to Rick’s lips, “you don’t have to make up for anything. Just me. Don’t wanna hear anything about it.”

Rick accepted it, eyes narrowing in mirth at Negan. He bit down in his lip to stop himself from laughing. “Baseball’s alright. It will do just fine.”

If there was a bright, blissed blush on Rick’s face, then Negan was being polite enough not to bring it up. And if Rick was letting himself forget that having Negan’s arm over his shoulder, pressing him close to the man’s body as they laughed and had fun together wasn’t something he’d have all the times he wanted, well, then that was his problem. But right now, he was too busy feeling warm and over the clouds to worry about it.

It was a one-time thing. A non-date with the guy he liked. No harm in allowing himself to get lost on it for a while.

“I didn’t know you were into this stuff.” The game was already started, and Negan was hollering in excitement, fists still up in the air even as he fell back onto his seat along with half the audience of the game. A much more subdued Rick inspected him with the corner of his lips lifted and a shine in his eyes.

He might not be that much into baseball, but seeing Negan’s excitement was a spectacle he could get into just fine. Who would have guessed he could be that damn cute?

“You didn’t? Fuck, that’s just sad, Rick. I fucking love this goddamn game. You wanna get to my heart? Forget about my stomach, just buy me tickets to a game of whatever. Baseball, rugby, tennis, soccer. I’m putty in your hands.” Negan flashed a bright, bright, bright smile Rick’s way. He was almost blinded for a moment. “I coached lots of sports before. I fucking love the kids, but apparently, I’m too ‘wild’ and ‘foul-mouthed’ and that makes me a ‘bad influence’.” Negan made air quotes and rolled his eyes. Rick chuckled. Negan grinned at that. “I’m pretty into my fighting shit, too, so I’m happy with what I do now, but yeah, sports hold my heart.”

It looked like he was gonna say something else, but in that moment, the game required his attention and he was back on his feet, using his hands as a megaphone and screaming some obscenity. When he came back down, his eyes spotted some food vendor and waved him over.

“None of that, Rick” he hummed, opening his wallet with one hand and using the other to make Rick lower his, when the other got ready to pay for his part. “It’s on me.”

“You already paid for the tickets” Rick pointed out, somewhat petulant, crossing his arms.

“That I did. Because I told you we’d have a date and date or not, I’m gonna treat it like one. And if there’s something I’m not, it’s a fucking bad date. I asked you out, costs are on me. Plain and fucking simple, Grimes. Now shut the hell up and let me be a dashing gentleman.”

“Don’t worry. You’re certainly making me swoon.”

“Nice to hear. I’m working my charm to the best of my ability, here. Would be a disappointment if it got me no points.”

Not for the first time in the day, Rick wondered how much he could smile before his cheeks started aching from it. It wouldn’t be the last, either.

By the time the game was over and the two of them were back at the entrance of the park, ready to part ways, Rick had smiled and laughed and joked so much that he was sure his cheeks would hurt all day, but he didn’t mind. Not even the prospect of having to part from Negan got him as down as he thought it would have. Still, it made his expression fall a little.

Negan stood in front of him, hands in his pockets. A faint smile adorned his lips, and he was looking down at Rick with half-hooded eyes, something almost sweet in his expression. If he hadn’t known better, Rick would have thought Negan looked smitten.

“Today was fun, Rick. I had a good time.”

“So did I.” Rick sounded a little bit breathless, but he didn’t feel self-conscious about it. Then, before his brain had a chance to forbid it, he said, “Would you like to meet some other time?”

“Funny thing, Rick” Negan hummed, drawling the words along, “I was about to ask you the same thing. We must be in tune or something.”

Rick gave himself a long second to freak out in his head before laughing softly, hoping he came across as much calmer than he really was. “Is that a yes, then?”

“Of course it’s a yes, Rick” Negan confirmed gleefully. “I had a damn blast today, I’d be stupid not to want to repeat. I’d love to go out with you again. Would it be a date? Actual date?”

“It can be, if you want it to.”

Negan’s eyes shone brightly and Rick swore his legs nearly gave in under him, he loved that look on Negan that much. “Yeah, Rick, I’d very much want to have a date with you” he whispered, soft and soothing like the tide.

He leaned in and put a kiss on Rick’s cheek. Then, smile ever-present on his lips, he took a couple step backwards before waving Rick goodbye and turning around, walking away.

Rick stood there for a long, long, long moment. He absently raised his hand, fingers brushing the cheek Negan had kissed, and the widest, brightest smile slowly appeared on his lips. Had that really happened?

He had a message on his phone before he even made it out of the park. Yes, it had.


	3. Blessings

It wasn’t until a couple days later that it occurred to Rick that, maybe, the latest developments in his relationship with Negan might be the kind of thing he should tell Sasha about.

Sasha was, after all, one of Rick’s closest friends, and Negan was, after all, said friend’s ex-boyfriend who was now hitting on him. If not out of desire to share developments in his life with her, then he should tell her out of a sense of loyalty to her. It was definitely the kind of thing that the woman would find relevant, in a sense or the other.

And Rick wanted to tell her, he did. If it was anyone else that had him grinning like a fool over a silly text message at odd hours, Rick would have told her much sooner, and his other friends, too, willing to put himself under a downpour of friendly - but embarrassing - teasing about it. But as fate had decided it, it wasn’t anyone else. It was Negan. And that meant that the exchange had the potential to be pretty damn awkward, at the very least. Not precisely the kind of thing Rick was looking forward.

After all, little more than a month ago Negan and Sasha were together and the relationship was going pretty good, as far as Rick knew. And while that was precisely why Rick really should tell Sasha about having a date with Negan, it was also why he’d been staring at his phone screen for ten minutes now, worrying his lip between his teeth as he debated how to do it. If he was gonna do it now. If he was gonna do it at all.

Sasha had given up a relationship that was going good for her - and Rick knew that was something she’d needed; despite the way he’d decided Negan was a complete jackass within five minutes of meeting him, Rick had had to admit he was good for Sasha, like it or not - for Rick’s sake. And now Rick was sort of taking advantage of that and replacing her - god, it sounded so awful when worded like that. While the woman was generally calm and composed, more than once she’d proven she could be a hot-blooded bomb if provoked. Rick couldn’t help wondering, could he handle his friend’s anger? Was it even worth it?

Or, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking, what if they worked it out? Sasha had given Negan the kick for being an ass to Rick. And Negan was being the furthest thing from an ass to Rick right now. Maybe they’d be on better terms. Maybe Negan missed Sasha more than he was interested in Rick. Maybe he’d decide he’d rather go back with her than pursue anything with him.

And hey, if they did, Rick would have to be happy for them. He liked Negan and Sasha was one of the people closest to him, and if they were happy, then Rick could make do with that, even if he wished he wouldn’t have to. But that little bit of him, the selfish whisper that kept reminding him of the times he’d daydreamed about Negan hugging him at night and lightly kissing him, told him not to risk it. Or wait until Negan wanted him enough for it not to be a risk at all.

But he’d liked Negan only for a while, and he’d been Sasha’s friend for years. He knew where his loyalty was, first and foremost, clear as day. Any doubt that might have entered his mind was out just as fast.

“Sasha” he greeted when the beep beep beep stopped and he heard a click on the other side. His voice didn’t waver. “Hi.”

“Hey, Rick. What’s up? Anything happen?”

“Not exactly. More or less. It’s nothing urgent though. Are you busy right now? Got time for a talk? It can wait.”

“I’m getting home right now, if you’d called me five minutes go you’d have caught me on the car and if you’d called me in five minutes you’d have gotten me taking a shower. That’s kind of why I’m asking, text is the usual thing. You would just do that if it wasn’t relevant. Spit it out, I’m all yours.”

Sasha’s carefree, conversational tone helped Rick make his nerves go down a bit, just a bit, but enough. He closed his eyes, took a breath and, before he could talk himself into avoiding it, hit the subject.

“You said that you told Negan about my crush on him, right?”

She groaned. “Yeah, I did. Rick, I’m sorry about that, really, I am. You trusted me and then I just let it slip. I feel like such a fool about that. I won’t do anything like that ever again, I promise.”

“I know, I know. You already said sorry, and I already said it’s ok. Don’t worry about it anymore, alright? That’s not what I was getting at.”

Rick’s words were steady, soothing, in contrast to her more emphatic ones. He chuckled softly as he imagined her lip rolling between her teeth, looking like a kid waiting to be told if she was grounded or not. Maybe the contrast was what was helping him keep it up. He was surprised that he was feeling more confident as he moved onto the topic than he thought he’d be. He smirked to himself. What had he been so worried about? This was Sasha. There was a small group of people in his life that Rick knew he could share anything with, and Sasha had more than earned her place there. The nerves did come back as he gave himself a moment to prepare for it, but it wasn’t nearly as much as before he actually made the call.

One, two, three.

Get your shit together, Grimes. It’s just a sentence.

“You see, I’m gonna go on a date with him.”

Rick quickly went very, very still after saying it, eyes wide open as he stared at some random point in the wall. He tapped his fingers on his knee. Sasha was taking a bit long to answer, but that was ok, it was kind of a shock. It was to be expected. He just had to give her a moment. She was taking a bit more than expected, but Rick was patient. He’d let her think it over. More taps. Tap tap tap. Alright, she was taking a bit too long. Rick was starting to get nervous. God, he had screwed up, hadn’t he? Shit shit shit-

“What did you say, Rick?”

Rick let out a breath he had been having some troubles getting out of his lungs. She didn’t sound pissed, he thought, so he was gonna count that as a good sign. He closed his eyes, now pressing the fingertips of his middle and index to his forehead. You can do this.

“He and I started talking a few days ago. We’ve met once, and now we’re gonna go on a date together. Date as in date, date.” He made a pause. “How are you?”

“Currently? Trying to wrap my head around that.”

“Are you upset?”

“What? No, not exactly. Just surprised, mostly. Hey, are you gonna be busy later?”

Rick blinked, thrown off by the sudden change of subject and the tone of her voice. “No, not today. Why?”

“Because you’re gonna get over here and we’re gonna talk this over. I want details, Grimes.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

“Alright, so let me get this straight. You see Negan on the street, then he asks you out on a date that’s not a date, then he’s actually  _ nice _ to you, then he asks you out on a proper date, and now you’re over the moon about it. So far so good?”

Rick hummed as he took a sip of the cup of tea Sasha had put in front of him. “Sounds about right” he added once he’d swallowed down. “With more text messaging in the middle and  _ we  _ asked _ each other  _ out, but yes, you got the core of it.”

Sasha let silence linger in the air for a long moment. “Talk about a surprise. Wouldn’t have betted on this the last time I heard him talk about you” she mused. She took a bit of her own drink, a reflecting, half-lost look of her face.

Rick had already assumed that Negan’s attitude towards him as of late was a rather recent change of heart, so he wasn’t all that surprised to hear he’d said not so nice things about him before. Still made him wince a bit. But that was in the past, it would seem, and he brushed it aside. There were things worrying him more right now.

He gave Sasha a moment and then wet his lips slowly. He let his voice drag out for a long moment before it actually became a word. “Are you mad about it?”

Sasha blinked at him. “Rick, why would I be mad about it?” She blinked a couple more times, baffled. She was kinda cute like that. The corners of Rick’s lips twitched upwards for just a second.

“You know. You broke up with him for my sake. Which, really, you  _ shouldn’t _ have. He was bothersome, yeah, but I could handle him just fine. And yes, that doesn’t mean I’m not thankful you did it for me, I am. But, yeah, that. I cost you your relationship and now he’s getting along with me just fine and we’re flirting. It’s a dick move on my part, to be honest.”

Sasha stared blankly at him for a long moment before her brow furrowed slightly, mouth tilting slightly to the left. She crossed her arms, tapping her fingers lightly on her elbow.

“Alright. I gotta admit that all of this is kinda weird to me and I’m still deciding if it’s baddish weird or just weird. But mad? I ain’t mad, Rick. And if I was, it sure as hell wouldn’t be at you. He’s the one who was a dick about it all and then decided too late to change his mind about it. You and me both are just trying to keep up with him.” A smile, bright and reassuring, blossomed in her face, and Rick was smiling back before even realizing it. “Besides, I refuse to be the kind of of person who forbids my friends from having any contact at all with my exes or you’re ‘betraying me’. It’s not like he went psycho and decided to kill my cat, or cheated on me or something. He was getting too jerkish and I had enough, nothing too dramatic. You’re the one he had an issue with, so if you say it’s ok,” she said, shrugging, “then it’s ok. And that’s it.”

Rick’s smile had been growing as he heard her speak, and he let out a relieved sigh, happy lines appearing around his eyes that shone with appreciation of his friend. He reached over the table and placed his hand on her shoulder, giving her a squeeze and a light shake.

“Thank you, Sasha. You’re the best.”

“What can I say, I try” she replied with a coy smile and a wink. Rick laughed.

Next he made himself sober up, though. His biggest worry was out of the way now, and so he carried himself with an ease that he hadn’t been quite able to give himself before, but now a different sort of nervousness started creeping inside him. He hummed, long and dragged, but didn’t say anything. Sasha, who was drinking from her cup, raised her eyebrow at him and tapped on the table with her nails.

“You got something else in your head, Rick.”

“I do.”

“Well, spill it.”

“The thing is… I was wondering if this means you’re gonna want to go back with Negan. So I can know what I can expect to have with him, mostly.”

The sheer bewilderment was visible in Sasha’s whole body in the way she moved a handful inches back, eyebrow arched and nose wrinkled, as if she needed a wider field of vision to understand the face she’d seen thousands of times. “You’re getting more and more ridiculous today, Rick. Are you drunk? Oh god, are you high?”

“It’s a legitimate question!” Rick defended himself, his voice somewhere between embarrassed and petulant. “You only broke up with him because he was awful to me. He isn’t anymore. And if you showed interest, I don’t think it’s that unlikely he’d rather get back together with you than go ahead with me. I wouldn’t hold it against either of you.”

“Rick, really. You need to stop making everything so complicated. You need to stop  _ wanting  _ to make it more complicated, too.”

Sasha sighed, joining her hands on the table. Her interwoven fingers flexed and unflexed a couple times under the distracted gaze of their owner before settling onto a joined fist. She nodded.

“Look, Rick, even if I had any interest, I wouldn’t go for it. I don’t want a relationship right now. It wouldn’t be good for me, either. What I need now, I think, is some time being single, not having to worry about any of that. Just my friends, you and the others. I’ll get back onto the market later on, probably, but it’s gone awry too many times for me to want it again so soon, you know? Don’t tell Negan what I’m about to tell you, alright?” She looked him dead in the eye. He nodded immediately.

“Thank you. See, between the two of us; Negan and me? We weren’t meant to be. We weren’t meant to last long, at least. Don’t get me wrong, I liked him, I still do, I don’t regret having been with him and I hope everything works out for him. He was good for me when I needed what he gave me. But we just… I feel bad about it, but I think he saw more future in us than I did. We just weren’t that compatible, you know? He’s too much of a wild card, and that’s ok, but not what I need long term. Even if he hadn’t been that awful about you, something else would have come up, sooner or later. So if you want to try it out with him and you think you can handle him, then don’t worry about what I think, Rick, go ahead. I hope it’s good for both of you. I really do.”

She was smiling, gentle and soothing. She reached her hand out across the table and Rick did the same, meeting her halfway. They squeezed each other, a sign of comfort. Rick was smiling, too. God, he never stopped admiring Sasha, the way she never had any problems addressing things the way she saw them.

“I hope you find what you need, too. You deserve it, Sasha.”

“I will. I told you, I just need some time to myself and focus on other things. This here, right now, talking to you? It’s what I’m talking about. Thank you, Rick.”

“You never have to thank me, you know that.”

There was a brief pause, amiable and easy, the air light. Then Sasha laughed softly to herself.

“I guess I did get rid of those anger issues” she explained in response to Rick’s quizzical look. “I’m being pretty mature about all of this, if I dare say so myself.”

“You are” Rick agreed. Sasha smiled once more, and then she leaned forward a bit, resting her elbows on the table and her chin on her hands, eyes playfully shining and fixed on Rick.

“Enough deep chit-chat. I said I wanted details and I meant it, so give me some gossip. You already went out with him once, didn’t you? Give me something here, Rick, something juicy. How was it?”

In a moment, Rick’s entire demeanor changed, and suddenly he was looking down, hand rubbing the back of his neck as a weak, shy laugh came out. His eyes looked at Sasha for a brief moment and he bit the inside of his cheek.

“I’m sure you know more than well how Negan is in a date. You know better than me at least, for sure.”

“Yeah, probably. But I still want to know. Come on, don’t make me force it out.”

“Could you?” Rick dared, flashing a grin at her. He let his arms rest on the table and leaned forward, still not quite making eye contact with her. He exhaled slowly. “He was… I don’t know. He looked like an almost completely different person, you know? There was the cursing and all the exaggeration and the gesticulation, but he was nice. I’d never seen him not being rude before. Not rude at me, at least. I think he was trying to be charming.”

“Charming, huh? You mean as in romantic charming, not his usual ‘rude but somehow charismatic’ charm, I guess.”

“Yeah, that. Well, I don’t know if I’d count it as romantic, but he was definitely acting different. As if he was genuinely trying to make a good impression. But I suppose you already know about that.”

Sasha hummed and crossed her arms, tilting her head to the side. “Far as I know, most of the time he just goes ahead with who he is and that’s it, if people like it then fine and if they don’t then he flips them off. He did act nicer around me, for sure, but not that much.” She made a pause. She was looking intently at him, and Rick had the clear impression that she was examining the perplexed look he could feel on his face. Was Negan acting somehow special with him? Why?

She must have noticed that Rick was thrown off, because she quickly put a smile in place and reached out to playfully shove at his shoulder. “Hey, congratulations! He’s doing an effort just for you, that means he must be taking this seriously. That’s good!”

“He wasn’t like this with you, then” Rick hummed, not that convinced. He tilted his head to the side. Sasha shrugged.

“No, but then again it wasn’t the same. We started with fucking and then it developed, and he’s started with something else with you. He did make a point to get under you skin, so you might just not be used to him when he’s not trying particularly hard to be annoying. Besides, you said he wanted to apologize to you, so I think it makes sense that he was on his best behavior for that. Give him some time to get loose, you’ll be aching to tape his mouth shut. I was sick of the lewd comments by the second date” she said with a small laugh, “I bet you’re about to be too.”

“He didn’t say anything lewd to me, at all. It surprised me” Rick mused. “It’s not just that he wasn’t a jerk, he was almost a completely different person.”

He’d already pointed that out before. It made him smile then, but now he couldn’t help but worry about it.

Sasha blinked a couple times, moving a few inches back. Rick hummed under his breath. Negan had never shied away from being lewd and loud and rude, going by what he had seen before. He’d supposed he just acted differently in private, that he was acting different for Rick’s sake, for the sake of someone he liked. But it turned out that Sasha was puzzled by it, so what exactly did that mean? Was Negan stopping himself from being comfortable around Rick? Why? Surely he knew that the man Rick had grown to like was, despite his best efforts to stop it from happening, the man Negan had proved to be. No need to change for him.

Silence stretched out for a long moment and then Sasha sighed. Rick looked up at her, still half-lost in his thoughts.

“Look, Rick, I’m not sure I can give you any clear answers. I want to, I do, but Negan is a very weird man, in a lot of senses. He’s complex. I was with him for some time and he’s the kind of guy who latches onto you a bit too much, and I still don’t have him figured out at all. Not just this, it’s in general, so I can’t help you do any deep reading. I still think this could be him trying to do a good impression to make up for the shit he put you though, so if you want to give it a try and don’t have any doubts, then go ahead. Worst thing that can happen is that you find out he’s an ass and dump him like I did.”

Resting his chin on his hand, Rick nodded. His mind was still going in circles around the matter, of course, trying to see it from every possible angle. But the facts were that Negan had said sorry, he’d been sweet to Rick, and had asked him out on a date. That had to be good, right?

Rick found himself grinning. “I think I’ll go with giving it a try. I already said yes.”

“Good” Sasha said, smiling too. “I expect updates, alright? You poked around a lot when I was the one with a new boyfriend, it’s fair I get on the fun this time too.”

“No mercy, huh?” Rick tilted his head backwards, with his eyes narrowed and grin ever-growing. He laughed, rolled his neck, and caught his lips between his teeth. “It’s gonna be boring, but alright, you win.”

“Good boy. Anyway, enough Negan for now. I can gossip but I’m not gonna let my life revolve about my ex. Choose a movie, it’s officially movie night now.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

A handful hours later, already back home and comfortably lying in bed, naked skin in direct contact with the soft sheets save for his boxers, Rick was checking his phone briefly before turning the alarm on for the morning. He rolled his eyes good-naturedly at the fifth meme in a row Negan had sent him. After a soft laugh to himself, he became pensive and, a long moment of consideration later, sent a text.

_ ‘I was at Sasha’s place earlier today’ _

_ ‘We talked about you for a while’ _

_ ‘She wanted to know about us’ _

_ ‘Hope you don’t mind’ _

Rick nibbled down on his lip as he waited for an answer, the hand that wasn’t holding the phone tapping on his neck again and again, fingers falling down one after the other. He should have thought about asking Negan first. He was talking about his personal stuff to his ex, after all, even if said ex was Rick’s friend. He could see how that could possibly upset the man.

Negan had been texting back quickly up to now. Rick let out a sigh when he saw that he was texting again a full minute after.

**_‘did you huh’_ **

**_‘how was it’_ **

**_‘is she upset about it’_ **

**_‘she still angry at me? I was quite a fuckin ass I wouldnt be surprised if she was’_ **

_ ‘I’d say you’re in the clear about it, she doesn’t look angry to me’ _

_ ‘And she’s ok with it, she’s mostly curious, wanted to gossip about it’ _

**_‘huh thats nice’_ **

**_‘Im glad both you and her lemme off the hook’_ **

**_‘Im damn lucky youre so awesome’_ **

**_‘guess I still owe her a fuckin real apology face to face sometime tho’_ **

**_‘when shes cooled down more bc I dont trust her not to try to cut my balls just yet lmao’_ **

Rick smiled faintly at the screen, imagining Negan’s chuckle at the other end. Would he be in bed like him, almost naked and thinking of Rick? A blush quickly made its way to Rick’s cheeks and he had to shake the thoughts out of his head before they escalated. He made himself focus on the conversation, and the topic that came to his mind kinda made him lose any frisky thoughts.

_ ‘Do you miss her?’ _

**_‘you mean if I miss being her bf?’_ **

_ ‘Aha’ _

Rick knew that the answer didn’t take as long to come this time as it had before, but still, it felt like he’d been waiting much longer when it came.

**_‘I mean Sasha is fucking badass, shes something else man of course I miss her’_ **

**_‘but’_ **

**_‘even if I wanted to be back with her, and I dont, because Im into this cute af lil blue eyed guy <3 I dont think shed want to take me back’_ **

**_‘that ship has sailed bby, dont worry about it’_ **

**_‘promise’_ **

It was selfish, to feel relief flood through him that intensely after reading that, but Rick felt it either way. He sagged into his mattress, smiling relaxedly, and he felt his cheeks aflame once more, thinking that Negan wanted  _ him _ . Negan wanted Rick. Wow. It still felt unreal, too much like his fantasies to actually happen, and yet here they were.

Rick said his goodnight and then he set to sleep, face buried in the pillow and grin never leaving his face.


	4. Flavor of chocolate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go! Hope you enjoy, and if you want, feel free to kudo and comment, it's really encouraging!

Next date was soon, next Saturday, exactly a week after the first one.

It was on Rick this time. Negan had half-heartedly argued against it at first, saying that he didn’t mind paying this time too, and then that they should just split it up in half. Rick was more than adamant in paying Negan back for the first date, though - even if, technically speaking, that hadn’t been a date at all - and when Negan saw how impossible it was to make him change his mind, he’d good-naturedly stepped back.

Rick was nervous enough worrying whether he could make this date half as fun as Negan had made it for him; he wasn’t gonna put on top of that feeling bad for leeching off Negan’s generosity, no matter how dashing and blush-inducing it was.

It had him nervous, but also thrilled, and his spirits were pretty high-up lately. Not even the semi-constant influx of poking at him from his friends, to ask for details and to show outrage for not having been told about the whole matter earlier, could annoy him. Really, he should have known that the moment he told Sasha, word would spread out. Rick would have been chuckling to himself as he answered, either way, because his friends had a way to them that made them endearing even when they were being a pain in the ass, but now he had a special warmth in his tone when he spoke of Negan to them.

Who would have known that all he needed was for the man to show a little bit of interest back for Rick’s crush to completely take over him? It had gone from being something that popped up in his mind every couple days and made it hard for him to stay pissed at the guy, to making him a flustered mess four times a day or more.

And the worst thing was, Rick didn’t even mind it. It gave him a high that tickled his insides and made his laugh come out easy. Not the worst feeling in the world. A feeling he wanted to keep coming, again and again.

Which was why he wanted the date to be good, and he wanted it to be on him. Negan had completely destroyed Rick’s defenses with a handful well-thought gestures; Rick wanted to do something fun for him, too.

Bowling wasn’t something he did too often or that he was particularly passionate about, although he had turned out to have a rather good hand at it. Negan, however, looked to him like the kind of guy who would feel right at home in a bowling alley, cocky smirk perfectly in place after having scored some near-perfect hit. He sounded pleased enough when Rick proposed it, at least, so Rick guessed he’d gotten that much right.

He’d been looking forward to it, to playing it cool and getting some points. And then Saturday came and Negan showed up in front of Rick’s block building in a black bike, sunglasses, a biker jacket zipped up to the top and wearing a playful smirk, and the only reaction Rick was capable of mustering was a long silence as he inhaled sharply.

“That handsome, huh?” Negan asked, light amusement clear under his voice as Rick sat down behind him. Looked like his ego was getting a good stroke. He looked back, lowering his sunglasses for a moment, and smirked at Rick’s brown plaid and black jeans. “Not looking half bad, yourself.”

Rick buried his face on Negan’s back. “Just get us there, alright?”

“Your wish is my command, mister Grimes.”

“Please tell me you don’t plan to be like this all night.”

“I don’t know, Rick, I think I just might. You’re fucking adorable when you’re flustered, you know that?”

Rick groaned against Negan’s back and felt the rumble of the man’s soft laugh on his cheek. By the time they got there and Negan pulled over, any plan Rick might have had of maintaining his dignity had been obliterated under the undeniable power of his flushing cheeks. Negan patted his neck a couple times, squeezing and shaking a bit, and his smirk grew in direct proportion to the redness on Rick’s face. Rick quickly walked in as he searched for his wallet, trying to get a few seconds to recompose himself, and Negan’s laughter followed in behind him.

“Ricky boy, you do know I’m perfectly fucking fine with splitting it up between us, right?” he asked, loitering idly beside Rick as he paid.

“You talk as if this will make me poor. I do have a job, you know, I can afford it.”

“Such a gentleman.” Negan snaked his arm around Rick’s shoulders, pressing him in. “You’re gonna make me swoon, with all this shit of paying me back. You taking this very seriously, ain’t you? Kinda makes a guy feel flattered.”

Rick gave Negan a side smirk. “Makes two of us, then.”

Negan’s grin became something significantly softer, kind of melting into hot chocolate, and Rick wanted to get lost in it. Then Negan stepped back, back to his spikey, frantic cheerfulness, and clapped his hands together.

“Anyway! Get ready to get a damn epic assbeating, Grimes. Hope you’re a graceful loser, it’s gonna be one for the tales.”

Rick rolled his eyes, feeling ease seep into his bones, and went in after Negan’s peppy step. It was strange, how Negan could simultaneously make him all shy and also make him relax with just the sound of his laugh. But Rick wasn’t complaining.

By the time they were ten minutes into the game, it was clear that ‘graceful’ was something Negan was applying to Rick and Rick exclusively, the ass. Rick was ready to throw the ball right at his face to knock in his white teeth, by the fifth time he got that self-satisfied smirk, hands on his hips as he shamelessly bragged about getting a higher score than Rick, even if it was by a single point. No such thing when Rick was the one with a higher score, though - which, by the way, was more often than the other way around. Then Negan just went silent, at most grumbling softly under his breath as he glared at Rick’s score in the screen.

“At least I get to look at that damn fine ass of yours.”

Now was when he spoke loud enough for Rick to make out his words. Rick, who was about to throw for the second time in a row - in a pose that did indeed make his ass stand out - suddenly lost his balance and stammered in embarrassment as the ball slipped from his fingers, and it went to the side before it was even halfway through. Rick turned to Negan, brow furrowed in a scowl, and saw the man smirking with his tongue out.

“You’re fucking welcome, Rick.”

“You’re an ass, you know that?”

“Maybe. But I’m too busy looking at  _ your  _ ass to do anything about it.”

Rick dragged a hand down his face as he let out some grumbling, partially out of frustration, partially because he knew Negan would have him melting if Rick saw the wink that was oh so surely in the man’s face, and Rick wasn’t about to give him the pleasure of having his knees weak.

“You know, I’m not gonna let you win just because you’re being flirty.” Rick peeked at Negan through a gap in his fingers. He stood aside while the man came closer for his turn, lowering his hands and producing a smirk. “If you wanna win, try being good at it.”

“Who the fuck says I need you to let me win?”

“The fact that I’m winning. Less bragging, Negan, and more playing good.”

“Look who’s being a cocky little shit now, huh?”

Negan seemed up to the challenge, if the fiery spark in his eyes was any indication. He wasn’t bad, not at all, but still all his efforts were for naught; by the time the game was over, Rick was the clear winner. He sent a shining smile Negan’s way, who was looking at him with his lips pressed into a line and his eyes so narrow they were nearly closed. Slowly, though, it softened and Negan chuckled, clapping once.

“Alright, Rick, I gotta admit it, you’re fucking good at this. I’m man enough to admit that.”

Rick tilted his head to the side, grin wide and cheeks red out of fun rather than shyness. “You know, you’re not quite bad yourself. Had a few moments where I was almost worried.”

“Only almost, huh?” Negan muttered under his breath, followed by an amused hum.

“You’re both quite good.”

Rick and Negan simultaneously turned and saw a man approaching relaxedly with an easy smile on his face. He looked about a couple years younger than Rick, and he had a spotless appearance that gave the impression of being carefully planned. Rick just looked at him in curiosity - and perhaps a bit of unease at having a stranger approach so suddenly - ; Negan, on the other hand, made a soft snort that Rick knew meant he found someone amusing in a not-so-flattering way. The man stretched his hand out.

“Hi, I’m Spencer. That one back there is my brother, Aiden.”

Negan let the silence stretch out for a long moment. He looked down at the offered hand as if he found the very concept of it so amusing he had to struggle not to laugh, but right before Rick thought he was gonna have to step in before the guy got offended, Negan shook it, brief and light before letting it fall. He tilted his head to the right and his hips to the left.

“Well, hi there, Spencer. Could I know what we can do for you?”

“We’ve been looking at your game for a while, and as I said, you’re both pretty good. We were wondering if you’d mind if we joined you for a couple games.”

“The two of you against the two of us, huh?” Negan hummed absently, then turned his neck to regard Rick with a lazy grin. “What do you say, Grimes? Do we team up to fucking destroy them?”

Rick already had to say yes - his deeply-rooted King County, deep Georgia manners wouldn’t let him say no, no matter what - but when he saw the amusement in Negan’s eyes, he saw the promise of ‘ _ we’re gonna be a hell of a team, Rick, these posh brats have no fucking chance. Can we, can we, please? _ ’ Now  _ that  _ was something he certainly couldn’t say no to.

“Could be fun” he hummed with a bit more cheerfulness than he would otherwise have.

“Fucking sweet, then! Give me a moment to set it up… Yep, there it is.” Negan made a flourish to Spencer, offering a mocking grin along with it. Rick rolled his eyes. “You’re about to get your pride crushed, so I might as well let you begin. I’m a merciful creature.”

Spencer gave a cocky expression of his own as he reached for his ball. “You’re assuming too much.” He got in position, nodded at his brother, who mostly seemed not as convinced with the whole idea, and set out to play.

As it turned out, Negan wasn’t assuming too much, after all. Only a couple rounds later, Rick and Negan had the clear upper hand. Rick was trying to, of course, be graceful about it. Negan, not so much. Rick thought he was being petty with him earlier, but now…

“Oh, what is it? Didn’t daddy and mommy buy you a bowling teacher?”

“Jee, it must suck to get your ass kicked this hard, doesn’t it?”

“Fucking hell, Spencer! I know we’re winning either way, but now you’re just sabotaging yourself! Was that really meant to hit anything? Really?”

“You had me fooled, dude! I thought you were a man, not a whiny little bitch!”

“Hey Rick, you can do this shit on your own. I’m gonna grab some food, I’m getting bored as fuck here. No wait, I think I’d rather crush the little asshole again.”

“And there it goes, it goes, it goes… Aaaaand you score jackshit.”

“Rick, tell me, do you know if murdering someone’s self-love is an offence?”

“Wish I could say it’s been fun” Negan said once the game was over, cheerful, but still managing to make his voice sound as cold, mocking and cutting as his grin was, “but it fucking wasn’t. I almost fell asleep three times. Gotta warn a man next time, Spencer.”

Spencer seethed, turning to Negan, face red with furious embarrassment. “Alright, asshole, haven’t you had enough already?”

“Nope, I don’t think so” Negan replied easily. “I think I can still get a handful rises out of you. Then again, that means having to look at your face again and, to be honest, I get bored just thinking about it.” He made a dismissing motion with his hand. “You’ve made us lose enough time. Fuck off.”

Well, there was the asshole Rick knew Negan to be, he thought with a hint of a sour taste in his mouth.

To be fair, Rick thought, Negan had just brought out his full capacity to get under someone’s skin when Spencer started being snappy and rude - which happened the moment he saw he was indeed getting his ass beaten, that is, after the second round - and Rick had had problems not talking down to him himself. Still, Negan had gone kinda overboard, and combined with Spencer’s already-wounded, much-cherished pride, it was no big surprise when the guy walked up to Negan, intending to land a punch on his jaw.

Rick tried to reach out and catch it, but Negan beat him to it; the moment Spencer’s arm spread out, and much before it was even close to hitting the mark, Negan caught the man’s wrist mid-air with an audible slap. Spencer looked perplexed, Negan smirked. Then he made some quick movement with his hand to break Spencer’s balance, and swiped his leg with an idle movement of his own. Negan released the man’s hand, and without the support, Spencer fell to the floor with a loud thud under Negan’s uninterested gaze.

Rick held his breath for a long moment. Most of the people had gone silent, and Rick cursed to himself when he saw that their gazes were all on Negan. Unaware of them - or more likely just ignoring it - Negan poked at Spencer’s side with his boot and then stepped on his chest. He clicked his tongue.

“I do this for a living, you know. Keep that in mind next time, you little turd.”

And with that, Negan was at Rick’s side, wide grin on his face, and grabbed his hand. Next thing he knew, Rick was walking out the door, still trying to fit his foot on his shoe, ushered forward by Negan’s quick step, the man still holding onto his hand, firm and warm.

They walked in silence for a few minutes. Rick guessed they wouldn’t get too far, because Negan had to go back for his bike, so he said nothing, just kept walking with a slight tension to him. Still, he didn’t let go of Negan’s hand.

“Are you pissed about that back there?”

“You’re an ass.”

“That I am. But it was fun.” Negan laughed out loud, infinitely amused by his own jerkishness, it would seem.

And Rick? He was just thinking of those times when Negan would get his fun out of him, making the sour taste return to his mouth stronger this time. He glared in disapproval, and while Negan’s mood didn’t disappear when he looked at him, it did go down, a healthy amount of self-consciousness rising up to mix with it.

“Look, he was fucking asking for it, and you saw it. That brother of his, not so much, and that’s why I didn’t say shit to him, but Spencer? The brat thought he was hot shit and well, he was just a spoiled asshole. And I don’t know if you noticed, Rick, but he was pretty fucking sore at you particularly, just ‘cause you were the best back there. Kinda got onto my nerves, man. Not cool.”

And with that, any trace of disapproval vanished away from Rick. He was suddenly all warm inside and flushed in the cheeks, bashful but clearly pleased grin widening in his face. Not a fair move, he thought, how was he supposed to stay mad after that? Rick didn’t know if Negan had done it on purpose, but either way, it had worked. Charming bastard.

Rick squeezed Negan’s hand, because neither of them had bothered taking his back, and swinged it back and forth. He nodded backwards. “How about we get back onto your bike? Let’s go somewhere else.”

Negan’s grin shone and he hummed.

“Darling, your wish is my command.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

“No way!” Negan sputtered, grin so wide he had a hard time articulating words. He gave Rick an once-over, as if rediscovering him entirely, and shook his head. “No, Rick, no way. You’re bullshitting me. No way in hell you’re british.”

“ _ Part _ -british.” It was the fourth time Rick clarified that. His voice was an even mix of irritation and amusement. “My grandparents live in London, when I was younger I spent half the summer with them every year, but that’s it. Not such a big deal.”

“Yes such a big deal! Oh my god, I can’t believe this, my Ricky boy here is an Englishman! Tell me, Rick, are you a consulting detective English or a MI6 English? Are you hiding something from me? Am I a Bond girl now? Fuck, that’s exciting, lemme go fetch the fucking lingerie.”

“Fuck off” Rick said, unable to hold back his laughter as he shoved Negan away where the man had been hovering over Rick’s shoulder. Negan stepped back, hand raised and eyebrows too. Rick took the moment of peace to dig into the icecream cup he was holding - vanilla and chocolate - and then reached out to take a taste of Negan’s - coffee - which the man gladly offered.

The cups were only halfway empty, but at this point they were almost melted down. They had been too busy laughing and poking at each other to eat in time. They were walking along a road that ran along a small river. There were trees and benches, night had fallen little ago, the only light around the yellowish one of the lamps, and if Rick looked away from the cars on the road twenty meters away, the atmosphere was perfect.

“Do you have an English accent, or is it pure deep south drawl? Do you speak in the Queen’s English?”

One minute of Negan staying quiet. Rick guessed he could consider that a victory. He sighed and pressed his free hand to his forehead, massaging it.

“I can pass for English if I want, if that’s what you’re asking. It ain’t that hard to switch accents.”

“Prove it. Say something.”

“I’m not gonna be your amusement.”

“C’ _ moooooooon _ , Rick! Just a little ‘God save the queen’ or ‘my name is Bond, James Bond.’ Do it for me?”

“Bugger off, you bloody wanker.”

Was it that hilarious? Not to Rick, but the laugh that boomed out of Negan indicated that the man disagreed with that. He stopped, arching his eyebrow at Negan, and the man, still shaking slightly with the remains of his laughter - really, the man laughed  _ all the time _ \- looked at him right back.

Rick stared at Negan’s eyes for a long moment.

He was handsome, for sure, but at this point Rick could barely even register it. All he could think of was how the remainings of the laughter gave Negan’s cheek a pleasant, merry red, and how his grin was ever so wide, and how his eyes looked almost gold in the lamplight.

Rick swallowed thickly. He wasn’t aware of his remaining ice cream falling to the ground.

Before he even knew what he was doing, he was closing the distance, and by the time he realized it, it was too late; he was tiptoeing his way up to Negan’s height, hands on his cheeks to drive him into a chocolate-and-coffee flavored kiss. For a brief moment - that nonetheless felt forever - Negan did nothing, and Rick’s heart sank as he realized that maybe Negan hadn’t wanted him to do that.

But just as he was about to move back and apologize, Negan’s cup fell down too. The man’s arm snaked around Rick’s torso, pulling him in, and his free hand went up to his own cheek, just to caress over Rick’s fingers, before shifting to cup to younger man’s jaw. He opened his mouth and Rick was met with a tongue that had sweetness with just that little hint of bitterness, almost an afterthought, but still essential to make the ice cream what it was. Rick chased after it, but soon, Negan was pulling back, making Rick whine whine and pout.

Negan didn’t laugh, not this time, and there were no sparks of amusement in his eyes. Instead, they were blown dark and almost closed, just a narrow line looking down at Rick like an illusion Negan was trying to make sense of. His lips hung half-open, and when Negan licked them, Rick couldn’t help reaching to catch the lower lip between his own, sucking lightly on it before stepping back.

Negan looked pretty much speechless. An undefined sound lingered from his lips, but it never became a word. He stared, he smiled shyly, he looked down, back up, he rubbed the back of his neck, nibbled on his lip, looked back down, shifted weight from one feet to another, and then took Rick’s hand.

“Let’s sit down for a moment” he whispered as he lead him to a bench. Rick was too boneless to offer any resistance.

“Negan. Was that okay?”   


“Huh? Yeah, yeah, you bet your ass it was, Rick. More than fucking okay, believe me.”

Negan offered a grin, not nearly as wide or toothy as the ones he usually gave. Then he looked down at his hands, joined between his legs, and started idly playing with his thumbs, which alternated pushing one another aside.

He didn’t look interested in anything else for a good few minutes. His gaze was unfocused, lost in his own thoughts, and if it wasn’t because he made a point to look at Rick and gift him with a soft, but genuine smile every few moments, the man would have been worried. As it was, though, he found that he wasn’t as anxious as he would have once been, so he had no problems letting Negan navigate his feelings, whatever they might be.

“Hey, Rick.”

When Negan finally called, Rick looked over. The man was still not looking at him, his eyes landing on the river instead, but Rick could feel his attention on him regardless. He hummed as an acknowledgement.

“You know how Sasha and I met?”

Rick blinked, surprised by the sudden topic. “You met in your class, right?”

“Yup. You know what got her there, right?”

“Abraham. He was Rosita’s boyfriend until he decided he had a chance with Sasha and broke up with her. Sasha wasn’t too sure, she got into a couple arguments with Rosita, but then they decided to be cool about it and she went in. It looked like it was going good enough until Abraham left Sasha to go back to Rosita, and then he left her to get together with a friend of his, Holly.” The corners of Rick’s lips twitched unpleasantly, and his fingers dug into his forearm.

“That guy’s a pile of shit. Nothing’s forcing you to be with someone you don’t want anymore, but playing games with two people and then give them both the middle finger? That’s a dick move. Asshole.”

“Agreed. It looks like it’s more or less okay now, but we’re still not really talking to him. It really messed both of them up. Sasha was having a rough time as it was, she got anger issues after that. Got into your class to deal with it.”

“Yup. My fighting class. Technically self-defense, but you know, papa Negan gives his magic touch to everything he lands his hands on. Best way to make sure an asshole doesn’t hurt you is beating the shit out of him first. And oh boy, did Sasha have energy for it. She was fucking bloodthirsty, man.” Negan traced a faint, but very definitely there, smile. “I wanted onto her pants the moment I saw her, you know. Still, I’m a fucking gentleman so I gave her my best advice and told her that if she wanted the shit vibes out, her thing was yoga. But nope, the little lady wanted blood on her hands. Hell of a woman, Sasha.

Anyway, I like her. I tell her she’s badass as fuck, she smiles, and I tell her I’d like to have dinner with her. We end up having a special let-the-stress-out session in the form of fucking like rabbits. After the third time I ask her out on an actual date and next thing you know, holy shit, I have a fucking girlfriend. Who would’ve fucking guessed, huh?”

Negan gave Rick a long, deep look. Rick didn’t know what Negan was looking for, but he cowed and looked down.

“She wasn’t in love with me, I know that much. I’m not fucking stupid. But she liked me enough, I was good for her, and I wasn’t in love with her, but she was good for me. I liked being with her. Don’t get me wrong, if she’d mentioned living together or kids or any of that shit I’d have pissed my pants and she’d never see me again, but still. It gave me something to fucking look forward to, you know? It was good. Fuck, it was good.”

_ And now you don’t have it because of me, _ Rick thought, because he didn’t think he had the guts to say it out loud. Looking at Negan was painful, so he teared his gaze off him and focused on his knees, and since when was the aftertaste of chocolate sour and bitter? Like he had something bad inside him that he needed to puke out.

Negan stayed silent for a long moment, his jaw tense and eyes troubled - but Rick didn’t see that. He groaned and hid his face in his hands.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. Sorry, Rick, I’m fucking sorry for dropping this shit on your right now. But that kiss… It was a hell of a wake up call, you know? This is going places. And I need to get shit out of the way, starting with that. I had to tell you sooner or later. It’s something that’s been going on in my head, and I knew I was gonna need you to know. I just do.”

Rick tried to make out a smile. He didn’t quite manage it. “It’s alright. The sooner, the better, right?”

Negan continued as if Rick had said nothing. “You’re gonna end up knowing a lot of shit about me, I guess, and this is big for me. Sasha was the first… The first since Lucille, you know...”

“Negan, who is Lucille?”

And with that question, Negan appeared to snap back to reality after seemingly slipping out of it. He directed wide eyes at Rick, lips falling half-open as if what he’d said had just caught up to him. Immediately after, an ugly expression took hold of his face.

“None of your fucking business” he snarled.

Rick couldn’t help it, he recoiled. How was he supposed not to when Negan’s voice sounded so damn pissed? He fixed his eyes on the ground, feeling suddenly stiff, all too conscious of himself, and kind of dumb, even if his more rational, currently half-muted part said he hadn’t done anything wrong. Unconsciously, he moved a few inches away.

At his side, Negan sighed heavily. A hand fell on Rick’s and another one tilted his chin to make him look at Negan, who was offering an awkward smile as an apology.

“I’m sorry, Rick, that wasn’t fucking fair to you. It was an asshole thing of me to say, genuinely asshole. It’s just… Very personal. If it makes you feel better, Sasha didn’t know either.” Rick hummed, but his mood didn’t seem all that fixed. Negan genty shoved him, making his smile wider, as if trying to make up for Rick’s lack of one. “How about we go get more ice cream? And not drop it this time. Let it be on me? Will you let me do that for you, pretty fucking please?”

Negan was doing puppy eyes, pouting, and batting his eyelashes repeatedly. Despite his best efforts, Rick couldn’t stop him from getting a smile out of him, and after that, what was the point of staying mopey? He shook the last of the awkwardness off and nodded.

“Alright. Only because it’s you.”


	5. Step by step

Rick had been looking around the sport store, thoughtful frown on his brow as if he had any actual idea what he was doing or what he was looking for, for quite a while when he happened to meet Dwight. After five whole minutes of staring blankly at a shelf in useless hope for some sort of divine stroke of enlightenment, Rick sighed his disappointment out and moved to the next section. Just when he crossed the corner he saw Dwight’s face coming towards him, and they both stepped back, blinking in surprise.

Dwight was, not a friend, per se, but more of an acquaintance. Rick had first met him as a friend-of-sorts of Daryl - although given the man’s social nature, it wasn’t such an easy task to classify someone as ‘friend’ or ‘someone he just happens to spend time with every now and then’. Apparently they were both into some sort of archery thing together and got along well enough for them to hang out occasionally. As Rick found out some time after being introduced to Negan for the first time, he was the man’s friend too, or at least were in the same social circle.

Rick wasn’t his friend, exactly, but he didn’t have a bad opinion of him. He just didn’t know him closely enough to give him that title, but he definitely would stop to say hi. Dwight seemed not very much in the mood, though, so while not unfriendly, he did give the impression of not having his mind quite there when he said ‘hi’ back.

“I was looking for this” he said, raising his hand to show Rick some of these weird crossbow arrows that always made Daryl glare when Rick called them arrows because apparently they weren’t called arrows even though they were pretty much the same damn thing. Whatever, he showed Rick the arrows and then made a motion with his head towards him. “What about you? Didn’t know you were into sports.”

“I’m not. I’m looking for a gift for someone.”

“For Negan?”

A slightly dumb smile rose up to Rick’s lips and a happy hint of pink colored his cheeks. He nodded. Dwight’s eyes narrowed.

“I guessed so. I’ve heard you and him are together now, huh?”

“Yeah, we are. I wanted to get him something, and I know he likes this stuff, so here I am. I’m afraid I’m not too sure what to go for, though.” Rick rubbed at his nape, with an embarrassed smile. He wet his lips. “You’re Negan’s friend, right? Would you mind if I asked you for some pointers?”

Dwight’s eyes narrowed further, and he was unresponsive for so long that Rick almost assumed he was just gonna ignore him. Rude. But then his lips twisted a bit and he pointed his chin at some point behind Rick. Rick followed the direction with his eyes.

“Negan’s ping-pong table broke down last week. You should consider it.”

Rick blinked a couple times. Huh, that was something he wouldn’t have pictured in association with Negan, in all honesty. He hummed, long and low.

“I didn’t know Negan liked ping-pong.”

“Like it? The bastard loves it. He can spend hours at it and bully you into bearing with it.” In response to Rick’s silence, he made a face Rick wasn’t all that sure how to interpret, other than he didn’t like it at all. “It’s something big with him, really. Rick, just as a piece of advice, I’m gonna tell you that you shouldn’t get too invested in whatever you got going on with him if you don’t know these kind of things about him.”

And before Rick had the chance to thank you very much for your concern, my advice to you is to mind your own fucking business, Dwight had turned around and left. Rick was left glaring at his back, lips twisted and teeth showing a little. What the hell had gotten into the guy?

Rick huffed and turned to the ping-pong tables. Definitely not the kind of thing he could just take out on a date to surprise the man, and Rick wasn’t cheap or shameless enough to give him just a couple paddles and a plastic ball. He didn’t have Negan’s direction yet, either, so he couldn’t take it there - and why didn’t he have it, by the way? He’d been dating him for more than a month now.

In the end, he got him a baseball bat, reddish-brown and varnished and all shiny. At the very least, it’d make a good decoration or something. Negan had mentioned something about a collection of ‘cool knives’ at some point, so Rick also got him a camp knife that he deemed cool enough. Rick hummed at his choices, satisfied. Negan was always doing little things for him, and he was more than ready for their weekly Saturday date to come so he could give him this.

-0-o-0-o-0-

As it turned out, he didn’t have to wait that long. Negan decided that dropping by at Rick’s place later that night, without any sort of previous warning about it, was the perfect way to keep up the ‘playful and unpredictable’ vibe he had going on.

To be fair, it was. Rick was surprised, but definitely not displeased, when he opened the door and saw the man casually leaning on the doorframe like he’d always belonged there, disarming smile perfectly in place and widening a couple inches when he saw Rick.

“I missed you” he said before Rick had any time to say hi or ask him what he was doing there. He tilted his head, his grin grew a bit more, and the calm fondness of his voice had Rick’s legs going just a little bit weak - and damn, shouldn’t Rick have more of a grip of himself by now?

Negan made a low noise that sounded all too pleased with the silly smile his words had put on Rick’s face. He invited himself in, leaning down to place a kiss on Rick’s cheek on the way, and laughed when he saw Rick get flustered all over again. He nuzzled his cheek before walking past him.

“Didn’t you have class on Wednesdays?” Rick asked a few moments later, more composed.

“I do. But class ended early and I thought I might as well pass by, say hi, maybe have dinner, something like that. That okay with you, babe? Are you busy? I can fuck off and leave you alone for the evening.”

And he had the nerve to ask, even as he did cheeky grin and wink combo that Rick knew he did only when he was completely aware of the fact that Rick wasn’t able to say no to that handsome face of his.

Not that Rick had planned to say no, either way. Having Negan there with him, days before expected, just cause the man felt like spending time with him? How was he supposed to say no to that?

“It’s more than okay” Rick said, making his way over to where Negan had already made himself at home in Rick’s sofa, shoes kicked off and feet up on the table. He gave a toothy grin and raised his eyebrows as he gestured for Rick to get comfortable at his side. Once he did, Negan’s arm fell around his shoulders and he was dragged in for a light kiss. Negan followed by pressing his lips to Rick’s temple, breathing hot and heavy into his hair.

“All good, Rick?” Negan finally hummed, breaking the silence. Rick blinked, realizing he had gotten half-lost in how pleasant it was to be beside Negan like that, and he grinned. He pressed his index finger to Negan’s lips.

“Wait here.”

Rick disappeared into his bedroom lightning-quick, and he was back just as fast, excitedness clear in his face. Negan was waiting for him, sporting an amused expression, but then his eyes got sidetracked to the bat Rick was carrying in his hand. Rick raised it, offering the handle to Negan, who blinked at it a couple times before taking it from the man. He turned it around in his hands, ran his thumb along, and got on his feet to test swinging it around lightly. Lastly, he threw it a couple inches up in the air, catching it back in the handle as it came down. He hung it over his shoulder and leaned, poking his tongue out at Rick through his grin.

“Well, Rick, ain’t this bad girl a thing of beauty. Pretty good taste, I gotta admit.”

Rick preened under the compliment. He next offered the knife, and Negan’s eyes positively shone when he saw it.

“Fuck yes, this little thing here is fucking badass” he muttered under his breath as he gifted it with a similar inspection he had given to the bat. He cut the tip of his finger while examining it, but ignoring Rick’s offer to look at it, he simply cleaned the blood on the top of the bat and sucked the rest into his mouth. He gave Rick a certain look as he did so that had Rick flushing intensely, which in turn had Negan chuckling to himself. Negan licked his lips and leaned down, brushing his nose and lips against Rick’s and drawing back just before Rick had time to deepen the contact. Rick’s lower lip stuck out in a pout and Negan’s tongue poked out.

“You got this for me?” Rick nodded. Negan’s eyes filled with fondness. “Well, damn. You sure do know how to make a guy feel appreciated, Rick. Thank you.”

“You’re one to talk, you know. You make me feel appreciated all the time, I just wanted to do the same for you.”

“You know what, you’re absolutely fucking right. I’m just the best like that.” Negan preened and Rick rolled his eyes. “And talking about that, there’s something I wanna show you, let me just…”

Rick gave Negan a curious look as the man reached for the bag he had thrown at the floor and muttered to himself as he started digging through it. He cursed a few times, but eventually he emitted a victorious “aha!” as he produced a book and held his price high and proud.

“Surprise fucking surprise, Rick” he said as he let the book fall on Rick’s lap. Rick wasted no time checking it out, opening the first page and feeling his whole face go alight as he passed to the next one. He caressed it with his index finger, then flipped all the pages, letting their borders tickle on his fingertip.

He was looking at a pretty thick, richly and elegantly decorated collection of traditional tales, legends and myths from pretty much everywhere, looking like it had come out of a fairytale itself. Rick hadn’t done a career out of literature for nothing; he loved that stuff. Enough to have wanted to get a job teaching it as soon as he got his degree, over his not-so-brilliant social skills which he had to use every day, and good enough at it that he had only needed a couple years to give college lessons, with hopes of getting a stable position within the next couple years. Rick could, quite literally, spend hours talking about those things, and even though he was specialized in English literature - because he had had to choose something more concrete than ‘give me all of it’, mostly - seeing that book in his hands made him want to honest-to-god squee.

God, one time he wanted to be the one with a nice gesture and Negan beat him to it. The guy was just too damn attentive and caring for it to be fair. And right now, Rick couldn’t even bring himself to be disappointed about it.

He directed his over-excited grin at Negan, who seemed pretty pleased with the look on Rick’s face. He made a lazy gesture and leaned back into the armrest.

“I saw it and thought, ‘fuck, that looks like the kind of shit Rick’s dick gets hard for’, so I got it. I’m guessing you like it?”

“I love this thing. But Negan, how much did it cost? It gotta have been expensive.”

“Nah, I happened to see it in a street market. Why, is it good? Is it some secret lost book that’s been lost for centuries that could make us rich if we sell it? Goddammit, Rick, give me that thing, I know one or two bastards who could find us a good buyer.”

“Stop it, you idiot. It’s a very nice book, is all” Rick laughed, pushing away Negan’s face as the man leaned over him in his attempts to grab the book, grin just as wide on him as on Rick. Just as Rick thought he had gotten Negan to leave it alone, Negan’s hands fell on his sides and - oh shit - he started  _ tickling him _ . Rick emitted a half-scream, half-laugh as he jumped onto his feet, glaring down at Negan as soon as he started laughing. Judging by the way Negan was still rolling with laughter, the glare wasn’t too effective. Rick narrowed his eyes.

“You’re an absolute child, you know that?”

“Never let your inner child die, Rick. He’s fucking screaming for you to save him, don’t you hear him? For fuck’s sake, he sounds pretty damn worried. What the hell is wrong with you? Go save him!”

Rick rolled his eyes and gave Negan his middle finger as he went to leave the book on his bedroom, on top of his pillow, because he knew for a fact he was gonna take hours of sleep away to dig into it. By the time he came back, he found Negan rummaging through his kitchen in search of something ‘greasy, tasty, and that your doctor would judge you for, and why the fuck do you have so much healthy shit.’

Therefore, half an hour later they had a recently-delivered pizza that probably had more meat in it than Rick are in a whole week, with Rick leaning comfortably on the couch and Negan’s legs thrown onto his lap.

“By the way, Negan” Rick mused after swallowing, pointing at Negan with a piece of crust, “do you know if Dwight has anything against me? Have I done anything to him?”

Negan’s brow furrowed and he tilted his head. “Dwight? Not as far as I know.”

“Oh. Do you think he might have a thing for you, then?”

What he got in response was a blank, blank, blank look with not as much as a blink and a long silence. Rick squirmed and his cheeks flushed. He huffed and crossed his arms. “Hey, it  _ is _ a possibility! I don’t know what way he swings and you  _ are _ quite an eyecandy. It’s not so ridiculous.”

“I’m gonna let it slide because of the compliment, Rick, but seriously? Why would you even ask that?” Negan emitted a deafening laugh, hand on top of his stomach, and Rick took on a petulant expression as he pushed Negan’s legs off him to collect his legs onto his torso. Negan’s foot started poking at his ass and Rick swatted it away.

“I ran into him earlier today. I don’t know, it felt like he didn’t think us being together is such a good idea. I thought I might have done something to piss him off.”

Negan’s face went a different kind of blank than it had before, a kind that almost made Rick feel like he should move back and give Negan space, because somehow the man managed to, under his perfectly neutral features, give off a vibe of being royally pissed off. Rick didn’t move away, though, and Negan eventually nodded, licking his lips.

“What did he tell you, Rick?”

“Just that I shouldn’t get too excited about dating you ‘cause I barely know you or something like that. I don’t know, it just seemed like he wanted me away from you. That’s why I thought he might have his eyes on you or something.”

Negan snorted and rolled his eyes, even through his otherwise perfectly cold demeanor. He kept one more moment of silence, fingers tapping on his forearms. Eventually, he shrugged and waved his hand dismissively, easy smile finding its way back to his face.

“Don’t worry, Rick. It’s me the little bitch has a problem with, not you. If he’s got something to tell me, then he should grow some sad attempt at balls and come tell me to my face, not go to the guy I’m dating and try to spread shit. That was fucking uncalled for. Petty fucking asshole.”

Rick considered it for a moment and then decided to accept it. He gave a shrug and went back to peacefully nibble on his pizza. “If you say so. Why does he have a problem with you?”

“‘Cause he’s got shit for brains.”

“C’mon, Negan, you got me curious.”

Negan chuckled and shrugged. “I hit on his girl once before I even knew they were together and he took it personal. Looks like he can’t live down that she looked interested. Not my fault if he doesn’t properly satisfy her, now is it?”

“Don’t be petty, Negan” Rick chastised casually, poking at him with his foot. “I think he beats you on petty, though.”

Negan made an exaggerated gesture with his hand. “I told you, shitbrain’s got shit for brains.”

Rick raised an eyebrow, mildly unimpressed. “Wow. And here I thought that you were friends with him. Do you always trashtalk people you supposedly like as soon as you get the chance? Classy.”

“Oh, believe me, my friends are more than used to me talking shit about them” Negan replied with a lazy, relaxed grin. “It’s no big deal. It’s not like they don’t talk shit about me behind my back, too. Or to my face. It’s a beautiful kind of friendship, ours.”

“Completely charming” Rick supplied, trying to still sound unimpressed but some hints of amusement managed to slip through. Negan turned being a jerk into an art form, it was simply not possible not to be impressed by it. Rick had given up quite a while ago.

And of course, Negan’s smirk was ever-widening with every single hint of a reaction he got out of Rick, no matter what kind. He pushed half a slice of pizza into his mouth and licked at his fingers, giving Rick an amused side-look. “Why are you asking, baby? Afraid I shittalk you too?”

“Why, would you?”

“Rick! You’re gonna hurt my feelings!”

“You haven’t said you don’t.”

“Come here, you little bitch” Negan laughed, collecting Rick into his arms and making him lie on top of him, chest against chest, arms circling Rick’s waist. Between guffaw and guffaw, he started pressing sauce-wet kisses to Rick’s cheeks and hair, while the man squirmed and tried to push him away and bitching that he had washed his hair that morning, you asshole. And still, he was laughing all the same.

Negan’s laugh really was contagious, like an infection, and the man was laughing all the time about everything. It was no wonder that every time Rick met him, his cheeks and chest ended up hurting in the happiest, lightest kind of pain. Negan made him feel like he knew what it was like to walk on a cloud.

He ended up breathing heavily to regain his breath, looking down at Negan, who looked right up at him as he recovered too. Their panting mixed, their eyes met, and Negan’s hand caressed Rick’s cheek on its way to comb some curls out of his face.

“No, Rick. I couldn’t talk bad about you. You’re just too sweet, I couldn’t handle doing it. Just the best for you, huh?”

As his answer, Rick closed the distance and let his lips fall over Negan’s, just as they both closed their eyes. Negan immediately started moving his lips against his own, and Rick let himself get lost in the slow, lazy rhythm of lips, hums, and caresses. It was just so easy for Negan to be all on his mind. Eventually - a minute, ten? - he licked softly at Negan’s lips, and just like that Negan opened them, just as he rolled them over and Rick ended up on his side, trapped between his boyfriend and the back of his couch and with no desire to be rescued.

Negan’s teeth pulled at his lower lip, he kissed at his earlobe, he nuzzled his way along Rick’s slightly raspy jawline, and teased his chin with his teeth. He emitted a sound that was some weird mix of chuckle and grunt, light and cheerful like his voice ever was, and also raspy and heavy at the same time. Rick could only moan in response to it.

Negan was getting hard, Rick could feel that. In any other occasion it might have - would  _ definitely _ have - made him blush and stutter. Now, though, he was all too aware that Negan wasn’t alone in it, and a light roll of his hips had him moaning, and Negan gasping.

They separated, just a few inches, enough for Rick to gaze into the depths of Negan’s oh so dark, oh so tempting eyes, and Rick knew his own gave away pretty much the same as Negan’s did. Pressing his forehead to Negan’s neck, Rick let his hand wander between their bodies and cup Negan’s groin; immediately, Negan groaned, a pained whine as he rolled his hips, covering Rick’s own moan. He wet his lips, dry from panting again and again.

“Wanna… Wanna take it to the bedroom?”

And just like that, it was gone. Rick felt Negan go sort of rigid against him, and Rick was talking about his whole body this time. He blinked, perplexed, and then Negan had his hands on Rick’s shoulders, pushing him a few inches away. He was sucking his lower lip between his teeth, gaze apologetic.

He didn’t need to say more. Rick understood him just fine.

Both of them sat up, each on a different side. Negan had felt so good, so right all pressed up against him, and Rick was painfully aware of the space between them now. He risked a quick glance at Negan; he was stiff, hand rubbing at his neck, and very pointedly not looking at Rick. Uncomfortable. Rick swallowed, feeling stupid, dumb dumb dumb. He shouldn’t have - Negan wasn’t relaxed with him now. Rick wanted to scream out loud.

He’d just thought - it had looked good so far, and Negan was, very pointedly, a very sexual man. He had never had any shame in showing that, in every possible way. He had even made a few mostly-teasing comments at Rick, back when he didn’t know Rick had a thing for him. It had always felt like such a casual, easy thing for him, and now when Rick tried to… Was it because he’d been joking more than Rick realized? Or did he just not want to go that far with Rick?

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

And he still couldn’t bring himself to look Negan’s way.

Luckily for him, Negan did bring himself to put his hand on his shoulder and rub soothingly.

“I’m… Sorry. About that.”

“No, Rick, don’t be sorry. You don’t gotta. It’s alright, really. It’s not like I wasn’t giving you anything to go on, was I?”

Rick swallowed hard and turned to see Negan, who was giving him a reassuring look and a smile that felt somehow shy. He licked his lips, looking at Negan’s.

“Are you saying you want to? Because it’s okay with me if you don’t. It really is. I promise.”

“C’mon, Rick, use that brain of yours. Of course I want. Why the fuck wouldn’t I? Have you looked yourself in the mirror? You’re a god-fucking-damn meal, Rick, and I’m gonna fucking drill that into your brain if I have to. It’s just, look, I don’t wanna fuck this up, alright? It’s been good so far, and I want it to damn well stay that way. We haven’t done anything, and going from 0 to 100 that fast, well, damn, it might be too much.”

Negan had drawn Rick in, safely tucking him under his arm. Rick’s face was resting on Negan’s shoulder, taking in the warmth of his body, and as he listened to the man’s words, he felt all the tension he’d felt before vanish as if it was nothing. He smiled up at Negan and saw that Negan was smiling at him too. He pressed a kiss to Rick’s forehead.

“You’re saying you want it build up on its own, then?”

“Yeah, sounds about right. Go a step at a time, and when it happens it’s just one more thing neither of us has to get nervous or worked up about, huh? Sound nice, doesn’t it?”

Rick smiled brighter, drawing Negan in for a kiss. Damn, this man had him all caught up. “Yes, it does.”

-0-o-0-o-0-

Negan was already gone, and Rick was getting ready for bed. His eyes landed on the book Negan had given him, and a soft smile lighted up his face. He caressed it, felt the urge to start digging on it right away, but just before opening it, an idea came to his head.

He hummed doubtfully to himself. Should he... ? Would it be a good idea to...?

Fuck it. He knew Negan would enjoy. Rick felt a mischievous laughter bubble up in him, feeling light as he moved around preparing it. It felt freeing and cheeky and fun, and it made him feel like laughing out loud.

-0-o-0-o-0-

Negan was at his place, lying down in bed, checking on what Rick had gotten him. A pretty good bat, to be honest. It’d been a long time since he’d held one so nice. The knife was already sitting with the rest of his collection, and it fit right in. He couldn’t stop a fond smile from curving up his lips. Rick really was a sweet one, huh? He’d looked so damn excited when handing it over, like a cute little puppy.

Then he saw he got a message, and when he lazily opened it to check it out-

_ Holy god damn _ .

Negan’s nostrils widened and he inhaled sharply. There, on the screen his eyes were suddenly glued to, was Rick. Nude. Kneeling on his bed, reaching behind him. Negan couldn’t see - although the sight of Rick’s dick, hard and flushed, was something he most fucking definitely didn’t mind - but it was clear that Rick was fucking himself on his fingers, if the way he moved his hips up and down was any indication, or the bright flush that covered all his face and went down to his chest, or the shaky, weak moans escaping from his lips that now flooded Negan’s room.

He was mesmerized. He turned the brightness to maximum for better detail and did the same with the volume.

There was a message with the video.  _ Hope you don’t mind _

Negan sure as every fucking fuck in motherfucking hell didn’t mind.

He felt his hand slipping down without his permission, digging into his underwear, and when it closed around his suddenly full-mast dick, he moaned and bucked up into his fist.

Negan panted. He grunted. He stroked. He shook his head. He stroked again, he moaned. He gritted his teeth. He knew if he stroked again he wasn’t gonna stop.

Fuck, it hurt not to jack off because  _ damn _ . Negan couldn’t help himself from sending a message telling him in a low, raspy voice what a naughty little boy he was.

God, he wanted, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t allow himself to go in that deep. It wouldn’t be fair to himself, and most of all, it wouldn’t be fair to Rick.

God, what had he gotten himself into?


	6. Out of hand

It had, to put it in the most blunt and simple way, told Negan and his pettiness to fuck off and jumped out of his hands while giving him a middle finger.

Pretty well deserved, to be quite honest.

The plan had been pretty simple, pretty easy. It had felt like that within the safety of Negan’s admittedly-kinda-weird mind, at least. Then again, every idea Negan ever had always seemed perfectly reasonable and genius. They did tend to be genius, some way or another, but they also tended to be completely nuts. They often overlapped.

Not this time. This one had just been an attempt at a complete pile of shit of an idea and Negan was starting to feel the urge to slam his head into a wall for coming up with it in the first place.

He hadn’t been lying when he said he didn’t think he was properly in love with Sasha, but neither had he when he said that what they had going on was good and it mattered a lot to him. Seeing Sasha literally slam the door on his face and tell him to fuck off had not only been a major injury to his pride, it also meant Negan being kicked out of something he really, really, really appreciated, and that hadn’t sat all that good with him. Not at all.

Negan had an alarmingly high capacity for pettiness. If Sasha had given him the kick it was because he had fought with claws and fangs to earn it, but hell if he was gonna acknowledge it to himself before two of three years had gone down the line. Nope, that just wouldn’t do. Therefore, he needed someone to pin his anger into, and he happened to have the perfect candidate in the form of Rick ‘why didn’ you just stay quiet you little bitch’ Grimes.

Who was actually a pretty decent guy who just navigated Negan’s picking on him the best he could and had never shown a little bit of his interest and who, as Sasha told him over later conversations while they settled things after the breakup, was feeling pretty shitty about it. But then again, Negan’s pride could easily overpower his more rational, compassionate side. Negan decided the asshole had officially upranked to fucking damn asshole.

Until then, just fine. Nothing out of the usual for Negan, nothing that wouldn’t come down after a couple months of calming down and letting his head cool.

But then he had run into Rick. He swore that had been pure dumb luck. Literally walking into him as if he hadn’t been looking? Alright, maybe that had been more of a choice. Details. Negan had just wanted to walk up to him and see his reaction. He didn’t even intend to be too much of an ass to him, Negan could give himself credit for that much.

And Rick turned out to be kind of adorable and so fucking innocent and blushy and all that shit when looking up at Negan, and then was when The Idea popped into his head, and before he could even properly consider it or talk himself out of it, he had taken Rick’s phone and started it, and Negan wasn’t the kind of guy to go back on what he had already started.

The Brilliant Idea? Getting involved with Rick. Which didn’t sound like such a bad idea, but then came the punchline; _pretend_ to get involved with Rick, mess with him for a while, let him build up some hope, and then let shit rain down on his face. Kind of over-the-top of a dick move even for Negan’s standards, but hey, he believed in self-superation. There were always new highs - and new lows - to reach.

It was just a crush that Rick had, anyway. It’d be just enough to get a little payback, nothing that was gonna crush him too much. Just mostly harmless fun to make himself feel a little bit better.

Except that after a week of taking hours to answer to Rick’s texts after having seen them, not paying all that much attention to him at all, and having a beer in his boxers when he should be getting ready if he wanted to get to the park in time, the date had come and Rick was just... Alright, so maybe he was pretty fucking adorable and maybe the smiles Negan had given him were a little more genuine than planned. Didn’t mean much. Didn’t mean much that he had bothered to put together an actually pretty okay date, either. Fake or not, for good or not, Negan was a goddamn good date, and he was gonna live up to that standard. And perhaps he had been a bit too amused by the idea of playing the part of charming boyfriend - his dad always said he should have been an actor, with all his dramatics and his good looks; he should have listened to the old man and gotten richer than fuck - and had ended up going a bit too much into it, with all that shit of paying for the game - which he’d argued to himself was for his own entertainment - and being making Rick feel so very appreciated.

He hadn’t planned to go all out, it had just sort of happened. But happen it did and Rick had been head-over-heels smitten. _You’d be cute if I didn’t want to spit in your face_ Negan had thought to himself by the time the date was ending. Even that early into it, perhaps the spit part was more of something he added to remind himself what he was doing there.

Nothing that couldn’t be fixed. Just add some more of his trademarked Negan assholery into it and Rick would be back to worrying if it was going as fine as he thought Negan was leading him to believe. Only he found out that texting with Rick was kind of fun and he ended up doing it more often than planned, and perhaps he might have been smiling while doing so, and perhaps he actually was the one starting it sometimes rather than letting Rick initiate and then keep him waiting and waiting and angsting like a dumb teenager.

Negan tried to feel pissed when Rick told him he had talked to Sasha about all of it. He did feel pissed, oh fuck yes he did, because it reminded him that Sasha thought of him as something of the past and that was fucking not cool, and it reminded him that Rick got to still be her friend and that made him wanna punch him, and it made him be ‘Rick’s boyfriend’ in her eyes and that made him want to scream. It just so happened that he wasn’t as angry as he thought he would be, and Rick had genuinely wanted to know if he was bothered and that spoke good of the guy, and then Rick had asked him what his opinion was rather than just brush it aside and let it stay unmentioned, because he’d wanted to know if he missed Sasha that way, and something told Negan that Rick, the ever noble, ever selfless goodie-boy motherfucker, would be okay with either answer.

When he reassured Rick that everything was just peachy with him, he had been just sticking to his part. Well, for the most part. He still didn’t _like_ Rick, mind you, the guy had just earned a few points with Negan. Either way, he had to keep playing good boyfriend if he wanted Rick to buy it. He didn’t actually care if Rick’s feelings were hurt, right? That was pretty much the point. And if he did honestly want to reassure Rick, then that was just another thing he was gonna throw into his mind’s drawer and refuse to examine.

He hadn’t intended to be so genuinely flirty when he and Rick went bowling, either. He still didn’t want to build up Rick’s hopes _too_ much, but what was he to do if the guy made it so easy for Negan to relax and be himself? The words flowed out of his mouth on their own and just like that, there it was, that fucking blush, that fucking smile, that were ever-present in Rick’s face. Huh, Negan was starting to actually find it endearing. Trying to fix it by being too much of an ass to the snob brat didn’t help, either; Negan was half-expecting Rick to decide he was the same kind of jerk he was before and walk out on him. Instead, he’d readily bought into his apology an that was it. Next thing Negan knew, they were having ice-cream and having a walk and for fuck’s sake, Negan was starting to actually think of it as a date.

And then the kiss. Fuck fuck fucking fuck, the kiss. Negan hadn’t expected Rick to get over his shyness and take the first step like that. He hadn’t expected to think that was attractive. He hadn’t expected to like Rick kissing him. He hadn’t expected kissing back.

But all of that happened, and it hit Negan that he was getting into it too much, and Rick was already too far into that shit and he was gonna get hurt more than Negan had planned him to, and he couldn’t stop thinking that Rick’s kiss tasted of chocolate and he wanted to taste more. He had to break the mood, so he brought up Sasha - because what better way to break the mood than bringing up how much the ex means to you, right? Maybe he knew that he had an twig’s chance in hell of getting back with her, but that didn’t stop him from missing her and all the shit he said was true. Only that Rick was obviously feeling shitty afterwards and Negan suddenly didn’t want that even if that was what he’d been aiming for, and he said sorry, and then he let it slip about _her_ and Rick asked and Negan got angry, and then he was sorry again.

How the hell was he supposed to deal with it when he actually broke Rick’s heart, if seeing him pout a little was enough for him to change his mind faster than he came after a month-long dry spell? Really, Negan should have changed his mind back then. Too bad he was a stubborn fuck piece of trash.

He went to a bar afterwards to drink the frustration away, ended up chatting up a pretty boy with brown hair and brown eyes and pretty lips that definitely wanted to be around Negan’s dick. A few more drinks and Negan’s judgement might be clouded enough for them to get there. Too bad - too good? - that he happened to run into Dwight and his ‘I hate fun’ stick in the ass.

_‘I heard you were with Rick’_ he’d said.

_‘I heard you were a little bitch and you don’t see me giving you shit about it. Most of the time. What you doing in this shithole, anyway? Looking for some new pussy, D? Is Sherry’s available now?’_ Negan’s already half-drunk ass had replied. He’d known Dwight would want to punch him for that. Maybe he’d wanted him to. A fight always sounded like fun to him. It would definitely distract him, at the very least.

A few more words, a little _‘Whatever I do with Ricky Dicky Grimes is my business and my business alone, Dwight. Say a word and I swear to fuck that I’ll rip off your balls with my bare hands’_ and it was all good. Of course. Perhaps Dwight had grunted something about Negan being a terrible person and not knowing why he was still friends with him, but Negan didn’t mind that much. He more or less agreed with him, actually. But hey, no fun for goodie-two-shoes.

And still, by the time Dwight and his no-fun ugly mug had left, Rick was back to rolling in Negan’s head, and looking at the guy he’d been chatting up suddenly left a bitter taste in Negan’s mouth. He didn’t want to do shit with him, not while being technically taken, why the hell was he losing his time with him? So Negan promptly gave him his middle finger, finished his beer, and went home.

A few more dates, a lot more talking, and Rick was still being so damn cute and Negan was still realizing that he couldn’t help _liking_ him. Just a little bit. It was fun to be around him, and Negan was starting to wish he’d never been such an ass to him in the first place, or never started out this idea. Rick would have been someone Negan would have liked having as a friend, if he hadn’t set himself up to having Rick hating his guts sooner rather than later, one way or another. Pity.

And then, _that_.

Negan groaned into his pillow, fighting the urge to grind his still-hard dick into the mattress for some sweet release, the images of Rick’s video still fresh and all-present in his mind.

“Shit... “ he muttered to himself, turning to his side. He didn’t have the mattress to grind against now, but his hand was lying dangerously close to his groin. Negan grunted, pointedly tucking it under the pillow and glaring, as if it was doing something that Negan wasn’t allowing it to.

Rick was hot. Fuck yeah he was, there was no way to deny that, and Negan had never tried to. And that round ass that begged to be smacked… hell. Negan had had an easy enough time keeping his mind away from that, but now that Rick had made his interest explicit, it wasn’t all that easy. Negan hadn’t watched the whole video, but he still had in his mind a clear picture of Rick coming on his own fingers while moaning Negan’s name. God, he hadn’t fucked someone in a while, and Rick was so eagerly open to it. It’d be so easy to take what he needed.

But it’d be fucked up, too, Negan reminded himself, and the thought and the guilt seeping into his stomach partially pushed the horny away. Rick was already far too invested in this, and Negan had already led him on much more than he ever planned to. He should have broken the news to him by the end of the second date, that was his first plan, but then it had come and he didn’t want to. He hadn’t felt like cutting short his conversations with Rick just yet, and the idea of Rick’s face after Negan told him what a fucking idiot he’d been making out of himself was something that kind of made Negan’s stomach churn. But the longer he kept going at it, the worse it was gonna be and fuck, Negan didn’t know what to do, other than slam his head into the wall and curse out loud when it, surprise surprise, turned out to fucking hurt.

Yes, he’d wanted to hurt Rick because he was petty and he was trash, and when he was angry he wanted people to hurt even if they weren’t to blame at all - and if Negan had someone to blame for Sasha leaving him, it sure as hell wasn’t Rick. But he hadn’t wanted to _really_ , deeply hurt him, not like he would now. Hell, now he didn’t want to hurt him at all. Rick was a genuinely good guy and he didn’t deserve that shit.

But Rick was too deep in now, and how was Negan supposed to walk out of this mess without making him hurt in the process?

“You and your fucking brilliant ideas” Negan slurred once more, wondering if he was gonna be able to sleep at all.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

He did get about five hours of sleep, in the end. Enough to make him live through the day, not enough to make him stop bitching to his furniture and empty space of his house that ‘I don’t even have class until the afternoon, why the hell does my brain want to get up? Fuck you, brain, you’ve been a huge pain in the ass lately.’

Well, he was awake now and no bitching was gonna change that. Might as well do something with his time more productive than just stare at the ceiling and hate existence. Without bothering to get out of the bed, Negan got his phone, stared at Rick’s message from last night and - nope, not going there. He scrolled through his contacts and called Dwight.

“I thought we had an agreement” he grumbled as soon as he heard the click in the other side. “You don’t tell Rick shit, I don’t turn your face into shit. Those terms are easy enough to understand, Dwight, where exactly did we go wrong?”

“Good morning to you too, Negan. It might surprise you to hear that it’s too early for me to be dealing with this right now.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. The matter at hand, what the fuck is wrong with you? You went and told Rick shit. That doesn’t fly good with me, Dwight. It kind of pisses me off. You don’t like me pissed off, now do you?”

“Chill down, Jesus. I didn’t tell him anything, alright? Just told him he might want to think about it for a moment if he’s getting involved with you, and that’s simply some healthy advice. I bet you didn’t tell him about that guy you were gonna bang behind his back.”

Negan snorted and rolled his eyes. “You know jackshit about this, Dwight. I wasn’t gonna bang him, I was just getting amused for a while. No harm in looking, is there?”

“You’re saying you wouldn’t have minded if I told Rick about that? That’s hard to believe, you know. Look, I don’t know what’s going on in your head or if you wanna mess with him, but either way that’s what you’re doing. I was just warning him.”

“Might be true! Smart boy, D, you’ve earned a cookie. But look, I don’t care. What pisses me off is that it’s _my_ business and I very clearly told you to fuck off about it. We clear, Dwight? It’s not like you care all that much about the guy, anyway.”

There was a short silence in which Negan could feel Dwight shrugging. “I’m not close to him, but I do think he’s a good guy. I don’t think you care much about him, either, if you want my opinion. But relax, I’m not gonna say anything more.”

And with that Dwight ended the call. Negan gave a half-assed middle finger to his phone before tossing it at his feet, yawning and scratching his stomach. What a bitch. Not that Negan was that bothered. Dwight was most likely right that Rick would be better off rethinking this whole thing, and Negan was at a point where he was okay acknowledging that. But what was he to do? Insulting Dwight was too much fun, like hell was he gonna tell him he was right, specially when he’d done what Negan had told him not to do. And anyway, it wasn’t like he’d done any big effort for Rick’s sake.

“Fuck off, jerk. I bet I care more than you do.” Negan stretched, sat up, and got on his feet. Alright, lots of thinking to do.

So he wanted to get out of this mess he’d dug himself into, he thought as he made breakfast, but he couldn’t do it by fast-forwarding to the moment he told Rick he had no interest in being lovey-dovey corny boyfriends. He’d already played his part of showing interest too well, and if he tried that it’d just end up in Rick realizing Negan had been playing him, which was a no fuck no. And if he said he’d _lost_ the interest instead, well, that could work, but then Rick would be so sad and that’d fuck Negan up. He’d ask what exactly had gone wrong and then Negan would be screwed, because honestly? He did enjoy spending time with Rick. He’d have to lie, and he knew he’d feel too guilty to do it smoothly.

Negan had never been good at willingly letting go of things, no matter what they were, no matter how much he actually wanted them or not.

He really would have liked Rick as a friend… Ah, there goes to friendships that never were.

For a brief moment, he considered just going ahead with this whole thing. Immediately, he physically shook it out of his head. He might enjoy Rick’s company, but he wasn’t in love, and Negan was too true to himself to ever even consider staying in a relationship he didn’t want for someone else’s sake. It would be worse for Rick eventually, anyway.

So he couldn’t tell Rick the truth, he couldn’t manage to bring himself to break up with him, and he couldn’t continue with him. Therefore, the only option was that Rick break up with him instead. Couldn’t crush the guy’s self-esteem if he was the one to tell Negan to get lost.

God, he was genius.

Negan hummed to himself, entering the shower and letting the cool water kill whatever remains of a mental boner he might have had from not having treated himself last night like his life depended on it. That was it, Rick was gonna have to be the one to take the step and leave the relationship behind for both their sakes. It was the best way to go about it, really. It wasn’t Negan’s fault that the guy was that so much into him that Negan breaking up with him would crush him - alright, it was, but _details_ \- and Negan honestly thought he wasn’t flattering his own ego that much with that thought. He wasn’t blind, Rick was very fucking much hung over the moon about him. Which might be kind of a problem now. Hmmmmm, let’s see, let’s see.

Negan was obviously gonna have to start being more of his jerk self, ‘cause there was no way Rick would get sick enough of him if he kept playing perfect boyfriend - because that was what Negan was, to be honest; a fucking price. Oh, Negan wasn’t gonna enjoy that. He wouldn’t have an easy time doing it, either, not anymore. He used to get a laugh out of getting under Rick’s skin and making him feel embarrassed and insulted. Now, the thought made him grit his teeth. Nope, that wouldn’t be a nice experience for either of them, but if it was what it took…

A thought forced his way into his head, that pretty boy he’d mock-hitted on on the bar. Maybe Negan didn’t have to drag it out. Maybe just one huge thing would do the trick, like removing a bandaid in one go. Hurtful, but better than doing it little by little.

And immediately after, all he could think about was her blue eyes - a different shade from Rick’s, but so damn alike - and that look on them. A look of hurt and confusion and a self-esteem that kept getting fainter and fainter until it was gone and all that was left was wanting to know what she’d done wrong, when she’d done nothing wrong at all.

Negan felt sick and he wondered if he was gonna throw up right there, on the shower and all over himself. He rested his arm on the wall, took a deep breath, and let the steady stream of warm water falling on his head and dragging his locks of hair down to stick onto his skull calm him down.

No. No no no. Fuck no. He wasn’t gonna do that, not to Rick, not to anyone. Never again. Rick was too good and too sweet to have his self-esteem shattered like that. Negan refused.

Negan had a blank look when he came out of the shower, but by the time he was dry and dressed, he had done what he did best and pushed it to the back of his mind to be ignored, and he was relaxed and easy all over again. No point in worrying about shit he’d left behind or shit that would never happen.

So, shitty but not-too-shitty boyfriend route it was. Mediocre boyfriend. Not-fulfilling boyfriend. Not-bothering-to-be-all-that-good-after-a-few-dates boyfriend. Alright. Rick was a smart boy and he surely had enough self-love. Just a little handful of things and he’d see Negan wasn’t worth keeping around. Wouldn’t hurt, just… Kill the joy of it little by little. Rick wouldn’t even notice it until it was already done.

Negan didn’t care about anyone’s opinion of him. He had to remind himself of that, because for some reason, the thought of Rick looking at him and not seeing anything remarkable or desirable made his jaw tighten and his lips become a thin, thin, white line.

Would have been a good friend, his mind supplied again. Maybe once there was no romance involved, Negan could work on that. Yeah, yeah, he would. That would be nice. Bowling night again, bros that don’t wanna kiss anymore. Sweet.

“It’s for your sake, Rick, don’t you fucking give me shit about it” he mumbled to himself. He grabbed his phone and looked for Rick.

**_‘hey babe do u mind if i dont go pick u up on saturday? lets leave it for next week aight?’_ **

Negan sent it, stared at it, licked his lips. He started typing again, then deleted a couple words, then wrote five more, then deleted it all, then wrote it again. _‘we already had our weekly date hour yesterday lmao, gotta let it rest or itll run out :p’_ would definitely do the trick of coming across as a huge jerk. However, the thought of Rick thinking that Negan had to force himself to spend time with him out of duty and not because he enjoyed it… Not good. He had to, but he didn’t want to, but it was for Rick’s sake, but it would hurt him, but he’d be better off without him, but-

**_‘afraid i gotta give class this saturday’_ **

**_‘assholes dont understand what weekend means do they’_ **

**_‘but what can i do they give me my munny’_ **

Negan’s lips twisted, looking at it. Probably still worked? Too much of a realistic, non-jerkish reason to skip a date, maybe. He knew he’d never taken it personally when someone had to change plans due to stuff like that.

**_‘saturday mornin if youre up to waking up early? how bout sunday? i kno u gotta go sleep early on sundays but if u wanna im free’_ **

And when exactly had he allowed himself to send that? Biting his lip, Negan debated whether to delete it or not. But before he could reach a conclusion, Rick had already read it and was typing a response.

He didn’t mind at all and Negan shouldn’t be worried about it. Saturday morning sounded like a good option if Negan thought so too.

Negan typed a quick response to propose an hour and a place and proceeded to groan into his hands. How was he supposed to fuck up his relationship with Rick if he couldn’t bring himself to be a little bit rude to the guy? Fuck Rick and his fucking endearing everything. That had to be foul play.

Later on, on the gym, as he told his students that the hours of class they had lost the day before were gonna be recovered on Saturday and if he heard one more complaining, he was gonna show them what _really_ punching someone senseless meant, he started wondering. He hadn’t been in love with Sasha, but he had enjoyed being her boyfriend all the same. It was good. It was something that could have eventually lead to something more. And Rick, he wasn’t in love with him, but it was good to be with him too. Maybe he should consider…

No. Nope. Don’t go that way, Negan. Maybe if it had been any other way, but not like this. Not when the reason he’d gotten together with Rick in the first place was what it was. It didn’t feel right.

And if Negan was feeling down about that, then boo boo, he’d get over it.


	7. Just too damn cute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan intends to be an asshole, but it looks like he might have lost his special touch for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've seen some of you were kinda worried after last chapter. I just wanna say, I promise this fic isn't dark! Or isn't intended to be, at least. And my intention isn't to give Negan's assholery the focus as a central element but as an initial situation to work forward from. Just wanted to assure you of that. Now, please read and enjoy!

“C’mon, you sexy bastard. You can do this.”

Negan’s eyes met those of his reflection’s, wide and clear and framed by the drops of water he’d just thrown on his face. The cold water did its job of making his doubt-hazy, second thoughts-full brain snap into the here and now and into the crystal clear facts.

Alright, so last date he hadn’t done what he’d agreed with himself he would do and hadn’t notched down the irresistibility levels or or done anything to add to his insufferable list. He had two excuses to present to himself: the first was that simple and undeniable irresistibility was just that much of an essential part of Negan’s being, and deleting it wasn’t that easy; the second one was that Rick was so fucking endearing in every single thing he did or said that Negan had had to convince himself to give him one more good date. A sort of goodbye to what they’d had going on for a little while before it went downhill. There goes to good things that never actually were.

But not now. Now another date day had come and Negan was gonna stick to his plan because that was what plans were for, and it might not be a pleasant plan, and maybe Negan sort of absolutely hated it, but stick to it he was gonna do. It was for Rick’s sake, he reminded himself, to help him get out of the mess Negan himself had gotten him into without the guy ever even knowing he’d been in it at all.

Negan was inspired by the resolute look the face on the mirror gave him. He nodded, made finger-guns at his sexy double, dried himself, and got out of the bathroom. He shrugged his denim jacket on, gave himself one second, and then he was gone out to his date with ever-sweet, ever-unsuspecting Rick. God bless his heart.

Half an hour later, under a pleasant afternoon spring sun, Negan met Rick and he was welcomed with a wide, wide grin and an enthusiastic kiss that Negan responded to with a hum, hands on Rick’s hips not to let the man get too close - although, when Rick started to move away, Negan found out that they were there to not let him get too far away, either, to his utter puzzlement. Rick laughed good-naturedly at him and playfully shrugged out of Negan’s hold, and then they started walking. It was something Rick liked doing every now and then, walking just for the sake walking. He said it helped him relax, clear his head and let his mind wander around better than he ever could sitting still at home. Negan wasn’t so sure it had the same effect on him than on Rick, but so far, it hadn’t been boring. After all, he had Rick’s pretty face there to look at and talk to. Pleasant enough for him to enjoy.

Negan was always the one talking. He was the louder, more talkative one, always running his mouth about everything even when he had nothing at all to say, and Rick was always the quieter one, more reserved, always happy to just listen, smile and nod every now and then even if he had zoned out, and comment something every few minutes. It worked good that way; Rick didn’t mind listening, and Negan didn’t mind filling the silence. Not this time, though. This time, Negan let a few minutes pass by, made a bit of meaningless, impersonal small talk, and let it go back to silence.

Surely Rick had to be growing uncomfortable, right? He had to be fidgeting awkwardly, wondering why the usually filled silence was now so sharply present, maybe trying to come up with some subjects in his head but not quite managing to get them out. Negan gave him a look out the corner of his eye, fighting back both a hint of a grin and a wince of sympathy for the guy. Then he saw that Rick looked perfectly happy and frowned, confused. Rick caught his eye, tilted his head and smiled. Negan immediately smiled back and looked ahead to avoid Rick’s eyes, biting the inside of his cheek.

A couple more minutes of silence passed and Negan looked at Rick again, eyebrow arched. Rick looked completely relaxed, looking ahead, walking without touching Negan but close enough that Negan felt his presence there with his eyes closed, and gifting Negan with small smiles every few moments. Of course Rick would be the kind of guy to be able to find silence comfortable, Negan thought with an amused smile that only had a hint of exasperation. How he did that, Negan was fucking clueless. If he was always running those pretty lips of his, it was because silence made him itchy and nervous as hell. Maybe if he looked enough at Rick he could figure it out.

Negan hadn’t been completely aware that he was staring, and therefore, when Rick took notice and raised a quizzical eyebrow, he felt a weak blush rise up to his cheeks and spluttered something as he looked ahead. Laughing, Rick bumped into his side, arms touching and rising up on his toes to put a quick kiss to Negan’s cheek. Negan blushed further, spluttered some more, and Rick laughed again, lightly poking at his side. Negan had the feeling that he could feel the teasing in Rick’s eyes much clearer than his own words could ever convey, colorful as they were.

When Rick moved away, he had taken Negan’s hand hostage within his own, and he made them swing together lightly for a moment before allowing them to fall down. Negan couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corners of his lips, nor could he help swinging the hands a bit himself. Rick responded with a squeeze, and Negan squeezed harder. Rick arched his eyebrow, squeezed harder still, but decided to be sensible and give it up when Negan responded with a harder press. What was he to do? Competitiveness was a part of him.

Negan laughed under his breath, wondering when exactly he’d gone from mock-childish to genuinely childish. Next, he scowled slightly - but not nearly enough to sour his relaxed expression - and shook his head to clear it out. He wasn’t here to be grossly lovey-fucking-dovey with Rick, quite the opposite. He should drop his hand or something, that small, mildly rough but still pleasant, warm hand. Yeah, he should. Any moment now. Negan did actually start loosening his grip - although he wasn’t gonna completely let go anyway - but Rick chose that precise moment to affectionately run his thumb over Negan’s hand, and Negan was returning the gesture within a second.

Godammit. Negan discreetly scowled at the rebel hand that refused to follow orders, and then to the curly-haired man that had unwittingly taken it hostage. Not fair, dude. Who exactly gave him the right to be so cute, huh? Most importantly, who gave him the right to mess with Negan that way? Which was kinda hypocritical of Negan to wonder, but hey, Hi my name is Negan and this is who I am.

Letting his eyes run through Rick’s profile, Negan took notice once more of how, except the eyes, the features on themselves were pretty, but not spectacular or particularly calling Negan’s attention, but together they formed a collective that Negan usually had a hard time tearing his eyes away from. He saw the light dusting of stubble that gave Rick’s cheeks a slight brown that still let Negan’s eyes see the skin, and that felt pleasantly raspy, kinda tickling, when Negan touched it. Negan was feeling like touching it right there, right then.

He licked his lips and suppressed the need. Instead, he let his eyes wander along the jawline, the neck, and then - Negan frowned.

“Rick” he called with a click of his tongue. By the time the man’s eyes had turned towards him, Negan’s hand had already freed itself and went up to Rick’s neck, settling right on the collar of his shirt. Negan felt the warmth of the skin for a moment before slipping his finger in and taking it out through a hole in the fabric. He wriggled it as if to prove his unspoken point. He raised his eyebrows. “How fucking old is this rag you’re wearing?”

Rick’s cheeks colored and he looked down, catching his lower lip between his teeth. He dragged his voice for a few moments. “Mmmm, a few years? I don’t really remember. I just saw it and put it on, you know? It’s not like I have many better ones- But I have enough! Really. I got at least three ones that are less than three years.”

Negan gave him a moment to see if he added something else in his defense. He didn’t. Negan stopped walking and tilted his head to one side, his hip to the other, and Rick stood in front of him, red coming and coming to his face.

“Why the everfucking hell don’t you have proper clothes, Rick? ‘Cause something tells me this isn’t just the shirts. I thought you were going for the whole hipster look on purpose, you know.”

“I… I’m not sure? I keep forgetting to go get better ones, and when I do remember, I’m just too tired or too comfortable or busy. But, I’ll get new clothes tomorrow! Look, I’m gonna set an alarm or something…”

Negan rolled his eyes and forced Rick to push his phone back onto his pocket. He proceeded to look around, eyes narrowing as his scanner set to work. He located his objective, nodded resolutely, and next moment he was marching into the shop, dragging Rick behind him.

“is this really necessary?” Rick’s cheeks were peaking-red, and it was only marginally because of the butt-tap Negan had given him to get him into looking at the clothes.

“Oh hell yes it is. I’m not gonna let you go around with torn clothes, Rick. It’s fucking human charity.”

“I don’t really have enough money for this shop. There’s one in my street-”

“That’s why we’re gonna split up the price. Go hunting, baby.”

“But-”

“The only but you’re gonna give me is your bubble butt. Now go.”

Negan watched with a strange mixture of amusement and army-rigid seriousness as Rick’s shoulders fell down and he started moving through the store. He let his own eyes wander around for a couple minutes, through the leather mostly, and then his attention went back to Rick. Rick, who had managed to find all the clothes in the store that were exactly the same dull shade of brown. Negan groaned to himself, nostrils widened, and strided up to Rick. The man yelped when Negan forced the clothes out of his hands and dropped them on the first place he found.

“Negan, I was gonna buy that!”

“And I was gonna have to sneak into your place at night to get those damn insults to my eyes  _ and _ your body to return them. You can’t fucking take care of yourself.”

Negan interrupted Rick’s complaining by throwing a brown jacket - an actually appealing shade of brown, mind you - at him, which the guy caught in the air. Negan grinned and went on.

“Alright, let’s see. Brown is a color that suits you, won’t deny that, but for fuck’s sake, Rick, have some taste. You need some  _ color _ . Look, this would look good on you, this too. Blue is your color, but don’t abuse it too much, alright? We want your eyes to stand out, not to be just another blue thing on you. What do you think of this green? No, don’t answer, I’ll tell you; you fucking love it, it’s your best friend from now on, and fuck help me if I hear you haven’t paid it proper attention. Alright, let’s see… White and grey, yes, I think...  You see, the thing is that you can work everything just fine and dammit, you’re wasting your gift with ugly ass rags. What’s this, sweats? For home, maybe, for sport, but I’ll knock you out if you’re gonna go out in that. Aha! Look at this. Here’s a secret, Rick; black goes good with  _ everything _ . A damn godsent. But don’t abuse it either, because then you’re just gonna look like you wanna be an edgelord, and the only one who can try to be an edgelord and come out victorious is yours truly. Get it?”

Rick smiled slightly from under the mountains of clothes piling and piling on his arms. “You sound like a fashion victim, Negan. Wouldn’t have pegged you as one.”

“I’ll let you know I’ve been pegged plenty times in my life. Also, you seem to be forgetting that I’m gay as fuck, Rick. Every gay who loves himself knows how to be a goddamn fabulous fucker.”

“Yeah? What does that make me, then?”

“A gay who doesn’t love himself” Negan replied easily, shooting Rick a grin over his shoulder. Or what could be seen of him. Negan paused and laughed, running his hand through his hair. “But don’t worry, fairy goddaddy is here to fix it. Now get to trying these on, alright? C’mon, c’mon, off you go.”

Negan shoved a still-not-so-convinced Rick to the changing room, tutting over the sound of the man’s faint complaining, and forty minutes of changing sizes and taking this one and leaving that one later, Rick was a checkout away from being the proud owner of clothes that showed some damn good taste. A good handful of clothes hung on Rick’s arms and shoulders, and he was giving a half-hearted glare at Negan.

“I told you, Rick, I don’t mind spending some money on this. Consider it an investment on my reputation. Just think how much it’d sink if I keep showing up in public with someone who doesn’t know how to properly dress. It’d reach the fucking core of this godforsaken planet.”

“Ain’t that sweet of you.” Negan flashed Rick a grin that the man couldn’t help returning. Rick snorted and let his eyes wander around the shop. “Alright, let’s see, I’ll let you help pay this if you let me choose something for you.  _ And _ next three times we eat out I pay for all of it.”

Negan scowled and crossed his arms. “I feel insulted, Grimes. I don’t need new clothes, I rock the fuck out of everything I put on because I’m hot stuff like that.”

“Precisely! Pretty much everything you wear is black. And it’s nice, you know, but some change every now and then could be nicer. You could make some color work. Show me you’re not some emo creature of the night and throw something light on every now and then.”

Negan might have taken offense for his fashion sense’s sake, if he hadn’t been too busy chuckling lowly to himself. He let his answer hang for a moment, then nodded.

“Alright, let’s see what you can do, young padawan.”

Negan came out of the store with a green jacket over his shoulders and bags on his hands, a freshly-fashionable Rick walking beside him, very clearly trying to look irritated but very clearly preening on his new clothes. His satisfaction rubbed off on Negan, whose smile was growing wider the longer he looked at Rick. Very fucking much worth the money, even if it had been as much as Rick had made it out to be.

He wondered when exactly he’d gone from trying to subtly get under Rick’s skin to having so much fun fixing the man’s wardrobe. But hey, Rick looked happy, and that was good enough for now. What was the harm in keeping it light one more time? He’d get to work on it next time.

( _ Lies. _ )

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Negan was leaning on a tree, sunglasses over his eyes, and fingers tapping rhythmically on his forearm as he waited. He was in front of where Rick gave classes, and if his watch wasn’t wrong - he checked it once more just to make sure - the man should be coming out in about two minutes and nineteen seconds. Negan shoved his hand back into the pocket of his jacket - one of his usual dark ones, despite having been about to get the one Rick chose for him the other day. It was in good taste, his apprentice had indeed learned quick, but had Negan indulged, then he’d be encouraging Rick. That just wouldn’t do, not at all. Encouraging him was the exact opposite of what Negan needed to be doing.

Which maybe made this not such a good idea; so far, for the most part he and Rick had kept their meetings to dates they agreed on and keep the rest to text, with no free wing for spontaneity in that regard except the one time Negan had shown up at Rick’s place. Now he was gonna be waiting there for Rick to get out and greet him, spontaneous and unexpected. Maybe that’d have the opposite effect to what he-

Negan’s thoughts were interrupted when he saw Rick walk out of the building. His lips spread in a wide, sharp grin. Bingo. There, walking with Rick, was a tall, blonde girl with a face full of freckles, both of them apparently engrossed in conversation, if the way Rick gestured as he did when he wanted to explain himself but didn’t quite find the words, and she playfully shoved him away, were any indication.

Negan watched them for a moment, askew smile on his face. Rick was laughing. He was beautiful when he laughed. Regardless, Negan tore himself from the tree, checked himself to make sure his leather bad boy look was on point, adjusted his sunglasses, and strided his way up to Rick and his friend. Rick’s face lit up in pleased surprise when he spotted Negan, who grinned wider.

“Hey, Negan! What are you-”

_ ‘doing here? _ ’ was the continuation, Negan assumed, but Rick never got to say it, since Negan closed his mouth on his boyfriend’s mid-sentence. He wasted no time shoving his tongue into Rick’s mouth, humming loud and clear how much he liked it, wrapping his arms around the smaller man and walking him backwards into the nearest surface he could find, the wall of the building. Rick’s eyes were blown wide in surprise, and Negan chuckled into the deepening kiss. Rick put his hands on Negan’s shoulders, grounding himself there, but not quite pushing him away. Negan nibbled on his lower lip, licked around it, and then pulled back.

“Hi there” he greeted, casual and innocent. Rick’s newly kiss-swollen lips hanged open and he muttered kinda dumbly. He looked at some point behind Negan’s back, at the woman he’d just been talking to, and before he had a chance to say something, some sort of apology most likely, Negan went in again, just as heated as before. Only when that was done did he step back, proud grin on his face the same way the embarrassed flush was on Rick’s. Negan spinned around on his heels, facing the woman and putting his hands on his hips.

“Hi to you too.”

She had her arms crossed and her eyebrow arched as she took in the man in front of her, eyes going up and down pointedly. “Hi” she replied, slowly and sounding kind of amused. “I’m assuming you must be Negan, right?”

“The one and motherfucking only” Negan confirmed proudly, snaking his arm around Rick’s shoulder and pressing him to his side. He leaned to kiss the top of his head. “This sexy bastard’s boyfriend, owner of his ass. You, sexy lady?”

“This is Andrea” Rick said, face half-buried in Negan’s neck and sounding mildly embarrassed. “She works here too, she’s a friend. And now she’s never gonna respect me again because of you.”   


The corners of this Andrea girl’s lips were definitely twisting upwards, although she was clearly fighting her laugh off, for her friend’s honor’s sake, Negan guessed with a smile of his own.

“Owww, I don’t know, Rick. You know I’ve never had much respect for you in the first place. But I gotta say, I’d never think I’d see you being manhandled around by a biker with a leather kink.”   


Leather kink? It’s called being stylish, Negan thought to himself, but his grin grew and he laughed. He  _ did _ have a leather kink, but that was nothing she needed to know. Beside him, he heard Rick laughing, and that made his brows knit together and he looked at his boyfriend. Rick wasn’t supposed to be amused, he was supposed to be embarrassed and then talk Negan’s ear off about proper context for displays of affection and blah fucking blah. Negan thought maybe Rick was keeping the front and then he’d go at it when they were alone, but then he felt his ass being pinched. He yelped softly and raised his eyebrows at Rick, who was borrowing Negan’s wink and tongue out combo.

“Well, yeah, you weren’t supposed to see it, but what can I do? It’s like I’m babysitting a kid, I can never know what he’s gonna do. At least it’s never boring with him, you know?”

“You know it, baby.” Negan leaned and kissed Rick’s curls, moderately baffled that his dignified ass was just rolling along, but the issue didn’t last long in his mind.

“What are you doing here, anyway? You didn’t tell me anything about coming see me.”

“What can I do? I missed you, didn’t feel like waiting to see you, Saturday is fuckever away. I’ve come rescue you from your boring as hell life and give you the gift of spending the afternoon with little old me. Unless, of course, you happen to be busy. Wouldn’t want to fuck up your plans.”

Maybe Rick was busy and he’d tell Negan to fuck off, then tell him he couldn’t just assume his time was Negan’s to take, later on the phone. No such luck, though. Rick grinned up at him - fuck, he smiled so damn cute, how was that fair - and nodded. “I’m never busy for you.”

Andrea crossed her arms, humming and eyes narrowed in amusement. “I think it’s time I leave you alone then, huh?”

“Unless you wanna tag along?”

“No, thank you. Your biker looks like he wants to eat you, I’d rather spare us all the awkward. See you tomorrow, Rick.”

She walked away, and then Rick’s hands were on Negan’s cheeks, dragging him down for a kiss that Negan eagerly hummed into and returned. Twenty minutes later, they were having coffee and talking about going watch a movie later on. Rick could spare a day of not touching his work, and he was more than willing, he said, no matter that Negan insisted he didn’t want to steal his time. When he changed tactics and said Rick should definitely drop work for him, feebly hoping to get on his nerves, Rick just said he was glad Negan agreed.

So no embarrassed Rick, Negan got introduced to one of Rick’s friends, and they had a movie date ready. Oh well, Negan could always try next time, it wasn’t that big of a problem.

( _ Lies. _ )

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

“But I  _ did _ read The Lord of the Rings, and I’m telling you that it’s damn un-fucking-bearable. I wanted to murder myself by page 50, it’s just so… God. It’s so slow, I don’t need every single detail about every single thing. There’s only so much I can take before I need some plot.”

“That’s because you have no patience. Lord of the Rings is a good story. Not the most dynamic or complex one, I’ll give you that, but you gotta appreciate the worldbuilding. And it’s not even the heaviest one, the Silmarillion is worse in that sense, but it’s still good. The movies are alright, but they’re lacking a lot.”

“Whatever. The book’s still boring as fuck.”

“And it’s still pretty good.”

“Alright, and what do you say about Blade Runner? There’s no way the book is better.”

“You know, I’m actually surprised that you’ve read ‘Do androids dream of electric sheep?’”

“The fuck are you talking about? Is that how the book is called? It doesn’t even sound like it.”

“... You haven’t. Of course.”   


“Whatever. The movie gotta be better, yes or fuck yes, no third option. Also, Harrison Ford is fucking fuckable in it, and so is Sean Young.”

“You know what? I actually kinda agree with you on this one. But then again, they’re different stories. The movie takes the book as a loose inspiration, but it’s mostly its own thing, so the different titles make sense like that. Yeah, Blade Runner is better, but they can’t really be compared in that sense.”

“You know what, Rick? You’re a nerd. A huge, huge nerd.”

“You don’t get to tell me that when you’re the one who watches five movies a week, Negan.”

What had started as a jab at Rick’s tastes to get under his skin had ended up in them bickering as they walked down the street, somewhere between annoyed and laughing as they poked at each other in the sides.

Negan was shaking Rick’s head to try to put some sense into it and Rick was swatting his hand away, sticking his tongue out and getting it shoved back into his mouth with a kiss, when they bumped into someone. Negan was about to tell whoever it was to fuck the hell off, but then decided to take a look at whoever it was before doing so, and he was met with Dwight’s less than amused face.

Negan quickly looked at Rick, then back at Dwight, and paled. Fuck.

Rick was eyeing Dwight with a certain degree of cautiousness, but seemed relaxed and natural enough, while Dwight was just giving Negan a half-hearted glare with a raised eyebrow. Sherry was with Dwight, and before anyone else decided to break the awkward silence, she stepped ahead and offered her hand with a smile.

“Negan! It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

Negan felt himself relax just a itty-bitty bit and smiled back at her, shaking her hand. “Sherry. It’s good to see you.”

“Likewise. And who are you?”

“This is Rick. He’s my boyfriend. Fucking gorgeous piece of art, isn’t he?”

Sherry smiled at Rick and offered him her hand, commenting something about having heard his name some time or another. Rick was still eyeing Dwight, but finding mostly disinterest and no hostility, he just gave Negan an imperceptible shrug before returning Sherry’s smile and taking her hand.

They dissolved into a bit of casual, friendly chatter, which Negan might not have tuned out if it wasn’t Dwight in front of him. He didn’t think the guy was gonna be enough of an ass to say shit Negan didn’t want said, but still, he really wanted to say ‘nice to see you, now get lost’ as soon as possible and leave him behind. Which is why when Sherry proposed they go have some drinks together to talk for a while and Rick said he’d like that before Negan had a chance to deny the very possibility, he had no choice but to groan internally, smile externally, and glare the fucking armageddon at Dwight as they followed their respective partners.

And now he was sitting down, with a half-empty beer in his hand, Rick at his side, Dwight and Sherry in front of them, and with the nagging feeling that Dwight was gonna be a little fucking bitch any second now. He brought his beer to his lips, downed what was left in one go, and went back to being the loud big kid he was before Rick could start noticing something weird in him. Some comments, some laughs, and then he was getting his phone. Something about Simon, he said as he clicked Dwight in his texts.

**_‘if u say something i s2g imma make u regret being born’_ **

Dwight at least had enough brainpower to give it a couple minutes before typing back a reply, chatting casually meanwhile. He was even being friendly to Rick, maybe trying to make up for having come across as not so nice the last time.

_ ‘that’s such a great way to make me not want to fuck you over. go ahead with the threats, go ahead’ _

Negan groaned weakly, told Rick that Simon was being an ass when he asked and kissed his forehead, giving a pointed but discreet look at Dwight after saying so.

**_‘cmon dwighty boy coopeare with me on this ok? im just asking a little favor is all, all u gotta do is stay quiet and nice’_ **

_ ‘you know, you haven’t been all that nice to me lately. I remember quite a few insults flying around’ _

Negan was gonna fucking kill Dwight, for fuck’s sake.

That’s what he told himself, but when ten minutes later, both Rick and Sherry left to go get some more drinks, instead of grabbing Dwight by the shirt and threatening him like he usually would, Negan found himself half-lying on the table, hands clasped together under his chin and sending a look of utter pain and desperation up at Dwight.

“Pretty please.”

“No.”

“Pretty Plee _ eeee _ ease!”

“Nah, I don’t think so.”

“C’mon, Dwight! I know how we roll, we fuck each other a lot, but never serious! It’s gonna be real bad for me if you tell him anything. I’m working on it, I pinky damn swear I am. I just want good stuff for him, you don’t gotta warn him about anything. Believe me, please?”

Negan batted his eyelashes in the most innocent and harmless way he could muster, which probably wasn’t much, but it didn’t hurt to try. Dwight held Negan’s gaze for a long moment, before he snorted and shook his head.

“You know, it’s funny seeing you beg like this.”

“I can beg all you want, please just don’t tell Rick anything that will fuck him up.”

Dwight considered it for a moment longer. “Alright. But say pretty please one more time.”

Negan’s pride didn’t go out of that bar unscathed, buy hey, Negan thought it was worth it.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Rick wasn’t drunk, per se. Drunk would mean that Rick was either loudly laughing, or crying about undone shoelaces or something alike, or falling asleep on the elevator, or ready to fight every person and every inanimate item that came into his vision field. No, Rick wasn’t drunk. He simply had enough in him for Negan to consider that he definitely should go home with him to make sure he got there alright, just in case. Rick was giggling at stuff that would normally just make him smile slightly, and he was kissing all over Negan’s face and cheeks, but he seemed alright enough, really.

Maybe Negan just wanted to spend a little more time with him before leaving him.

Currently they were at the door of Rick’s apartment, and Negan was looking through Rick’s pockets for the key, because the man had decided he really wanted to have a makeout session right there on the hallway, coaxing Negan’s face towards him to gently brush their lips together before Negan smiled and went back to searching.

“I’m not drunk, Negan. I promise” Rick assured as he walked into his apartment, turning the light on. Negan put his hands on his hips and raised an eyebrow, crooked smile on his lips.

“I think I’m gonna allow myself to call bullshit, babe.”

“I’m not! I’m just…” Rick gesticulated vaguely. “Loose. A bit more cheery and affectionate than usual, is all. I really do wanna kiss you all the time, y’know, but most of the time I give myself a limit.”

“I know” Negan replied, gentle smile in his eyes. He closed them and sighed. That shouldn’t be flattering, not anymore. It should be worrying. Rick should be loving Negan less and less, because he needed to stop loving him at all, for his own sake. Negan should stop encouraging him. He should leave.

He walked into the living room instead, where Rick was already sitting down on the couch. He scooted aside and Negan let his weigh fall down beside him, and immediately he had a lapful of Rick, who kissed him once before draping his arms around him and burying his head under Negan’s chin.

“Shit, baby. You’re clingy, huh?” Negan’s voice was soft, quiet, soothing, afraid to bother Rick. He felt Rick nod against his neck.

“Don’t want you to go.”

“C’mon, Rick. You keep saying shit like that, my ego’s gonna burst. You know it doesn’t need any more feeding.”

“Nah, it doesn’t. But I can’t help myself, y’know?”

Silence followed for a few minutes, with Negan rubbing absently along Rick’s back and having the sensation that Rick was gonna fall asleep on him any moment now. Tempting as it was - because what could be more endearing than Rick asleep on top of his boyfriend? - Negan had to leave in a while, so he found an excuse. He gently pushed a complaining Rick aside and leaned forward, eyes falling on a book on the table. It was open, with lots of pencil notes on the edges and between the lines, and with some sheets of paper around it with similar notes. Negan hummed, curious, and looked at the cover. Immediately he grinned wide.

“It’s the book I gave you.”

He looked over at Rick, who wasn’t complaining or sleepy anymore. Instead, he seemed some combination of cheery and shy. He nodded, reached out, and Negan placed the book on his hands.

“Yeah, I’ve been reading it and working on it. See the notes? I’m trying to find out patterns. You can’t have too many stories from every place in a single book, but these are some of the most widespread and remarkable in a lot of places, and I’m seeing what I can get from them, what’s common to tales from certain regions and cultures and what patterns show up as a common factor to bigger areas, or all of them. It keeps me entertained on my free time, you know?”

“You do this for fun?” Negan asked, mouth hanging slightly open and eyes taking Rick’s face in with amazement. Rick tilted his head and smiled, blushing. “Not for work or something like that?”

“I mean, partly? But it’s mostly for my own enjoyment, see what I can find out on my own. When I’m done I guess I’ll see if I can find some other stories and find out if they bring something new, then I suppose I will compare it with similar studies, see what I got right and what not. If I think it’s solid enough, or I’m onto something, I might try to publish some article about it. But for the time being, I just enjoy it.”

_ You’re amazing _ , Negan wanted to say, and it was a sigh away from coming out of his lips, when he decided not to. Still, he took the book back from Rick’s hands and started looking through it. There were sections full of notes, alternated with blank ones where Rick’s interest hadn’t driven him to yet. He eyed both Rick’s and the book’s words, while the other stayed beside him, leaning on him and occasionally kissing either Negan’s cheek or neck.

Negan found himself more relaxed than in what felt like years. He could get used to this. He really could.

He pointed to the few papers lying on the table, that he couldn’t reach without getting Rick off of him. Something in him was just too opposed to the idea. “What are those? The same?”

“Oh.” Rick was now blushing, maybe harder than Negan had seen him all day, and he looked down. Negan kinda wanted to rush the answer out of him, but he waited for him to speak for himself. “Yeah, just more notes.”

“Rick, don’t give me that. You just became a tomato, those are not just notes.”

“Yeah. Right. You’re right. It’s just…” Rick rubbed his nape, laughing nervously and making shy eye contact with Negan. “Don’t laugh, alright?” Negan nodded. “I, er… Those  _ are _ notes too, really. Just other kind of notes. I spend all day reading, taking note of patterns, characters, settings, situations and plot points… It kinda gets inside you. I started wondering if I could do something like that, something that fit in, and I had some ideas that I wrote down. Then it, developed, I guess. Just a story to keep myself entertained when I’m on a break.”

Negan stayed silent for a moment.  _ Tell him that’s fucking nerdy _ , a part of him said,  _ tell him that’s fucking lame, don’t forget the ‘fucking’, tell him you think he’s stupid, make him think you think nothing of this. Don’t let him know you can’t stop thinking about how he clearly loves this and that makes you happy. Don’t. _

“Can I read it?”

Rick’s smile could have light up the whole town. “If you want to?”

“Damn, Rick. Of course I do.”

It was just a pile of loose ideas, vague plots and descriptions of characters and a handful paragraphs, some on their own and some together. It was just a sketch of something bigger, but Negan felt the taste of something that was gonna be greater than he could picture at the moment. He also felt that maybe he had that impression because he’d gotten much more attached to the author than he’d planned to. He thought too good of Rick.

Rick asked him to spend the night. Negan said yes, but only for sleeping. Rick nodded, and Negan slept curled up beside Rick, light layers of clothes giving the whole thing a safety that would most definitely have been violated otherwise. Rick fell asleep fast, his breathing warm and constant on Negan’s cheek.

Negan told himself he still wanted to be awful to Rick, later on. He knew those were lies.


	8. Loud smooches

Negan smiled absently at the paper when he realized what his hand had been doing on it. Once he was done with his morning exercise and following shower, he’d sat down with a notebook and a pen, writing down what he needed to get on his weekly grocery trip. It hadn’t been long before his mind started wandering away on its own, as it usually did when he did anything that required him to be still for more than a few minutes. He came back to reality to find that his hand had been working on its own while his brain took the break, and now he was met with some lines he remembered particularly clearly from Rick’s story, looking back at him from within the paper. He bit down on his lip, trying to figure out why they didn’t feel quite as solid as they had when he first read them. Beside them were some sketches of what Negan’s admittedly pretty limited artistic abilities allowed him to show what he imagined the characters to look like.

His eyes went through the lines of blue ink, feeling kinda frustrated that it wasn’t as good as he felt it deserved to be, but mostly amused by what his subconscious had been doing. No surprise; Rick’s work had been rolling around in his head quite often the last few days. Thinking of it made his belly tingle warm and soft. He chuckled, took out his phone and snapped a quick picture, immediately ready to send it to Rick. When he was one tap away from doing just that, though, his smile faltered and fell down, and then he was clicking back to the home screen.

Negan huffed, ran his hand through his hair, and rested his face on his fist as he looked at the former shopping list with a petulant scowl, as if he was trying to figure out what exactly made it not want to cooperate with Negan’s cosmic plan. One, two, three moments later, and a smile was breaking through his scowl again, a hint of laughter - a goddamn  _ giggle _ \- menacing to escape out of his lips.

Alright, so he wasn’t going to be nearly nasty enough to Rick, that was more than clear. He didn’t have it in him anymore. Rick had dug too deep into him and now Negan was too fond of the guy for that. He liked Rick, he genuinely liked Rick, he could admit that now. In what sense, or to what degree, now that was a different matter, and Negan was gonna nope the fuck out of examining it. It was what it was and there was no need to get worked up about it.

So as things were, Rick’s mere existence endeared Negan too much for him to be able to push the man away. And still he needed to get Rick to leave him for his own sake. Mmmmm, tough business. But Negan knew just the way to go around it like the magnificent, brilliant bastard he was. After all, it had worked just fine with Sasha when Negan neither was doing it consciously, nor wanted it to happen at all. If he applied himself to it, it’d be a walk in the park. It was what he did best, after all.

He couldn’t get under Rick’s skin, no. But what about his friends? Being less than a gentleman to them and making Rick snap at him like that? Now that Negan could most certainly damn brilliantly do. Rick was good, and he was a loyal friend. If he saw Negan antagonizing people he gave a shit about, he was gonna talk up in no time. Negan patted himself on the back for his brilliant thinking. He’d get a few laughs out of it in the process, too. It was perfect.

Rick would be angry at him for it, though. Now that wasn’t nearly as cool, and it made Negan’s expression fall down. He bit the inside of his cheek, rolling it between his teeth. He could probably still manage to be on good terms after the breakup? He wouldn’t do the whole thing intense enough to make Rick want to have nothing to do with him at all. But then maybe he wouldn’t do the trick good enou-

Nope. Not going there. Negan had to be sure of what he was doing, he reminded himself. He  _ was _ going to get Rick to break up with him, and he  _ was _ going to still be his friend afterwards. He was too fond of Rick for anything else, he hadn’t changed his mind about that.

He nodded, sure of himself and satisfied with his new plan. Now all he had to do was wait for a chance to put it to work.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

The chance to put it to work for the first time came only a couple days later, which Negan considered a sign from above that he was on the right path. For the last couple weeks, his one-time choice of waiting for Rick when he came out of work had become a habit, first one day, then next day he changed it to ‘whenever I feel like it’. More often than not, Rick was engaged in conversation with that Andrea girl, and more often than not, Rick asked her if she wanted to hang out with them for a while, from under Negan’s arms and kisses.

Up until now, Andrea had always made a mock gag face when Rick asked and promptly answered that they all would rather she didn’t - which, to be fair, was true in Negan’s case. He did bring up his kissy-kissy face abilities in those moments, just so he could make sure he got some time alone with his boyfriend. He couldn’t help himself, and as usual, refused to read deeper into it. Not this week, however; Rick asked, and instead of her usual answer, Andrea inspected Rick’s cheerful face for a long moment, while he was unable to stay serious when under the siege of Negan’s affections.

“Alright” she finally nodded, grin wide on her face. “But you gotta buy me three jamocha shakes or no deal. Gonna need some sugar of my own to survive yours.”

“Deal” said Rick.

“No!” complained Negan at the same time, childish and petulant, while he wrapped his arms tighter around Rick and pouted at Andrea. “I’m gonna be extra sickening sweet just because you’re stealing my Rick time. I’m gonna make you fucking throw up.”

She gave him a smirk and a middle finger, and Rick poked him in the side, finally coaxing the laughter out of him, deep and resounding and coming from the core of him. Negan had never given much thought to his own laugh, but Rick had said more than once that he loved it, that it made him want to laugh too.

Negan laughed more often now, louder, deeper, just for Rick. Just so he could hear him laugh too, just because Rick had made him proud of something as silly as the way he laughed.

Negan wasn’t all that bothered by Andrea joining them for a while, but he did sulk for about ten minutes inside his own head that he had to share Rick’s usually undivided attention. She was friendly and funny enough, though, so he ended up just rolling along with it. Negan was a people person, after all. Some extra company was never gonna ruin anything for him.

Besides, embarrassing Rick by bringing the lovey-dovey-and-kinda-dirty to the maximum in front of Andrea was never gonna get old.

“Negan, stop it.” Rick squirmed, uselessly trying to push Negan away, while the other remained with his face pressed to Rick’s cheek and tickling him with his whiskers as he left obnoxiously loud kisses. Negan just hummed lightly and surrounded Rick with his arms, leaving one last, big, wet smooch on his cheek.

“No can do, darling. You’re just so goddamn sweet, I’m gonna fucking die if I don’t eat you up right now.”

“Beautiful. Gross. Beautifully gross” Andrea commented casually from the other side of the table where she was beginning her second jamocha, slurping loudly through the straw to compete with Negan’s kiss monster showcase. She brought out the straw, licking it clean and then using it to point at Negan. “You’re losing points, sir. Your badass looks can only make up for so much saccharine.”

“Oh, darling, fuck off” Negan replied easily, giving Andrea a middle finger that the woman wasted no time giving back.

“I’ll fuck off when you’re done paying for my shakes, mister leather fetish.”

Negan grinned. Andrea had about his levels of shame. He liked her.

Rick groaned and hid his face on his hands, immediately starting to massage his brows. “Can you two try to go a full minute without insulting one another?”

“Rick, it’s hardly my fault that your boyfriend doesn’t know how to tell apart public and private. I think he’s gonna shove his hands into your boxers or something like that, at this rate.”

“My, Andrea, looks like you’ve given this a little bit of thought, haven’t you? I mean, not that I blame you. I’m smoking hot and Rick’s ass is so fucking cute, I would be fantasizing too if I was you.”

“You’re gross. Rick, I thought you had more class than this” Andrea replied, grimacing. Negan winked and made as much of a flourish as he could manage while sitting at a table and having an arm invariably over Rick’s shoulders. Rick just groaned again.

“A minute, please? Just one? Or at least not so loud. The guys on that table over there are looking at us.” Simultaneously, Negan and Andrea turned to said table and gave them a smirk and a handwave. They rushed to return their attention to their own business and Rick sighed. “I swear, you’re exactly the same. It’s like having two teens who think they’re so damn funny but  _ they’re not _ .”

“I take offense on that statement” Andrea commented, back to loudly slurping. Negan nodded.

“Agree. I’m not like Andrea. We all know that my balls aren’t in my chest. Do you wanna check down there and see if they’re where they’re supposed to fucking be, Rick? Would worry the shit out of me if they weren’t, but you know, can’t check myself in public.”

Rick shoved Negan’s hand away when it landed over his own, and Negan retreated, grinning and sticking his tongue out. Rick rolled his eyes, but Negan could see that glitter in his eyes that usually meant ‘I’m amused but you’ll have to kill me before I admit it.’ Negan preened on his secret achievement.

Rick ran his hand through his hair and scratched his nape, directing his eyes to an immensely amused Andrea. “I have to say sorry. You’re not the same, he’s much grosser than you could ever be. Looks like I have a thing for public embarrassments” he added with a shrug, shooting Negan a mock-dry look. Negan laughed and considered which of his many charms he should bring up to cut short Rick’s refusal to let him continue his kissing.

Before he could, though, Andrea took the word. “That’s flattering, I guess. It would be kind of insulting if we were the same and you went for him only. Also means I’m far too classy to fit your type.”

“Hey, that’s not my type! It’s just something he happens to have and I have to deal with.”

Rick and Andrea quickly dissolved into some light-hearted back-and-forth, but Negan tuned it out. He was too busy going over Andrea’s words, brow slightly furrowed.

“For me only?” he asked out loud, interrupting the conversation. “The hell does that mean?”

Andrea smiled, something in it a bit less cheeky and a bit more shy than all the other smiles he’d seen on her face so far. She rested her arms on the table and her head on them, eyes tingling with mischief as she looked up at Negan.

“Top secret, Negan. This can’t leave this table, alright?”

“Only it’s not a secret. All our friends know, Negan, don’t sweat it.”

“Shut up, Rick, let me give this some mystery” Andrea chastised. “Let’s ignore that, alright? This is the part where you say ‘ignore what?’ and we smile knowingly. Whatever. Okay, see, the thing is that many, many years ago, when we were children who knew nothing of the world-”

“By that she means two years ago.”

“- I used to have a crush on Rick.”

There were two reactions in Negan in that moment. On the outside, his face froze a little bit and his amused grin dwindled down to about half of what it was a second before. Meanwhile, on the inside, his brain commented ‘I don’t blame you, girl’ as he hummed in interest. Now he’d found a way to get under someone’s skin without being too plain about it.

On a deeper level, the one he was still refusing to acknowledge, he decided he didn’t like Andrea so much anymore. Just for the next five minutes until that weird rush running through him died down, but there it was.

Negan’s arm around Rick held him tighter, bringing his boyfriend closer, and he gave Andrea a grin that was all sharp angles. “Well, sweetie, stand aside. He’s mine now.”

Negan firmly believed he had managed to give his voice just the right tone to make it sound like he was joking, with just enough intention to make it clear that he was not.

God, he really should have been an actor.

A moment of tense silence followed. Andrea blinked a couple times, and he felt Rick squirm under his arm in a not so pleasant way as before. Negan had finally managed to make him uncomfortable, he was sure of that, and he should be happy about it, but instead his victorious feeling of fake-alpha-manliness was quickly replaced by something thick and unpleasant on the back of his mouth and a hole in his stomach. He wanted Rick uncomfortable, he reminded himself, except he knew that was bullshit.

“But I’m willing to let you borrow him for a few hours if you promise to give me some interesting pics of it. Make them fucking worth it, Andrea.”

And just like that Andrea was laughing and Rick’s voice when he hissed Negan’s name had its usual tone of mixed embarrassment and fondness.

Negan grinned. No hole in his stomach now. That was good.

“Don’t worry about me, Negan” Andrea said once her giggles had died down. “I’m far over it, and we’re better off as friends anyway. His students, though…”

She left her sentence unfinished and immediately Rick went bright red. Negan’s eyebrows raised up to his hairline as he looked alternatively at both of them, grin spreading through his whole face. “Oh fuck, do you mean…?”

“He had three girls confessing to him last month, and two boys the one before.” Andrea laughed at Rick’s weak protest. “You wouldn’t believe how many visits he gets on his office.”

“Oh, you better believe me, I fucking would” Negan hummed, eyes traveling all over Rick’s face, from his bright cheeks, to the way he half-hid his face in one hand as he gave Negan an embarrassed look that nonetheless had the barest hint of flattery, to his blue, blue eyes that always showed so clearly how he was feeling, to the barest curve on his lips. He leaned in and placed a kiss on his cheek, without obnoxious sound effects this time. “Have you looked at him? He’s cute as a god-fucking-damn button. And I’ve heard him talk about shit he’s passionate about. I bet my left nut his whole damn class goes freaky deaky in the privacy of their rooms thinking of this hottie right here.”

“Let’s be realistic and leave it at half. You have to take the straight boys and the lesbians into account.”

“It’s not… It’s just a couple” Rick muttered into the collar of his shirt. Negan cooed and kissed his cheek again.

“Aw, baby, those punks are gonna get me all jealous and shit. Do I gotta mark my territory? Should I sign up to your classes? I bet having such a hottie in there would motivate you, wouldn’t it?”

Rick ran his hand through his hair, barely repressing his laughter. “Stop saying shit, Negan.”

“Oh-oh, I’ve been a fucking nasty boy, haven’t I, sir? I’m just too damn hot n’ bothered for a hot teach, can’t help my-fucking-self, you’re gonna have to punish me if you want the lesson to stick. Some spanks would work wonders, in my opinion.”

“Negan.”

“I mean it, though. I gotta mark my territory. Would coming into your class and making out with you in front of all these little fuckers make them learn?”

“Negan.”

“I mean, I don’t blame them. A man like this in a shirt and glasses on and in charge and talking about smart shit? No fucking wonder they’re horny. But still. They can watch, not touch. This ass belongs to me.”

Rick groaned yet again, Negan laughed one more time, and Andrea kept slurping as she watched them with a weird mix of interest and disgust.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

  
  


Negan was comfortably snuggled into Rick’s bed, lying on his back, while Rick did the same beside him, on his stomach, alternatively reading a book and typing away on his phone, with Negan’s hand absently going up and down his back. Rick’s warmth pressed on his side made Negan relax, let out any tension that might be on his body, and his eyelids hung half-closed, their owner completely relaxed but not feeling like going to sleep just yet.

He’d already spent the night at Rick’s place, like this, a handful times. Intimate and comfortable, but with the safety of an undershirt and boxers still on to prevent Negan from engaging into something he knew he was gonna feel extremely guilty about, once this whole deal was over. But fuck if he didn’t want.

When Rick closed his book and put it and the phone on the nightstand, Negan thought they were gonna finally go to sleep, which would mean that his hard-on was gonna make an inconvenient guest appearance the moment he and Rick became a mess of tangled limbs. Negan was about to ask for a loan to get two turns of little spoon in a row, but he saw Rick supporting himself on his elbow, ready to speak.

“I’m gonna go hang out with my friends tomorrow” he informed after a little yawn. “The usual deal, you know, some food, some booze, maybe a movie. Wanna come along?”

“Depends. Who’s going? Anyone fun?”

“Glenn, Maggie, Michonne, Daryl and all those. Same as always. Andrea usually passes on these but she’s probably gonna tag along this time, too.”

Negan hummed and smiled. Those guys were a good lot, he liked them and they were fun enough, even taking pestering Rick out of the equation, for obvious reasons. He was sure he could have his own brand of fun without making himself too much of an ass in the process. It sounded good, and he hadn’t seen any of them in quite a while. Yeah, it’d been a while. Not since...

“Rick” Negan asked with the most casual tone, the usual strength of his voice coming down a bit and sounding kind of unsure for a moment, “do you know if Sasha’s gonna be there? Running into my ex who happens to be one of your best friends, might be an awkward deal. Specially for me.”

Rick gave him a look of sympathy. “She’s gonna be there, but if it helps, she said she’s gonna be busy so she’ll come a couple hours late. Does that work for you?”

Negan rolled his lower lip between his teeth, on the border of causing himself pain. He looked down, then at Rick, then down again when he didn’t find any magical answer on Rick’s face. How was he gonna act if he saw Sasha? Most importantly, did he want to see Sasha? More than anyone else, at least? He honestly didn’t know the answer.

He shook the doubt out of his head and flopped onto his side, mimicking Rick’s position so they were face to face.

“I don’t think I want to go, Rick. No offense, but I honestly would rather have a lazy day. My students at the gym have me fucking beaten down, I’m kind of sore everywhere. I don’t think anyone’s all that eager to see me either, let’s have some fucking honesty here. I’m just the sonuvabitch who says crass shit all the time, and I’m probably gonna prove them ri-”

Negan stopped short when Rick put a hand flat against his chest, light but apparently all-powerful. Rick tilted his head, curls gently bouncing around - Negan felt the sudden urge to play with them - and smiled.

“Negan, it’s alright. You don’t want to go, I get it, no need to justify yourself.”

“But you’d like me to go.”

Rick shrugged, a slightly too casual gesture. “I mean, I’d  _ like _ you to. They’re my friends, after all, and I’d like seeing you get along with them like you did before, and I like spending time with you. But I get it, it’d be pretty awkward.”

Negan hummed, a smile on his face that was small but expressive, and slowly wrapped his arms around Rick’s torso, pulling him in, chest flat against chest and Rick’s arms wrapping around Negan’s body too. He nuzzled Rick’s cheek.

“Aren’t you just sweet as nutella?”

“As nutella?”

“Don’t laugh, bitch. That shit’s good. It’s an amazing compliment.”

Negan smiled fondly as Rick continued chuckling to himself. When Rick calmed down, he kissed his cheek lightly and went back to looking into his eyes.

“If you want to spend time with me, how about you drop that and come out on a date with me instead? It’ll be good, got my word. Will come up with something nice and fun just for my nutella boy.”

Rick’s smile faltered for a moment and then melted down into a small scowl. He started absently rubbing on Negan’s shoulder. Circle, circle, squeeze, circle, squeeze, start again.

“I can’t do that, Negan. It’s been a while since the last time we met like this. I really wanna go.”

“C’mon, baby! You see them basically every damn day! You’re always texting them, too.”

“It’s not the same as meeting them all together” Rick complained lightly, wrinkling his nose. “I really like spending time with them. They’re my family.”

“Wow, that was corny.” Rick poked Negan’s cheek as punishment and Negan kissed his finger. “You have fun with me too, Rick! I’m the most fun guy on this damn planet and you know it. I’m sure you’ll have another chance, skip it just this time, for me. Please?”

Negan batted his eyelashes and pouted, lower lip sticking out to a comic degree. He saw Rick licking his lips, moving his jaw around a bit as he thought, and in the end, he sighed and buried his face on Negan’s neck.

“Just this once, alright? And you make it worth it.”

“You know I will, babe.”

Now, Negan knew exactly what he had just done. He’d pulled the ‘choose between your friends and me’ dick move, and for once, his dick move had actually worked, and Rick wouldn’t take long realizing it, if he wasn’t aware of it already. He allowed himself a self-satisfied smirk for his victory, wondering if his plan was finally gonna start rolling around the way he wanted it to - and if part of the rush of euphory he felt was genuinely because Rick had actually chosen to spend time with him rather than his friends, then that was yet another thing that he was gonna shove into the ‘I don’t wanna examine this’ drawer.

It was getting pretty full. Soon he wouldn’t be able to close it anymore. But that hadn’t happened yet.

And yet, there was this thing in Rick’s voice, this hint of resignation, that Negan still couldn’t shove off his mind, minutes later, when he was trying to sleep, arm thrown around Rick’s shoulders and Rick’s arm curled around his chest, both of them pressed close together, Rick’s breathing making him rise and fall against Negan’s body. Negan didn’t like that sound in Rick’s voice, and he absolutely fucking hated with all his guts that he’d been the one to put it there.

_ Don’t ruin this, _ he told himself.

_ You’re not my goddamn boss, _ he replied.

“Let’s say I tag along with you to see your friends, and the moment Sasha arrives, I stay five more minutes for manners’ sake and then fuck the fuck out of there.”

Within a moment, Rick’s face was in front of his, chin resting on his chest as he gave Negan a quick kiss that had Negan whimpering when it disappeared before he had any chance to deepen it.

“Negan, you’re the best.”

“Don’t gotta say it twice, darling, I already know.”

“If you really get uncomfortable, I won’t ask you to come again. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“Oh, that promise sounds pretty damn interesting” Negan rumbled, a deep chuckle resounding out of his chest right under where Rick was resting. One of his hands sneaked down Rick’s back, swiftly got under his boxers and came into contact with the firm, warm skin of his ass. He squeezed a cheek at the same time he laughed. Rick squealed and that made Negan laugh louder.

“Negan!”

“I’m thinking of that hot as all hell video you sent me, Rick. What do you say, want to make up to me that way?”

Rick buried his face on Negan’s neck, and even then Negan could see his blush. “I can’t believe I actually did that.”

“Oh, I assure you, you most certainly did.” Negan laughed once again, kissed the top of Rick’s head, and rolled over so they were on their sides. He put his hand on Rick’s nape, tucking his head under his chin. “No shame, Rick, no shame. Let’s sleep now, huh?”

Rick made a mildly embarrassed sound that felt like it was some sort of agreement with him. Negan fell asleep with a smile on his lips.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

_ ‘hey Negan, do you mind if we cancel our date next saturday? I can’t go. sorry’ _

Negan read the text yet again, and yet again, he wasn’t completely sure he understood it. Alright, one more go, it might make sense this time… Nope. Not at all.

Rick was hung up over him, that was a scientifically proven fact that had been corroborated over and over again. He didn’t pass on any chance to spend time with Negan, he just didn’t. Negan hesitated briefly before typing his answer

**_‘sure whatever suits u’_ **

**_‘why tho’_ **

**_‘are u angry or somthin’_ **

_ ‘of course not. why would I be?’ _

_ ‘remember when I told you about Lori?’ _

It did ring a very faint bell in Negan’s mind. He frowned at his wall for about a full minute, tongue sticking out slightly in his effort, and then he said “Bingo!” aloud, for his forniture only to hear.

**_‘one or ur friends from back in hickland right?’_ **

_ ‘King County. it’s called King County’ _

_ ‘but yes, that’s her. she’s gonna be visiting Atlanta for a week and it’s been a long time since the last time we saw each other so we want to make the most of it. she arrives saturday so I’m gonna spend most of the day with her. sorry’ _

**_‘nah bby dont worry, just go have a good time okay? im a big kid, i can take care of myself’_ **

He was happy about that, Negan reasoned to himself as he set the phone aside and started searching for something on TV. Yeah, it was good. He’d wanted to tune down everything he and Rick had been doing, get Rick a bit more loose on his attachment. Telling Negan he was gonna spend time with a friend rather than him might be a chance to start encouraging that.

But when Saturday came, Rick spent most of the day without answering Negan’s semi-constant texts, and when Negan saw that, the hint of bitterness in his mouth became much more intense, to the point he couldn’t deny it.

It looked like Rick was pretty busy Sunday too, and he still didn’t pay as much attention to Negan’s texts as usual. He did text back more often on Monday, but still no plans to meet him other than an offer to introduce him to Lori. No time just for the two of them.

Negan had a bit of a jealous and kind of possessive streak, not to a creepy degree or to the point of making him want to isolate the people he dated, but he had it, he’d known that for a long time. He didn’t understand why the actual fuck it was showing up now.

But the more intense the bitter taste on his mouth became, the harder it was to keep denying it.


	9. Ace of spades

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is one week late, I'm sorry D: but to make up for it, I posted a few things this week, and this one is kinda extra long! Also I'm gonna be away for most of this week so I won't be able to write, so next week there will be no chapter either. After that, hopefully I can pick up the rhythm again for the last few chapters of this. That said, please go ahead and enjoy!

Negan’s smile was frozen and dead and so completely, utterly fake as he slid on the booth that it actually hurt his cheeks and for the briefest of moments, he actually felt concerned that someone was going to notice it. It was only for a second, though, and then his hypocrisy was back to its full potential.

_ ‘Hi, nice to meet you!’ ‘Hi, I’ve heard so much about you!’ ‘I was excited to get to know you!’  _ Or similar things. Negan hadn’t paid all that much attention to what she’d said, or to what he’d said, for that matter. He didn’t know if she was faking it - but she did seem friendly and nice enough, and for a moment, he actually felt bad that it was a big, nasty, stinking pile of shit on his part. He was very fucking much not happy to meet her. He wished he never met her. He wished Rick hadn’t spent pretty much the entirety of the last few days days with her, leaving Negan aside. He wished she was a state away, three, ten, on Argentina, on Europe, on China. As far away from the both of them as possible.

But she was here and so was Rick and he was smiling at her and Negan knew he cared about her and she cared about him and she was being friendly so Negan had no excuse not to be friendly too, so he swallowed that big ball of bitterness down and hoped the smile on his face had any sort of naturality to it. Not for her sake, of course. For Rick’s and for himself. Negan reminded himself of that by squeezing his hand on Rick’s shoulder - and fuck, he finally had Rick with him again. They hadn’t even been physically apart any longer than they had before, but knowing Rick’s attention wasn’t on him and him alone had made Negan so goddamn antsy. Now, sitting on the bar, with Rick at his side, Negan pressed him as close as he could and let the man’s presence ease into him and help him relax. It wasn’t as good as it could be if Rick’s attention wasn’t split between him and Lori, but it was enough. Enough to make the low-key anxiety Negan had felt these few days soothe down.

What did she have, anyway? Negan saw nothing special in her. No reason at all for Rick to be so goddamn fond of her. Really, his time would be so much better spent if he’d just pay attention to Negan like he’d been doing up to now.

Negan’s lips twisted imperceptibly and he swallowed down the sourness that covered every inch of his mouth, nostrils widening a bit. His fingers dug onto his knee and he bit the inside of his lips until he was just a bit of pressure away from tearing the blood out. But this time, the anger that made him do so wasn’t directed at Lori. Not all of it, anyway. Negan knew he wasn’t being objective and he sure as hell knew he wasn’t being fair. Rick had known Lori since he was a little, skinny preteen and he’d been close to her for years. Negan knew that if a friendship lasted that long it was because it was worth it. He understood why Rick would be happy to have her around, he really did, but then he saw the way Rick easily reached over the table to brush his fingers on Lori’s and he saw red.

_ Rick’s a physical kind of guy _ , he reminded himself.  _ It’s just a sign of closeness _ , he insisted, even as he went over the verge and made his lip bleed, only for himself to know while the other two thought him to be perfectly at ease.

“-egan, hey, Negan?”

Negan startled and blinkled repeatedly as he snapped back into reality. He turned to face Rick, who was giving him an arched eyebrow and a teasing smile. Negan frowned. “What?”

“I could ask you the same. You’ve been staring at nothing for a good while now.”

Negan felt the slightest hint of self-consciousness for just a second, but then he just shrugged it away and leaned to put a kiss on Rick’s temple, wrapping his arm tighter around the man’s shoulders. “I just missed you, baby. Was basking in the peace of mind you give me.”

“God, you’re so goddamn cheesy” Rick muttered, sounding mildly mocking but utterly unable to hide the silly smile that had risen up to his face. He leaned to quickly peck Negan, but before Negan had time to deepen the kiss, he moved back. Negan pouted and Rick just chuckled as he shook his head. “C’mon, don’t get too excited. Got a friend in here, remember?”

Oh yeah, right. Negan had actually forgotten about her for one blissed second in which everything was Rick. His mouth was again dry, but he managed to plaster a smile into it when he looked at Lori. He gave her just enough attention not to be rude - for Rick, do it for Rick… - and then he was back onto Rick.

“But babe, you know you drive me crazy!”

“And you know I’m excited for you two to meet! You can have all you want later.”

“Is that a promise?” Negan wriggled his eyebrows, Rick groaned, and Negan chuckled. He sighed internally and turned to Lori to inspect her. She was eyeing them, looking some mix between amused and awkward. Negan rolled his shoulders and leaned over the table, giving one look to Rick and then again to her. “Alright, I guess I can try. Shit, baby, it’s gonna be hard. I can never focus on shit if you’re around.”

“Make an effort!” Rick lightly swatted Negan’s shoulder before giving Lori an apologetic smile. “And well, this clown you see here is my boyfriend. Sorry beforehand for any sort of embarrassment he makes either of us go through. He’s barely started.”

“It’s alright” she assured, giving a less uncertain feel to her smile. She offered her hand to Negan with a polite smile despite having done so just a handful minutes earlier, and Negan rolled his eyes internally, limiting himself to mimicking the gesture on the outside. “You look like you’re fun. As long as you make sure Rick’s getting some fresh air and some laughs every now and then, you got my approval.”

Negan filled his chest and lightly patted it, using his other hand to draw Rick into him yet again. Rick bitched lightly trying to get away, but Negan laughed and pressed his closer. “Believe me, I’m every fucking thing he needs and more, all on my own. I’m gonna pass anyone’s approval like I was born for it.”

Rick finally shrugged free of Negan and scowled at him like an angry cat. When he stuck his tongue out at him, Negan didn’t hesitate for a second to go down to his childishness, and they only stopped when Lori’s soft laugh interrupted them.

“Rick, I don’t think I’ve seen you acting like this in years. You’re a kid again.”

“What can I say? When your boyfriend is an overgrown infant, it kind of rubs on you” Rick replied, easy and teasing. Negan blew him a kiss to let him know he happily embraced the insult. Lori’s smile grew.

“You do seem to have fun with him. That’s good. Your parents are going to be happy when I tell them you’re with someone who makes you relax.”

“Well, if they want to know, they could ask.”

“They do! You’re not the best with words, Rick, they say it’s like you don’t tell them anything at all. Your mom made me promise her five times I would give them a report on you.”

Rick and Lori quickly dissolved again into easy, teasing bantering, and Negan, again, was left out of the loop when his thoughts demanded his attention more than the conversation did. He narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips as he looked at them. So Lori was on familiar terms with Rick’s family. They had to be close. And sure, Rick had said he came from a small-ish town and had known her for a long time. Still, Negan couldn’t help thinking that he’d never known the family of any friend further than a passing hi-bye every now and then.

He narrowed his eyes further. Why was Lori so familiar with Rick’s family?

“Hey, you two. Are you exes or something?”

“Negan!”

Negan gave minimum attention to Rick’s mildly indignant cry and just focused on Lori’s mischievous smile. She played a bit with a strand of hair.

“You know, it’s fun you ask about that…”

Negan’s eyes widened. Out the corner of his eye he saw Rick quickly relaxing into a similarly amused expression, and in that moment, Negan very seriously considered how angry Rick would be at him if Negan went alpha male and marked his territory by getting rid of Rick’s clothes and blowing him right there in that very moment, and if it was worth it. Negan was reaching the decision that the best choice was to claim his man when Lori interrupted his thought train.

“You see, Rick had two best friends, me and Shane, and Shane and I got along too, not as good as with Rick, but we did. It was pretty much a movie childhood friends thing, but much less cheesy. Anyway, our parents and some friends had some bets going on. Most of them said Rick and I would end up together, the second most popular choice was Rick and Shane, and then, Shane and me. I remember my dad complaining I could make him earn fifty dollars from my mom if I asked Rick out. Never let me live it down.”

Oh. Negan felt himself relaxing and even smiling a little. Yeah, he guessed that could be slightly amusing. It all disappeared within a moment, however.

“None of it was right, then? Aren’t you and Shane together?”

_ Please be together so I can stop thinking you want to take my man. _

Lori shook her head with a laugh. “God, no. It would never work. My dad’s still saying I should ask Rick out.”

Negan regarded the smile Rick and Lori shared for a moment, and then he traced a smile of his own, a poor imitation of it that was far too sharp and full of fang. He leaned over, and even though he did his best effort to make it sound casual, his words made a part of his brain that wasn’t currently in charge cringe.

“Well, you’re gonna have to tell your daddy dearest that if you want Rick, you’re gonna have to get through me, and believe me, I don’t fucking go down easy.”

Negan backed his statement by reaffirming his grip on Rick, and he only barely remembered not to dig his fingers into Rick’s body hard enough to hurt him. Lori was very clearly thrown off her game, mouth falling open for a moment before she averted her eyes to awkwardly take a sip of her coke. Rick squirmed under his arm, not even chastising him, but Negan still made no effort to pass it as more of a joke than he already had, and he still didn’t consider giving an apology.

Lori spent a few moments using her straw to move the ices in her drink and make them clink against the glass and one another. “Well” she eventually said, slow and tentative, “for what it’s worth, I do not intend to get together with Rick.”

“Damn good choice” Negan hummed happily as he reached over for his beer. He winked at her over the glass. “I’m not moving from where I am, doll.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

_ Can you tell me what the hell that was? _ , was what Rick had hissed the moment he and Negan were alone. Which hadn’t been much later. Just a handful few more comments from Negan that they all pretended were in joking tone but they all knew were not, and it was enough for Rick and Lori both to come up with excuses to cut the meeting short.

Worst thing, Negan did feel bad about it all, once it was over. He just had to see Lori being quite unable to meet his eyes when she said goodbye for his stomach to start churning, and then when he turned to Rick and saw that he was both angry and disappointed, that made him feel genuinely bad. Still, all he’d given Rick as an answer was a cold smirk and kiss of the cheek.  _ Just making sure some shit is clear, baby _ , he’d answered. No fucking surprise Rick hadn’t answered any of his texts.

As Negan bit down on his lip, breaking the thin tissue that had healed over the wound he’d previously bit there just a few hours earlier, he checked the phone once again. Nothing. He had to give Rick at least until tomorrow, he knew that, but still the anxiety of looking and looking and seeing nothing from Rick kept gnawing at him. Negan forced himself to turn off the phone, rolled onto his back, and stared at the ceiling. A moment later, he laughed humorlessly to himself.

It felt so little ago that he’d purposefully kept Rick waiting and waiting for Negan to text back, just because he loved the idea of the little fucker worrying about what was going in Negan’s head. Look at him now.

Might as well fucking admit it, right?

Negan buried his face on his pillow and let out a long, low, pitiful whine. Even today, as he made those scathing remarks, a tiny part of him had, as usual, said that he was just pushing Rick away and, as usual, refused to consider any other possibility. But that was a big pile of bullshit, wasn’t it? He’d known that for quite a while now, and it was time to stop denying it. It was just gonna keep fucking him over.

He’d faked none of it. Nothing at all, not for a long time. He hadn’t faked any kiss, or any caress, or any sweet comment. If he’d backed off from being a jerk to Rick, it wasn’t out of pity, and if he’d been hostile to the people that were close to him, wanted to be the only one Rick paid attention to, it wasn’t anything he’d forced himself to do. It was that same old jealousy, it was the shittier parts of himself that he’d pushed aside to play perfect boyfriend and draw Rick in like a fly in a spider’s web. The parts that had been dormant during the honeymoon stage and were now coming out genuinely.

Because Negan cared for Rick. It had all gotten out of hand and he wanted Rick. Needed Rick, desired Rick, ached for Rick.

The very concept of it kept ringing in his mind again and again and Negan felt like his own mind was mocking him for having been played so damn hard at his own game. What had he thought? That he could just fool around with Rick’s heart and come out unscathed? He’d been so damn idiotic.

Negan groaned softly. Any remaining part of him that still wanted to back off from this whole deal was being quickly crushed under his need to just hold Rick into his arms, whisper the words into his ear, make him feel loved and treasured and the most precious thing even made. He would, but he couldn’t, because Rick was currently pissed as hell at him.

A wry smirk made its way to his face. He may well be entering a relationship - genuinely entering it - and he started it with the guy in question pissed at him. How much of a fucking mess could he be?

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Rick replied to him the next morning; short texts only, but Negan could make do with that. He just needed to pester him with ten messages loaded of sad emojis, and that got him Rick agreeing to see him on his place.

Rick had never seen Negan’s place before, and now Negan was making his best effort to make it look like an actual house and not a flat-sized man cave that had never known the meaning of order. He put everything as nice and pretty as he possibly could, he cleaned for the first time in a month, and he started seriously doubting whether he had good decoration taste even though up to yesterday he’d always firmly believed he had a kickass house, underwear and shirts thrown through the living room aside.

Negan made a point to put his knife collection, the one from Rick in the center of it, in a clearly visible place, and the same with his baseball bat. He smiled at all of it, and then all he had left to do was wait.

Negan thought himself a pretty laid-back, always relaxed individual. Welp, looked like his latest epiphany had the sudden effect of making him give a shit for once, because as soon as he heard Rick at the door he was suddenly assaulted by worries that he was very sure hadn’t been there a moment before. For a brief moment he was paralyzed by the thought of Rick still being as pissed at him as he had been the day before, or Negan not managing to get him to forgive him, or even something as silly as Rick thinking Negan’s house sucked. But since Negan was Negan, he didn’t let that have a hold on him for more than a fraction of second. He put an easy smile on his face and opened the door, smiling relaxedly down at Rick on the other side.

“Hey there, baby.”

Rick took a moment to answer, eyes carefully going over Negan’s face. “Hello.”

Right, so still pissy. Negan cringed imperceptibly at the cutting tone of Rick’s voice and let some of his nervousness slip onto his smile, hoping it would look apologetic enough to earn some sympathy. He stepped back to let Rick in, and his boyfriend came into the house, expression quickly replaced by curiosity as he took in the place. Negan beamed when he saw Rick smile, eyes settled on the gifts he had given Negan. It did come down a bit when he faced Negan again, crossing his arms, but there was a softness in his eyes that Negan knew he wasn’t making up.

“So, huh…” Negan scratched the back of his head. “I kind of fucked up, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, I’d say you did.”

“Right, that’s fair. Look, Rick, I don’t want to just give some shit apology and then act like I never did it, but I want you to know why I did that. Look, my thing with relationships-”

“I know” Rick replied. “It’s alright, I understand.”

Negan blinked, perplexed. “You do?”

“I do” Rick confirmed. Negan frowned, confused. Rick most certainly didn’t. The hell was he talking about? “As I said, it’s alright. You’re just gonna have to do something about it.”

Negan quickly nodded and stepped towards Rick, cupping his face and giving him a quick handful of kisses that Rick didn’t pull away from. “Of course, baby, of fucking course. I’m gonna do anything you feel is a proper way to say sorry.”

He was going in for yet another kiss, but he was stopped by Rick’s hand on his chest. The smaller man shook his head.

“Not me, Negan. I mean, I did feel pretty uncomfortable last night, but I didn’t take the worst of it. Lori, one of the closest people I have, was going to meet my boyfriend I’ve talked wonders about and she meets a jerk who has it out for her. How do you think she feels?”

Negan squirmed under Rick’s stern expression, and he felt shame color his cheeks. He knew he’d been a piece of shit to a woman who’d done nothing to deserve it, and knowing he’d failed Rick when he’d been talking good about him? That was even worse. Negan swallowed thickly and nodded. “You want me to apologize to her?”

Rick nodded. “That would be good, yeah.”

Negan blinked, waiting for something more. It didn’t come. “That’s it?”

“You want more?” Rick asked, arching an eyebrow. “I can make you give me a feet massage, if you want. I spend a lot of hours standing up in class.”

A soft laugh bubbled out of Negan and he framed Rick’s body in his arms, resting his forehead on Rick’s and looking at him with sheer, pure devotion. “I’d love to, baby. You’re too good to me” he added a moment later, a soft, warm whisper. Rick’s lips turned upwards. Negan brushed their lips together, feeling a rush coming all through him from the touch, much more intense than any sort of sex could give him, and he felt like laughing again.

Instead, he stepped back, holding Rick’s hand in his own. “But if you want to, I can help you with the muscles. I work with this kind of stuff, remember? I can show you some fucking sweet things that will help you with those kinks.”

Rick suddenly didn’t look so cocky, and all Negan could do was laugh out loud as he pulled him closer. Rick squirmed under Negan’s hands as he guided his body.

“Negan, it’s been some time since the last time I did exercise.”

“C’mon, show me some guts. It’s just some stretching, not a fucking marathon. Here, let me… There you fucking go!”

“Negan, I’m gonna fall down!”

“Keep your balance, then, it’s not hard. Just look at a single point, it helps. Hey! Got you. Alright, here, lean on me…”

Rick’s hands clutched hard onto Negan’s shirt as he made his best effort to stand on one foot. Negan’s hands flew to Rick’s hips, keeping him in place, and he cooed softly. Rick glared, Negan swayed him a little, and Rick clung onto him for dear life. Negan chuckled and swayed him again, earning him Rick clinging yet again with a little whine, because every time he tried to set his foot onto the floor, Negan raised his own to stop him. For a while he kept with his little game, slowly giving it a pattern, a rhythm.

Negan wasn’t sure when he’d decided to let Rick stand on his own two feet, or when Rick had started swaying along with him, or why they did it at all. All he knew was that soon he and Rick were holding onto one another, firm but gentle, eyes closed and lips joined as their feet moved, danced to some silent melody that neither heard but both followed like there was nothing easier in the world.

Rick’s body was pressed against his own, his lips were soft and his tongue was sweet, his body warmth reached Negan’s soul. That was all he could think about. He just knew that this, what he had in his arms, felt right, and that he’d been a huge, huge fool for ever thinking he could throw it away like it was nothing. Negan’s eyes opened and he saw the light of the setting sun filtering through the windows and coloring Rick’s face golden. Next time he opened them, it was almost dark, and Negan’s faint surprise at how fast time had flied was nothing compared to the pure warmth rushing through him every second Rick was at his side.

They ended up sitting down on the floor, backs on the wall, hands stretched out to meet between them and looking at one another in the dimness of the room. Negan briefly considered lighting up a lamp, but he decided that it gave him some sense of intimacy that he wasn’t quite ready to give up.

He couldn’t see Rick clearly, just the rough shape of him. Maybe that was why Negan managed to gather the guts to try to be a nice guy for once. He looked away, despite the darkness making it unnecessary, and swallowed thickly.

“Rick, you’d be better off without me.”

Rick let out a low hum. “What are you talking about?”

“Exactly what I said. I’m shit, and you’re good, and you fucking believe me, it’s hard for me to say this right now, but you’re better off without me. You’re just too good for me. You could kick a pebble and find a better boyfriend than me under it.”

Rick didn’t answer at first, and Negan felt his heart clench at his silence. It all vanished as soon as Rick leaned to rest his head on Negan’s shoulder, making himself comfortable there.

“Negan, you forget that I know you.”

“You think you do, you mean” Negan replied with a dry snort. “You know what I’ve wanted you to know, and that’s it. I’ve kept shit hidden that you better believe me when I tell you it’s there.”

He felt Rick shaking his head on his shoulder, the man’s curls softly tickling the skin on his neck. “You see, Negan, that’s the thing” he started, low and soothed, like a low tide washing over Negan. “I see more than you think I do. I’m smart, and I’ve noticed those little things you do and think you cover up. Do I like them? No. Am I gonna leave you because of them? No. I don’t have to like everything about you to love you, I don’t have to approve of everything about you, and even if you weren’t good, which you are, I could love you. I’ve seen you slipping, trying to insult me, trying to be an ass to my friends, trying to make me choose between them and you, being a goddamn caveman and trying to piss on me when you think someone else is interested, and I love you. I don’t think I loved you at first, not really. I was just infatuated, but then I started seeing more of you, the real you, these things you have that slip away more than you let them out. I’m not blind to them, I want you to improve on them, but I accept them as part of you. Negan, you hear me? I love you, not an idea of you, I love you with your bad things included because that’s what love is about and I’m just right with you. I don’t need any better off.”

Negan’s breath was kind of caught in his throat. He didn’t say anything, just let a faint smile trace on his lips as he looked ahead. His arm snaked around Rick’s shoulders and brought him close, and he breathed deeply when Rick reached to kiss his cheek. Negan closed his eyes and leaned into it, chasing Rick’s lips with his skin even after Rick was back to his previous position. Negan’s cheek landed on Rick’s curls.

“Remember when I said I was mostly into guys?” he asked out of the blue. He felt Rick shift under him, pictured a confused frown on his face, and then Rick nodded. Negan chuckled weakly. “Remember when I mentioned Lucille?” What he felt this time was Rick going tense. He nodded again. Negan took a deep breath.

“I realized I was into guys when I was in college, and when it hit me, it hit me  _ hard _ . It was the only thing I could think about for a handful months, that dick is awesome and so is ass and it drove me fucking crazy. I wanted it all. I was on a fucking rainbow high. The problem? I wasn’t single. I had a girlfriend.  _ Girl _ friend. Which was kind of not what I had in my head at the moment. Sweet girl, Lucille, a year older than me, a treasure of a woman. She was fucking awesome, really. But at the moment I thought I was gay only and wanted to get out of it. Another problem? I’m a goddamn brat who can’t stand to give up on toys even if he doesn’t like to play with them anymore. The solution? Make her leave me.”

“I cheated, Rick. Cheated nonstop with every guy who was willing to suck my dick. First time she caught me she was completely crushed. I threw up afterwards, not gonna lie, I felt that bad about it. But she forgave me even when I didn’t ask to be forgiven and I went at it again. Happened a couple more times, still nothing, I think I started hating myself but I still didn’t have the goddamn guts to just be open about why I was doing the shit I was doing. The day she finally left me… Fuck, Rick, I’m never gonna forget the look on her face. I completely crushed any self-esteem she had, just ‘cause I’m a fucking piece of shit who makes shit complicated for the fuck of it. I hate cheating now, by the way. It honest-to-fuck makes me puke.”

“You know what’s funny? I had a kind of boyfriend when she left me, and he cheated on me next week. Fucking poetic, right? I had the nerve to be angry about it. Anyway, spent a few years with guys only, never serious shit, and then one morning I wake up hungover and I’m in bed with some chick and then it hit me, holy fuck, I’m bi and I just hadn’t had enough of a brain to tell apart being a horndog on a dick high from liking dick only. I mean, I guess I could say I tend to fuck guys more often that I fuck women, but that’s a shitty excuse for being a stubborn fuckhead about that. Hell, maybe I just wanted to break up with her and I fixed onto the first excuse I could find. But who knows what I could have been with Lucille? We might have gotten married for all I know. I just know I threw it to shit.”

“You know what? Every time I break up with someone, it’s my fault and my fault only. Not that I ever put any effort on it. Sasha was the first time in ten years, since Lucille, that I actually tried to have something steady with someone. And well, you know how that went. I was thinking maybe I’d gotten better and then I ruined it, it hit me pretty hard. I’m no relationship material, Rick. I fuck it up in the end, always.”

When he was done, Negan realized he was sort of breathless. He panted, feeling a thin layer of sweat on his temples. For a long moment, it was silent. Negan’s heart drummed hard and fast in his chest, waiting for any reaction from Rick, who now felt like he was a huge stone on his shoulder.

In the end, all he said was, “Wow.”

Negan let out a nervous, mirthless laugh. “I know, right? I told you, I’m shit.”

Rick let another moment of silence pass by. “Were. You were shit.”

Negan blinked repeatedly and angled his head to scowl at Rick the best he could. “Have you listened to what I just said? I broke my girlfriend’s heart over a goddamn sexuality crisis that I convinced myself I had, for fuck’s sake. You don’t get much lower than that.”   
  
Rick sat straighter up and nodded. “No arguing in there. That was very, very, very fucked up. I would have punched your teeth out, to be honest. But I’ve listened to you, and I think you sound like you regret it a lot.”

Negan snorted. “Not enough to try to be a good boyfriend for once in my life. Just wait for it, Rick, I’m going to fuck us up big time and I can’t do anything about it. Hell, maybe I’ve already done it” he added somberly to himself.

Rick ignored it and sighed. “You wanna hear what I think?” Negan hummed. Rick tapped his fingers on the floor. “I think you’re the way you are because you’re insecure.”

Negan had to spend a few moments processing that. He let out a short, incredulous laugh. “Rick, where did you get that from? I’m the most confident motherfucker ever. I love myself.”

“You do. But the thing is, I think you don’t think anyone else does” Rick said, and just like that, Negan found that he was unable to speak. “You said it earlier, you fuck up every relationship you have, and that’s because after that shit you did to Lucille, maybe you think you can’t have a true relationship, that people are just gonna see the shit and that’s it. You’re possessive and clingy because you think people are gonna leave, and at the same time, you don’t want people to see you deep down because you think if they do, they will leave as well. You want to keep them in a position where they don’t know you but they don’t leave you, until you decide it’s time for you to push them away before they do it on their own. I think you’re afraid of intimacy. Sasha told me that after all the time you were together, she didn’t really know you. It’s just now that I’m starting to know you, too.” Rick made a pause, then he shrugged. “But I didn’t study psychology. Maybe you’re just an ass.”

That had a surprised, booming laugh coming out of Negan, getting rid of the knot that was starting to be far too tight at the base of his throat. He partially rolled over before coming back. He hesitated to do it, because right now, he didn’t believe he deserved it, but he sent that to hell and and leaned over to kiss Rick’s head.

“Let’s go with insecure ass, alright? For my sake. Just until this all sinks in and you kick me out too.”

Negan detected a shine in Rick’s eyes, staring straight at him, even in the near-complete darkness of the room. “Negan, it was ten years ago, and you’ve rolled it over more than enough. You shouldn’t forget it, ever, but maybe you should try to leave it behind. Lucille, cheating, insecurities, and your sabotaging yourself.” Rick hesitated for a moment, and when he next spoke, his voice was sort of feeble. “You’ve opened up to me. Maybe that means something, right?”

Negan smiled. He couldn’t help himself, even if he was gonna need a night of sleep to wash off those memories and be back to be his usual big asshole self, who didn’t dig into his own shit and didn’t analize himself and thought himself worthy of having something good. Something like Rick. He was right. He’d said out loud shit that he’d spent years rolling in his head. Negan didn’t think he’d have ever said it to anyone else. No one else would have made him feel this light and relieved.

“I love you, Rick” he whispered, and his voice shaked with it. He did. So much.

Rick smiled and kissed him. “I know. Me too.”


	10. Not so sweet now

Negan licked his lips and sucked his teeth nervously when he was going into the bar. It was the same one in which, a couple days ago, he had fucked up and finally crossed the line into making Rick pissed off at him, and the bar in which he was gonna have to, despite some part of him still arguing vehemently against the very idea, defy his own nature and pride and say sorry, in the immediate future.

He huffed softly to himself. Sorry. Negan, apologizing. What a goddamn joke.

And still, it was only partly because of Rick’s request that he was gonna do it. God, he’d gotten soft.

Negan, as a rule, avoided apologizing. He was more than capable of it and had done it when the situation called for it, but still, it was something that left a bitter taste of wounded pride in the roof of his mouth. Not cool. He did the shit that he did, most of the time he didn’t regret it, and he wasn’t gonna insult himself by pretending he did. But this time he did regret it, to his own surprise. It usually took something bigger than a few poison-filled remarks for him to feel guilt. Inertia told him not to, his head told him to go ahead, and Negan was left in a strange place. He was a creature of habit, after all.

But he told Rick he would do it.  _ I love you _ . A faint smile brightened Negan’s lips. Those words were the ones that had obliterated any reservation he had. And hell, he wanted to be a better guy. Nothing like the guy he had hopelessly fallen in love with calling him out on his shit for Negan to decide that some decency would do good to his life. Might as well start by owning his shit here. No more turning a blind eye and pretending nothing ever happened until it all faded away in time.

Therefore, his smile when he saw Lori walk in accompanied by Rick was uncertain and apologetic, but it was genuine. Hers was sort of hesitant, and if Negan winced a bit at that, well, he didn’t show it. He’d earned that.

It was only a minute and a half of small talk later that Negan downed what was left of his coffee -more than half of it - in one go, nevermind the burn on his tongue and throat, and popped his lips as he planted his palms on the wood of the table.

“Well, no more beating around the fucking bush, huh? I owe you an apology. I was a damn ass the other day and that shit was uncalled for. So I would really like you to know that it deeply, weepingly weighs on my heart and will never let me be happy again unless I earn your forgiveness. Lori, may I be worthy of your forgiving grace?”

Lori blinked a couple times at him, but it wasn’t long before she cracked a smile and rolled her eyes, amused. Negan was grinning too, and even if Rick very pointedly elbowed Negan on the side, drawing an indignant yelp out of him, when he spoke Negan could hear the begrudging amusement in him as well.

“Negan, don’t be an ass. I know you’re the ‘do it properly or not at all’ type, so do me a favor and do just that.”

Negan playfully swatted him away with a mock-pout, but then the bullshit evaporated away and he sighed. Negan’s fingers drummed lightly on the borders of the table, while he sucked his teeth and momentarily avoided looking at anything but the empty parts of the table.

“Right, so… Look, I’m gonna try to be serious for once in my life, alright? I barely ever do it, so if I suck at it, please keep that in mind. Long story short, I’m not all as confident as I look, not all the time, not about everything. And this goddamn cutie right here?” Negan tilted his head towards Rick and spared him a fleeting smile. “I mean, have you looked at him? I know you have. No fucking wonder I’d be insecure about him. I mean, he’s a hell of a catch and I don’t have all that much behind my admittedly extremely alluring looks. But the point is, he’s a living wonder and then comes in his sweet, nice, attractive childhood friend who’s close to him, and… Well. Negan’s not-so-cool parts come to the surface.”

Negan planted his palms on the table again and looked up to see Lori giving him an assessing look. He held her gaze. “Not my place to act like I’m the only one with a right to be close to Rick. Not a good keep-your-boyfriend tactic to shittalk all his friends away, either, let’s be fucking honest here. So what I’m trying to say here is, I let jealousy get the shit of me and I was an ass to you, and that’s not fucking cool. I might not look like it, but I do mean it when I say sorry. Do you accept it, Lori?”

Negan held his breath for the short moment that went by between him being done and Lori nodding softly, an easy smile rising to her face. Negan let the breath out and grinned at Rick, who have him a proud look and a thumbs up.

In that moment Negan might or might not have preened like a puppy being told that he’s a good boy.

Lori rested her elbow on the table, and her chin on her palm, and gave him a lightly amused look. “Rick told me that much. That he suspected that was what was going on in your head, more or less, but it’s nice to have confirmation that’s the case. I take it that the two of you have had some chat about this?”

“That would be the case, yeah” Negan nodded, smiling at Rick and shifting just a little bit closer. Rick’s hand found his and Negan playfully squeezed in response to the squeeze Rick gave him. “Looks like I have the best boyfriend, huh? Grabbing my bullshit and turning it around to make me a little less shitty rather than just throwing it at my face and flipping me off. I’m a lucky one. Hope his friends can afford to be a bit understanding too. I’ll try to be better, I swear.”

Lori shrugged and shook her head. “Look, as long as Rick’s happy being with you and you don’t try to piss all over him the way you did the other day, it’s good with me. I’m willing to be friendly if you are as well.”

Under Rick’s approving eyes, Negan and Lori exchanged smiles and shook hands. This time, when conversation rose up, Negan made an effort not to be the asshole who just made rude comments, whenever he wasn’t ignoring it. Instead, he actually paid attention, and he made the most of his ability to make people laugh with anything that fled his lips.

He wanted to get along with Rick’s friends, and he wanted to do it right. He wanted Rick to feel comfortable when they were together, he wanted Rick’s friends not to groan internally when they saw him. He wanted to show Rick that being with him didn’t mean having to cut time with other people he cared about. He wanted Rick to have all, because as far as he was concerned, Rick deserved all.

He was going to have to make an effort and get in tune with Rick’s usual friends, and maybe it wasn’t gonna be so easy. Last time had been kind of pretty damn awkward, to say the very least. Negan was just there, lowkey sulking and not really trying to mix in with the guys he’d once had easy laughs with, even if they were frivolous and meaningless ones. Then, the moment Rick told him Sasha was going to arrive soon, Negan left a big kiss on his lips and promptly fucked the fuck off out of the place with only a half-assed goodbye wave to everyone else.

Alright, Negan might not be on the best ground with that right now, but fuck if he wasn’t gonna work on it. He was gonna get along with them again, maybe even better than before. And that included Sasha. Negan still felt a bit awkward thinking about interacting with her, but he was confident that his feelings for Rick had him grounded enough for him to get along with her fine. Not just for Rick’s sake, but for his own. Sasha was a badass woman, a damn fine one, she was a good friend of Rick, and Negan had nice memories of her. He really would like to be on friendly terms with her, awkward as the beginning was gonna be. Hell, it was gonna be awkward with everyone, Negan could tell, and not the kind of awkward Negan so easily rolled off his shoulders.

Yeah, so maybe it wasn’t something Negan was all that excited for, but hell, as he looked at Rick, laughing at something with his life-long friend while lovingly leaning onto Negan’s chest, the smile that tugged at his lips told him it was more than worth it.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Negan would have very much liked to continue riding the high of his acceptance of his feelings for Rick by spending even more time with the man in question, being all lovey-dovey, cringey and all that shit, this time allowing himself to fully enjoy it, no shit in the back of his mind trying to fuck it up. But alas, it was Lori’s last day in Atlanta before going back to Shithole in the middle of Nowhere, Georgia, and Rick wanted to spend the day with her before having to say goodbye. Not Negan’s cup of tea, but he’d understood it, accepted it, and just told Rick to have a good time with her.

He deserved a pat in the head when he had Rick to himself again. He was doing a good effort, if he may say so himself.

In any case, he could make the most out of it. It had been quite a while since the last time Negan met up with his own friends. It was partly because he’d never been as close to them as Rick was to his, at least not in the sense of seeing each other quite as often. And then there was the fact that for a considerable amount of time, Negan’s fixation on Rick had stopped him from feeling like having other social interactions. Negan chuckled lightly to himself when he thought about that; he’d been completely caught up in Rick since pretty much the beginning, he couldn’t understand how the hell it’d taken so long for him to realize how bad he had it for the guy.

Negan chuckled again, this time as he brought up his beer towards his lips and took a sip, rolling the liquid in his mouth and letting its bitterly pleasant taste cover his tongue. On one side he had Simon, saying something that Negan didn’t quite catch, but the others were chuckling, and Negan wasn’t one to be outdone, so he eagerly let out a booming laugh that covered all others and had his friend rolling his eyes in fond exasperation. There were some other guys around, but the one in front of Negan was Dwight, and he was the one his eyes went to, once his laughter died down.

He inspected attentively the man’s face. He hid it well enough, really, Negan could barely notice it, but there was a bitchface in there, making a light apparition sometimes when Dwight looked at Negan for a little bit too long only to then disappear. Negan traced a barely-there wry smile on his lips and, looking to his side to check that Simon’s attention was on someone else, he leaned forward and snapped his fingers to get Dwigh’s eyes on him.

“Hey, you. I think I might owe you a bit of an apology.”

Dwight’s eyebrows shot up. Negan waited, but no response came. He frowned and reached out to tap Dwight’s forehead.

“Anything in here, D?”

“You’re apologizing? You?”

Negan didn’t take offense to the exceptical, bewildered tone in the guy’s voice; instead, he wore it with pride. He smirked, showing all his teeth, and nodded. “Yup, that would be it. Better feel fucking honored about this. Are you fucking honored?”

All he got was a snort and an eyeroll. “Whatever you say. What exactly’s gotten into you, if I may know? Are you sick? Are you dying?”

The mischievousness fell down a bit from Negan’s face and he took on a softer expression, kind of chastised. He licked his lips, struggled with his words for a moment, and then went on. “Look, I was an ass to you and I just wanted you to know I wish I hadn’t been.”

Dwight’s face remained mostly blank. “That doesn’t really narrow anything down.”

“Rick” Negan added with a groan. “It’s about Rick. You were right, alright? I didn’t have any good intentions there and you were right when you called me out on my shit.”

“Big surprise. What exactly are you planning to do to him?”

“ _ Was _ ” Negan quickly corrected. “Was planning. Look, it’s sort of complicated because everything my head makes ends up being a fucking mess I barely even understand myself, but it’s better now. I’m good with him now, I swear, just wanna be a disgustingly sweet boyfriend come out of a movie to him. You don’t gotta worry about anything.”

Not that Dwight had worried much to begin with, beyond the most basic human decency, and Negan kind of wanted to bitch to him as to why he hadn’t put more of an effort on Rick’s wellbeing. But hey, just how much hypocrisy would there be in that? So instead of pulling a trademarked dick move, he did his damnedest to look earnest enough. He must have done a decent job of it, because a few moments later, Dwight’s scrutinizing eyes relaxed. A slight smirk appeared on his lips, so tiny Negan wasn’t even sure it was there at all.

“You know what? I think I’m going to believe you. Something about you saying sorry is very damn powerful.”

Negan smirked cheekily and a soft, warm chuckle bubbled out of him. “What can I say? Rick’s a good influence on me. Trying to be a better guy, get some of my shit together, you know?”

Right in that moment, Simon slided into the booth next to Negan again, arm settling over his shoulders and laughing. Dwight went back to his usual bitchface and excused himself to go order some more beer. Negan raised an eyebrow at Simon’s smirk.

“Tell me, big boy, have I heard the name ‘Rick’ whispered in secret around here?”

“Mmmmm, you tell me. Have you?”

Negan was unable to hide his smirk when thinking of Rick, and saw no reason for it. Simon’s eyes sparkled and he laughed, patting Negan in the back. “Ah, I definitely did. Tell me, how’s that going? Already got him to drop his panties for you? No, don’t answer, I know you have. When you planning to give him the kick?”

And now Negan’s expression soured, although Simon didn’t seem to notice, or care. He had made it more than clear that he hadn’t planned to go that far into humiliating Rick, even back at the very beginning. But he knew that Simon wouldn’t have been that far off in his measurement of Negan’s trashness, had he not changed his mind. The thought of him ever doing something like that to Rick had him feeling some bile in the back of his throat.

He didn’t want to think about it at all, didn’t feel like touching the subject even to correct Simon. 

He turned slightly, just enough not to see Simon’s face, and made a lazy gesture with his hand. “You know a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, and what am I but a fucking gentleman? All you need to know is that all of that is fucking over.”

“Good, good!” Simon laughed, patting him in the back. “Was sad to watch you waste all that time on that idiot. Could do much better things meanwhile. For example…”

Simon’s grin took on a lewd edge and he pointed somewhere to his left. Negan followed it with only a vague trace of interest and saw a guy Negan assumed had been eyeing him up, because now that he had Negan’s attention, he very pointedly winked at him and made a couple gestures that made it clear he wouldn’t mind sharing a few drinks and then meeting in the bathroom. Negan wouldn’t have minded, either, if this had happened a handful months back, because damn, the guy was fucking hot. Right now, though, he just looked away and finished his beer, immediately ordering another one.

“Nah, not interested. Go ahead, grab it if you want.”

“... Negan, are you sick?”

“I’m healthy and strong as a stallion. I just don’t feel like being a stallion right now.”

Negan didn’t know if he found more amusement or irritation in the genuinely concerned and perplexed look Simon was giving him. In the end, amusement won and he gave a dry chuckle, rolling his eyes.

“Why?”

“I just don’t, for fuck’s sake.”

“But  _ why _ ?”

“Full offense, Simon, but you’re too much of an asshole and a little bit too drunk to get it. It’d fly right over your head. I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

“But c’mon, look at him. He’s begging to suck your dick.”

Negan decided to tune it out by grabbing his phone and texting Rick while he half-heartedly bantered back and forth with his ass of a friend. Really, the guy could be stubborn when he’d had a few beers. Hopefully next one would knock him into the point of not being able to form coherent sentences. Until then, though, Negan had to deal with his, up to now, twentieth time insisting on it.

“Look, dude, you’ve been blue-balled with this whole Rick business for months. Just go have some fun!”

Negan set his phone on the table, stared straight ahead and took a sharp inhale, trying very hard to remember what he’d felt when he swore he was never going to punch one of his friends in the middle of a bar again, last time it happened. It was kinda hard. Massaging his brow, he gave Simon a side-stink eye.

“Let’s say I go over there and talk to him until this is over” he said, pointing to his half-full beer. “Just talk, because nothing else is gonna happen. Will you stop bitching then?”

Simon nodded and, with a grimace, Negan went over and sat down next to the guy. He took less than half a second to make it clear that he had no intention of showing him his dick, but the guy seemed to consider the threat void. Negan gave a wry smile, took a peek at Simon, who was giving him thumbs-up, and sighed as he sank onto the seat and downed half of what was left of his drink, only paying half-mind to his conversation with the guy.

In a way, it was ironic, Negan thought with a snort. At some point, he had considered doing just this so he could break up with Rick; getting some hottie under his arms, grind on them a bit, and be done with the whole deal. Strange how he was doing a teen-rather-than-adult-rated version of it, fake as it was, now that he didn’t want Rick gone. He took another sip. A bit more and he could go back to his seat.

Lucille. He’d gone through and done it to Lucille, time and time again. The thought made his stomach churn. Self-reflection and self-awareness were very fucking far from being Negan’s strongest points, but after his chat with Rick, he had enough rolling in his head to have a few clues. Not that he could read his ten-years-younger self’s mind when he could barely read his current one, but if he had to make a guess, he’d say he’d been afraid of how serious his relationship with Lucille was getting, and when he had a revelation about just how much could make his dick get fat, he jumped at the excuse. A bigoted excuse, for sure, and he got so much into it that he ended up forgetting that it was an excuse in the first place, but there it was.

Negan sighed. Who knew what he could have had with Lucille. Who knew what he would have lost, if he’d gone ahead and pushed Rick away. The thought of it made his heart squeeze painfully in his chest. And really, it had been squeezing painfully for a long time. Negan smirked wryly. The moment he realized he couldn’t bring himself to hurt Rick, he should have known he was already far too deep in.

Negan was back to where he wanted to be in a couple minutes, giving the guy a just half-apologetic look and patting his shoulder. He dropped into his seat with a happy sigh and raised an eyebrow at Simon, happy to see that the guy was moderately disappointed but willing to accept that Negan  _ really _ didn’t want to get his dick wet with a stranger. He smirked at him, unlocked his phone, and froze.

He might have punched Simon’s nose broken and rushed out of there just in time to avoid a punch. He might have called ten times, texted another twenty. He might be anxiously pacing on circles in the cold, dark street. Negan wasn’t really aware of what he was doing or what was happening around him.

His messages showed that he had sent a picture. There he was, Negan sitting in the bar, a hottie leaning on him and hand visibly aching to get acquaintanced with Negan’s body. Negan was taking a drink, and although Negan knew he had done it to get out of there faster and not to have to look at the guy more than necessary, all it made now was the awkward, uncomfortable expression in his face look like it wasn’t there at all. There was a text with it.

**_thought any of it was real? learn not to get between a man and pussy, you dumbshit_ **

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

**_rick please answer_ **

**_rick please_ **

**_let me talk to you_ **

**_babe_ **

**_baby_ **

**_its not what it looks like_ **

**_i did nothing i just sat there_ **

**_it was simon not me_ **

**_i mean the text was simon cause its me on the pic but its not what it looks like_ **

**_you know i would never say that_ **

**_please answer_ **

**_i can keep calling all night_ **

**_it all makes sense if you let me explain, i just wanna do it talking not over text_ **

**_cmon babe you gotta let me talk to you_ **

**_i love you why would i ever be interested in anyone else_ **

**_i know youre seeing these so why wont you answer_ **

_ [You are blocked from sending messages to this number.] _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say that I know I've had another regan story end up with Rick and Negan not together. Rest assured. This one has a good ending, I can promise you that. Still two chapters to go, after all ;)


	11. Heart to heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh. Hi  
> So. It's taken a bit of a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry, I didn't intend to leave such a gap between chapters and specially not after how the last one ended. All I can say in my defense is that I got hit by a block, a burnout, and my exam period. None of which are really over, to be honest, so I'm afraid I can't make any promises about next chapter. But I hope this one will make up for it. Really hope you enjoy it! <3

Dread sunk deeper and deeper into Negan’s gut with every step he took up, as if it was some sort of haunted house with something terrible waiting at the top rather than a perfectly normal block with perfectly normal people living in it and a perfectly wonderful, beautiful man living on the third floor. Negan tried to focus on that, focus on all the times his chest had felt light with an incoming laugh as he climbed those same steps. It was to no avail; all it was good for was marking the sharp difference between then and now.

He’d considered giving it more time before coming over, let Rick have a while to deal with it and possibly calm down; it’d gone out of his head before it was even properly settled in. The thought of doing nothing at all, staying away while Rick kept refusing to see any of his messages, thinking that Negan didn’t care about him, well, Negan just couldn’t stand the thought.  _ ‘Thought any of it was real? _ ’ was what Rick had seen. Negan felt sick. This was exactly what he’d wanted to begin with, and now that he had it against his will, he hated every second of it. He feared he might throw up right there on the steps if he thought of it for one more second.

He had come to see Rick, force him to listen to him, as soon as he’d woken up. That might have been later than he’d wished for. His stomach just kept churning and stopping him from falling asleep last night, and by the time he managed to fall asleep he felt as tired as if he’d run a marathon. Even now he felt tiredness make a slight but constant pressure right behind his eyes, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to find any rest until he did something about this.

He’d gone to pick Rick up after work, as he would have done any other day in which everything was okay, but after twenty minutes of nervous fidgeting, it was only Andrea that he saw walking out of the university. She said Rick had gone out another door and gone straight home. Negan had asked her if he’d said anything about him, and Andrea answered that Rick hadn’t said much of anything the whole morning.

Which probably wasn’t completely true. Andrea hadn’t been hostile or anything, but there was an edge on her voice and a calculating look on her eyes that let Negan know that, even if she didn’t know the exact reason, she did at least have an idea that Negan had fucked up with her friend big time.

So now here Negan was, on his second try to have some words with his - ex? - boyfriend. Rick must be up there, feeling humiliated, feeling pathetic, thinking that he hadn’t utterly won Negan over the moment he smiled at him a couple times, thinking that he hadn’t taken a firm, undeniable but gentle grasp on Negan’s heart that Negan didn’t want to get rid of. He must think Negan didn’t give a shit. He must be angry. In that moment, Negan had little hope to doubt that Rick hated him. The thought made his throat close and no matter how hard he inhaled, the oxygen just didn’t make its damn way towards his lungs. He felt like he was suffocating.

When some neighbor of Rick’s came out of her house and into the hallway, Negan realized he’d been still for a few minutes, forearm resting on the wall and eyes harshly fixed on the step right in front of him. She pointedly cleared her throat, and he gave a scornful sneer rather than an apology as he finished his way to the second floor to let her go down.

Negan bit his lower lip, ran his tongue over it, but soon he shook his head to get rid of any thoughts that would catch him like a spider web and stop him from going upwards. No amount of thinking about it was gonna do shit about the situation, so he better take actual action and go knock on Rick’s door. He didn’t stop again on his way up, even as he felt his heartbeat getting faster and harder on his chest and his ears. What if Rick refused to see him and had Negan waiting on his door until he gave up and went back home? Maybe he’d tell him to fuck off and then ignore him, or maybe he’d just stay completely silent. What if he wasn’t home at all? Maybe he’d gone to see some friend. Maybe he’d decided to spite Negan by doing what he thought Negan had done to him. For all he knew, Rick might be making out with someone else in that same moment, trying to get the memory of Negan’s touch forgotten under a new one.

The frantic whirlwind of anxieties that currently made up Negan’s mind came to a sudden halt only when he saw someone coming down the same steps he was going up. Negan’s breath hitched and his mouth went dry.

There, looking down at him with a expression of surprise that immediately morphed into anger and scorn, was Sasha.

“What are you doing here?” She was in front on Negan and jabbing a harsh finger into his chest before he had time to say anything. “You’ve already made your point clear. If you think I’m gonna let you rub it on his face you’re sorely mistaken.”

Usually it wouldn’t have mattered that much, because Negan had a decent enough shield of muscle built in for it not to bother him a lot, but Sasha had a way around herself to make the poking really annoying. Or maybe it was just the words that came along with it that were getting under his skin. Either way, Negan gave a low grunt and caught her hand in his, trying to get her to stop.

Sasha grimaced and freed her hand with a swift twist of her wrist that Negan had personally taught her, back when she was on his class. An edge of dry amusement colored his face, but it quickly disappeared. Sasha glared at him but she didn’t poke him again, crossing her arms and scowling instead.

“You had your fun, now leave him the hell alone. I should have warned him about something like this, but honestly, I didn’t see it coming at all. I knew you could be a jerk, but this? I thought you were better than playing someone like this, Negan, I really did. This is a new low. Were you always like this? Were you always this... Cruel? I’m not going to let you go in there to rub salt into the wound, so turn around and get out of here. You’ve done enough.”

“It was Simon, not me!” Negan growled, and he knew he had too much anger and hostility in it, because he knew that Sasha’s attitude and tone were more than understandable and he sort of wished that he’d managed to keep his voice more composed, but he couldn’t help it; her words were hitting too close and making parts of him talk far too loud. His nostrils widened, he took a deep breath, and seeing that she was giving him a chance to speak, he continued, more calmly this time. “I didn’t send him the message, it was him. Fuck, I’m in love with him, Sasha, I’m in fucking love and I mean it. This is just a damn big misunderstanding and I can’t fucking fix it until you let me go speak to him.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, pursed her lips, and Negan felt thoroughly, completely scrutinized under her gaze. He sort of felt the need to flinch away from it, but he didn’t, looking right back into her eyes and not as much as blinking. When she finally averted her eyes, he let out a breath that direly needed to go out.

“He’s showed me the message, Negan. Hardly seems like something someone could make up.”

“Alright, do you see me making out with the guy or touching him or any of that shit? No? That’s because it didn’t happen. I was just entertaining Simon because the fucker wouldn’t stop telling me I had to go and chat up the guy, and in the five minutes I was gone the little shit went and backstabbed me.” He could see that she wasn’t all that convinced, so he made a point of making his voice weaker, frailer, let some of the anxiousness he’d been feeling slip into it. He made a gesture towards her. “C’mon, Sash. You said it yourself, you know I’m better than this. I can be an ass, but taking it this far, for this long? That’s not me.” Her eyebrows furrowed in uncertainty. He pressed. “I care about Rick, and so do you. And I know you respect him as much as I do. Don’t you think he deserves a goddamn chance to decide on this for himself? Let me talk to him. If I really didn’t give a shit about him, I wouldn’t be here, would I? Please, Sasha. For old times’ sake?”

It was a long moment before Sasha’s expression softened a little bit, just enough for Negan to be able to tell it had happened at all. “If you tell him anything else than what you’ve told me, I’ll have your hide.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

“I  _ will _ know.”

“I know you will.”

“Please, don’t fuck this up.”

Sasha was already a few steps behind Negan when an idea crossed his mind. He turned around and reached to touch her shoulder. When she turned to give him a quizzical look, he smiled sheepishly.

“I wanted to say sorry. For not having been a good boyfriend. Messing with one of your friends like I did, well, shit, no wonder you dumped me. I was a very big ass about it, I can see that now. So, yeah, I wanted to apologize. Looks like it’s a theme for me lately, so I should make the most of it before I get on a jerk mood again.”

She gave him a weird look, but he could see, deep in her eyes, that she was pleased. “I’m not going back with you.”

“And I don’t want you to” Negan replied, shaking his head lightly. “I did, at first. Even for a few weeks after I started dating Rick I wished I could get you back with me. But I’m good where I’m now, I think. I like being with Rick.” He showed her a smile, hoping she saw the earnestness he was trying to put into it. “I don’t wanna get anything out of this, I just wanna apologize for the sake of it. You’re badass, Sasha, you deserve it.”

The look she gave him before nodding and continuing her way downstairs was eloquent enough to tell him she accepted it. It felt good, Negan realized, and he continued the rest of his way with a sense of self-satisfaction swelling inside him. It disappeared moments later, as soon as he stood in front of Rick’s door, though. All he could feel then was nervousness and anxiousness all over again.

He swallowed thickly and forced his muscles to move. Wasn’t gonna get anything by avoiding it. He raised his hand and knocked, slow but firm.

-0-o-0-o-0-

So damn pathetic.

That was pretty much everything that had been going on in Rick’s mind ever since he opened that fucking email last night.

He’d been chatting with Negan after seeing Lori off and getting back home, nonstop messages back and forth that had made him smile and feel warmth as if the man was right there beside him, body pressing to his. He didn’t worry when Negan stopped texting back; he was with his friends, after all, and Rick didn’t expect him to put all of his attention on Rick. Still, he had little else to do to keep himself entertained, so when he got a response a few minutes later, he jumped to open it, smile back on his face with full force.

That smile died down the second he saw what Negan had sent him.

For a few long moments all he registered was the picture. He stayed there, half-frozen, as his eyes went over it again and again, trying to make sense out of it. But again and again, the only conclusion he was able to come to was the same. He swallowed thickly and shook his head, as if he could deny himself what he was thinking. Maybe it was a picture of some time ago, from before Negan started going out with him, or maybe, maybe, maybe what? Surely Negan wasn’t…?

His eyes finally moved over to the text that came along with the picture, looking for some explanation that would put his mind to calm. He read  _ Thought any of it was real? _ and a pained, sharp inhale sounded on the dead silent room as he put the screen somewhere he couldn’t see it. Rick needed to get rid of the lump in his throat before he could bring himself to read the rest of it.

He didn’t have time for that, thought. It felt like it had been only a handful seconds before his phone started ringing, the picture now burned into his eyelids blessedly - or not? - replaced with Negan’s name on the Incoming call screen. Rick only considered the possibility of answering for a few seconds before something both terribly cold and insufferably hot rose up in his chest and made him reject the call.

The same happened with the next two calls. And then came the texts. Words that now felt so void, so fake, so cliché. Were they cliché, though? A part of Rick’s mind, the one that was trying to focus on something other than the sharp sting of anger, hurt and humiliation all mixed into one, wondered if he was just finding excuses to write it off. ‘It’s not what it looks like’ was about as cliché as cliché could be, but the ones about Simon, for example, not so much.

Before Rick could let that thought grow on his mind, it was interrupted by Negan’s fifth call in four minutes. He swept it away as easily as he did with Negan’s call.

It was only when Negan’s text pointed out that he was reading all the messages that he realized that was, in fact, true. That along with the overwhelming confusion that Negan’s message-after-messages were bombarding him with, there was a hope for some explanation that left him sighing in relief rather that biting back his anger. But he couldn’t get that explanation unless he let Negan talk to him. It was illogical. And Rick didn’t like to think of himself as an illogical man.

Therefore, he blocked Negan, and his phone finally went silent. The ringing in his ears died down and he was finally given the chance - finally forced to - to inspect his thoughts.

He would have called Negan himself in that moment, to run away from that, if he wasn’t afraid of meeting words that would make his wounded pride sink down even further.

-0-o-0-o-0-

He wasn’t really completely sure why it was Sasha he called to turn all the shit roaming in his head out to. Maybe it was because she was Negan’s ex too, and while he hadn’t fucked her over as much as he had done him - hell, it was because Negan hadn’t wanted to get away from her that he’d done this shit to Rick, he thought bitterly as the words flashed painfully clear in his mind - he guessed he could find a sort of sympathy from her that the others couldn’t offer despite their best intentions.

So maybe listening to her mumbling through gritted teeth that she was going to kill the motherfucker, once he’d shown her the text and the picture, put a misplaced smile on his face, but what was he to do? Feeling his friend’s support, aggressive as it came, helped clear the embarrassment that hadn’t stopped its assault on him since last night. Reluctant, dry amusement was a far more tempting choice.

What came next, though, now that wasn’t so fun.

“I should have seen this coming” she sighed, massaging her brow. “Should have put more effort into getting you to think this through. I’m sorry, Rick.”

He scowled in response. “Don’t do that, Sasha. It’s his fault and no one else’s.”

“Net denying that, but I saw his reaction when I told him you had a crush on him. It was probably one of the cruelest things I saw from him, and you know Negan has a talent for being nasty when he wants to. And I knew he’s not exactly a fan of commitment, it took quite a time before we started calling what we were doing dating. I… I had my suspicions, you know? Didn’t seem to fit in that he suddenly wanted to take you out and be your boyfriend and all of that. But every time you talked about it you looked so excited, and I thought that he was better than this, so I just shut my mouth about it.”

“And if you hadn’t, I’d still have dated him” Rick added, voice firm but gentle. He managed to offer her a crooked smile, and when he felt in her eyes that they’d reached a silent agreement, he nodded. “Nothing to be done about it now, anyway. I guess I just wanted to let it out. Doesn’t sound as much of a tragedy now that I have. So I had a boyfriend and he was a jerk, such a never-heard-before drama, is it?”

Sasha let out a snort of amusement and Rick joined her with a cheeky smile. He didn’t feel his words as much as his brain knew he should, but he also knew that it was a fresh wound. It’d take a little time to heal, but it would. And meanwhile, he’d just have to distract himself to not think of it.

When Sasha left a while later, he immediately sank into one of his books - one he’d borrowed from the university’s library; he didn’t even look at the one Negan had given him. He’d finished working with it some time ago, but still it lied on the middle of his table, open by the middle because he still took it up to read some passage every now and then. He’d have to put it on the shelf sometime later.

It was only a couple minutes later when there was a knock. Rick looked up, slight scowl on his face, and he looked around. Didn’t look like Sasha had forgotten anything. He stood up, opened the door, and took a sharp breath in. He was about to slam the door closed less than a second later, but Negan was stronger than him. A feet went in to stop the door from closing, and then the man’s weigh on the wood made it open further, rendering Rick’s efforts useless.

“Hi, Rick” Negan said quietly, body half-hidden behind the door.

Rick grunted. “Fuck off.”

Negan gave a shrug, and then, with a swift movement, he slipped inside before Rick had time to throw him out again. He rested his weight back on the door, slamming it shut, and in the silence that followed the thud of it Rick and Negan stared into each other’s eyes, one harsh, the other smiling nervously.

“You didn’t give me a chance to explain myself, Rick. I know you’re upset and I understand that, but it’s fucking unfair. I’m not gonna lose my boyfriend because of a damn out-of-context pic. It’s not what it looks like.”

Rick felt apprehension and doubt. On one hand, Negan’s mocking words from last night sounded in his mind again and again, clear as if the man had whispered them in his ear rather than text them. On the other hand, though, no matter how hard he searched Negan’s face, he didn’t see what he was looking for. He saw no intention of bringing up all the intimate things Rick had shown him, like that video or his writing. There was no curve at the edge of Negan’s lips that spoke about hidden mockery, or any hint of cruelty in his eyes.

Rick nodded slowly. Without saying anything, he turned around and walked towards his living room. Negan’s hurried steps followed close behind him.

Negan sat down, biting his lip and hands clasped in the space between his knees. When he saw that Rick chose not to do the same, deciding instead to stand awkwardly with his arms crossed, he made a gesture to do the same, but Rick indicated him to stay down. For a few moments, neither of them said anything. Rick waited for Negan to make the best of the chance he’d asked for, mouth sandpaper dry.

“Simon was being an ass and wouldn’t fucking stop telling me I should go and try to fuck that guy and I didn’t know how the fuck to get him to leave me the fuck alone. So I told him I’d go talk to the fucker for a couple minutes just to get him to shut up. I don’t even remember what we talked about, I spent most of it drinking, and then I was fucking off away from him. It didn’t get to five minutes. And then it turns out Simon had taken a pic and sent it to you. Little fucker’s gonna ask me to buy him a new nose when I stop wanting to murder him the moment I think of him.”

Rick was pretty sure that Negan had said all of that with no more air than a single exhale’s. And exhale Rick did now, all the tension built up to that moment coming out along with it. He felt his muscles soften, and now that they weren’t stiff as they had been up to right now, he felt sort of tired, in a way that made him happy he was. He took in the way Negan was slightly leaning forward, eyes wide, waiting for any sort of response. Rick gave him a soft smile as he moved a little bit closer.

“Your friend’s an asshole.”

“I have noticed” Negan replied grimly.

Rick’s smile grew a little bit wider, and he got closer. He didn’t sit down, but he stood beside Negan, arm settling on the backrest as he looked down at the other man. “I mean, he knows you’re with me, right? And you must have told him again last night, and still he insisted you should hook up with someone else? What’s his problem?”

“Hell if I know. The guy’s just a fucking ass, Rick, there’s no point in trying to figure him out. I gave up on that a long time ago.”

Rick accepted what Negan said, but he couldn’t help wondering, for half a second, why exactly did he sound nervous when he said that. He narrowed his eyes slightly, trying to decide whether he was seeing some tension in Negan’s shoulder or not, and if there was any meaning in the fact that he was facing away from him. After the moment passed, he decided it was of no consequence and shrugged.

“That message he sent me, too. ‘Thought any of it was real?’” Rick recited, with the ease of someone who had run those words over in his head again and again. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Alright, there was definitely something off in the way Negan’s head turned, just enough for his face to be hidden from Rick’s eyes. Rick scowled and leaned, and while Negan didn’t turn away again, he did cast his eyes down to his lap after a quick eye contact. He licked his lips.

“He, huh… That was because he sort of thought I was dating you just to get under your skin and get back at you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know, go out on a couple dates with you, get your hopes up, and then tell you it was all a lie and get a laugh at your face when you heard it. Fucking nonsense, right?”

Negan’s words had lost strength as he went, and by the time he was done, his voice was just a whisper that Rick had to make an effort to make out. And the weaker his words were, the more pronounced the scowl on Rick’s face was. He moved his tongue around in his mouth, trying to get it all wet where it had gone dry, and the soft sense of relief that had recently washed over him was now considerable feebler. He didn’t utter a word until he, slow as if he was crippled, made his way over to the other side of the couch, leaning slightly the backrest, resting his weight on his arms and eyes focused on Negan.

“And why did he think that, Negan?”

Negan visibly swallowed. “I might have told him so myself.”

“I see.”

Negan startled and his wide, frantic eyes met Rick’s. He moved to get closer, but Rick, stone-face and firmly cold, kept his distance. Negan’s lips were pulled back into an anxious grimace, showing his clenched teeth, and he raised his palms, as if trying to take a hold of him without closing the distance.

Funny. He did have a hold on Rick, but what was left of it hurt. It stung, and it burned, and it was a high-pitched, unstandable screech in Rick’s hear that repeated again and again ‘humiliation’. For once, the red on Rick’s face had nothing at all to do with shyness and flusterment.

Negan’s mouth opened, but it was as if he wanted to say far too much all at the same time, because for a few long moments, all that came out was a few confusing sounds that Rick was unable to make sense of. Negan said a syllable, stopped, decided to start out some other way, and again. Then he stopped, took a deep breath, and gave Rick a bashful smile, clearly trying to make fun of himself and include Rick in the joke. Some other time, Rick would have cooed and teased him a bit. Now, it didn’t even make the far corner of his lip turn. Negan dropped it, took another breath, and finally started, eyes quickly falling from Rick’s face into his chest.

“Not anymore. Rick, I fucking swear, not anymore. I, I thought I would toy around with you for a couple days at most, get you worked up and excited and give you the kick, classic asshole move by me. But that was just meant to be a couple days, it’s just how it started out” he quickly added after a brief pause to swallow. “You think I’m petty enough to dedicate all this shitload of time just to be a fucking ass? I’d have taken you out on a couple dates and that’s it. I wouldn’t have taken it this far. I fucking swear, even then I didn’t want to really hurt you, you know? I wouldn’t have let you get so damn invested if it hadn’t gotten out of hand. And fuck, Rick, it did, it did like hell. I don’t want to hurt you, not at all, and I haven’t for a very long time. I was in love with you before I even knew I was. All you had to do was smile at me a couple times and you had me beaten at my own game without even knowing it.”

Negan pretty much hadn’t breathed all through it this time either, and now he looked up at Rick, panting to catch his breath and face full of anxious hope. He traced the faint, weak edges of a crooked smile, as if begging Rick to show him the smile he was talking about. His hands reached out, and this time, Rick decided not to stand away. Negan’s hands closed on his shirt, gentle and unsure, but they didn’t draw him in. It was more like Negan was trying to anchor himself to Rick, instead of the other way around. There was a slight tremble in his hands; it was like he  _ needed _ to. When he saw it, Rick felt some of the indifference he’d covered himself into start to falter.

“Please, Rick” he whispered, almost mouthed it with no air coming from within to carry out the sound, “please. Look at me. I could never want to hurt you. I love you too much for that.” There was a short silence. Negan’s face fell a little more. “Rick, I fucking swear, I’m telling the truth. You gotta believe me.”

Not unkindly, Rick took Negan’s hands and untangled them from the fabric. He moved to sit down, and although Negan’s immediate response was to move closer, press to his side and cling to him, Rick’s hand came up in a gesture that clearly said he wanted space. Negan looked conflicted for a moment, but eventually he moved to the other side of the couch, leaving a small yet vast space between the two of them.

Rick closed his eyes and tilted his head down, taking deep breaths in an effort to take control of his expression. Was he flattered by what Negan had just told him? A little bit, he wasn’t gonna lie. But he wasn’t gonna let Negan see the little smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Thinking about what had been said just before, Rick found resolve more than enough to school his face into control.

“I do believe you” he finally said, quiet, avoiding eye contact. He felt Negan jump in his seat next to him.

“Is all this shit past us, then?”

“No.”

“Oh. But we’re still together, right?”

“I need to think about it. As of right now, no, we’re not.”

“Oh.”

“What do you want me to say, Negan?” Rick sighed, deep and hurt. “All of that… It’s painful, you know. Even if it’s changed, it was there and you’ve been hiding it from me and having to learn about it like this, it hurts a lot. It’s not the kind of shit you just shrug off because you want to. Surely you understand that, right?”

Negan fidgeted uncomfortably on his seat. Risking a quick glance, Rick found him with his hands between his knees and his eyes firmly set on the floor, shoulders square with tension. “I do.”

“You should have told me a lot sooner.”

“Shit, if we go down that path, I shouldn’t have done any of it to begin with.”

“Were you even planning to let me know at any point? Even to just clear your conscience about it?"

“I got a lot of practice ignoring my conscience, baby” Negan hummed, shooting him a small, fake grin that most definitely didn’t cover the shame in his eyes. Rick didn’t need any more to know. He nodded dryly and looked away, lips so thin they went white.

He had a right to know about that kind of shit. It involved him directly, and if Negan had just come to him about it on his own, if he had wanted to tell him at all on his own terms, then Rick wouldn’t have hesitated to brush it aside. Looked like Negan preferred easy, though.

And then, silent and rigid, Negan stood up. He turned away and started walking towards the entrance. Rick’s eyes shot towards him, and he felt his breath come short at the same time his heart clenched painfully on his chest. Before Negan could get too far, he went after him and grabbed his hand.

Negan was leaving, just like that. That wasn’t what was supposed to happen.

“Aren’t you going to try to get me to give you a second chance?” he almost grunted, voice not completely under control under the mix of fear and anger. He let go of Negan, and was relieved to see that he stayed where he was.

Negan wasn’t supposed to just go like that. He was supposed to insist a bit, maybe say sorry a couple more times, and then Rick would tell him that it was a matter of giving him a bit of time to digest the whole thing, is all, but of course I want to go back with you. I love you. But none of that worked if Negan decided that his relationship with Rick wasn’t as dear to him as he’d just led Rick to believe it was, and then walked out. Rick gritted his teeth. He wasn’t gonna let himself be played so easily a second time.

But there was a softness in Negan’s face when he turned around that melted away everything that had a hint of violence in Rick. He was smiling, not aggressively bright and mischievous as it always was on Negan’s face, but serene and gentle. Negan cupped Rick’s cheeks and brought him in, placing a chaste kiss on the middle of his forehead.

“Of course I am, Rick. Not letting you go without a damn fight. But this, right now, it isn’t about me. It’s about you. You don’t need me overwhelming you with my neediness and all that loud shit I always do. That’s the right thing to do right now, isn’t it? Letting you know what happened, then giving you some time and space. I’m doing a damn effort not to beg you on my knees, so I hope it is.”

Rick was speechless for a moment, taking in just how perfectly Negan had seen what Rick needed, without needing a single word to lead him there. He felt a slight, happy blush appear on his cheeks, which were starting to stretch with the beginnings of a smile.

“You need to come back to insist.”

Negan laughed and leaned to kiss Rick’s cheek. His eyes were still calm and sort of pained, but there was the hint of a spark in his expression right before he closed the door.

“Don’t worry, baby, I will. It’s gonna take a lot more than me sabotaging myself for me to give up on you.”


	12. End of the game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, after yet another hiatus: The final chapter. God, I'm sorry I took so long, I just... blocked, you know. But I did my real best, so I hope at least it feels like a proper ending! Thank you to the ones who read this far, you're all the best <3

_ ‘Can you come over?’ _

It didn’t take even a full minute for Negan to answer: **_‘im on my way’_ **

**_‘wait’_ **

**_‘you mean immediately right’_ **

**_‘shit you didnt mean immediately’_ **

Rick couldn’t help smiling at the screen. Over the last few days, he’d been exchanging a small handful of cautious texts with Negan, some awkward, some affectionate, some shallow, others not so much. Regardless of that, Negan had at no moment stopped being a ball of nerves that never left Rick waiting for more than two minutes. It was sort of cute.

_ ‘Relax, I did. Wanna see you’ _

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

“Rick?”

“Yes?”

“Are you completely, absolutely, fuckingly, shittingly sure I have to do this?”

Rick cocked his eyebrow, slightly puzzled. Specially since Negan had happily gone through the trouble of contacting as many old acquaintances and out-of-touch friends in order to get the number, now dialed on Negan’s phone. Now that he was a tap away from calling Lucille, though, any semblance of good mood had disappeared from his face, and he looked as if he was about to throw up breakfast, instead.

Rick’s brow furrowed. “You’re the one who came up with the idea.”

“Yeah, I know, I’m not that fucking dumb. It’s just…” Negan made some vague gestures with his hands. “I was just throwing the idea out there to see what you’d say. It depends on you, really. And fuck, I mean, if you want me to, of damn course I will, but you know, it’s not like…”

Negan’s rambling got lower and lower until no words could be made out. Rick sighed internally and raised his hand. Negan immediately went quiet, offering an expectant look in exchange of Rick’s mildly concerned one.

“Negan, I wanted you to do it because I think it’ll be good for you and, let’s be real here, because you weren’t gonna do it on your own. You need the push. But if you really, really don’t want to do it then you don’t have to. It’s been years. She’s probably more over it than you are.”

Negan stared silently for a few moments. Rick took in all the tiny changes in his eyes coming one after the other, trying to figure out what exactly was going on inside the man’s mind. Eventually, Negan shook his head.

“Shit. No. I’m not gonna go back on this now. I have to. I owe it to her.”

Rick wouldn’t say it out loud, but something in his chest, relief or pride or a mix of both, lightened up. He gave Negan a smile and a thumbs up, which Negan did his best to return without any nerves as he finally hit the button and raised the phone to his ear. Rick saw him close his eyes and pinch his nose, letting out a minute sigh. The second his shoulders squared, Rick knew she’d picked up.

“Lucille?”

“Yeah, it’s Negan. Hm, hi.”

“Good, I’m good. How about you?”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“Right, right. Yeah, I do have a reason to call you. And yeah, I’m stalling. Is it that obvious? Yeah, it’s that fucking obvious. Look, Lucille, I, huh… Fuck, sorry. That’s it. I wanted to say sorry.”

“I  _ know _ . Believe me, I know. It’s just… I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately, you know? And I’m seeing a lot of shit I don’t like, and, and, well. I fucking owe you an apology. A real one this time. What I did, that shit wasn’t right, and you didn’t deserve that no matter what, least of all ‘cause I’m a fucking coward who was scared to have anything real and didn’t have the guts to do things properly. It fucked you up, I knew it would, and I did it anyway. And that’s not fair. So yeah, too many years late, and I know it’s not enough, but I needed to say sorry. You deserved better.”

“I understand.”

“Thank you. Thank you, thank you, fucking thank you. You’re the best, Lucille. And for what it’s worth, I hope your life is all kinds of fucking fantastic right now.”

“Oh? Always thought he had a thing for you. He’s a great guy. I’m happy to hear that.”

“Me? Yeah, I have a boyfriend. He’s just like you, you know? Too damn good for me. Almost fucked things up with him a couple times, but as I said, too good.”

“Goodbye, Lucille. Thank you again.”

Negan dropped the phone onto the couch, and he sank down as he let out a long, loud wheeze. A moment later, though, his expression gave way to a tired smile.

“We’re not gonna be friends, but I think it was good, for the both of us” he mused.

Rick didn’t ask for details about her end of the conversation, nor did he acknowledge how Negan had visibly faltered when referring to him as his boyfriend. Instead, he changed couch, making himself comfortable next to Negan, and put a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m proud of you” he said with a smile. Negan smiled back, somewhat shyly, and after a second of hesitation, put his own hand on top of Rick’s.

“Yeah? I’m proud of myself too. I think I deserve a reward, don’t you?” he asked, wriggling his eyebrows. “C’mon, babe, you know how much I need you. It’s the least I deserve.”

Rick didn’t acknowledge the sincerity of the statement, hidden underneath the playful tone. Instead, he rolled his eyes as he pushed Negan’s face away. “Why do I have the feeling I’m gonna be hearing a lot of this?”

“You told me to insist, who am I to question you?”

Rick gave him a quiet look, not quite able or willing to hide the smile in his eyes. “You’re right, I did” he hummed under his breath.

They watched a movie after that, lights out, and the only reason Rick could make out the shapes of Negan’s body was the soft glow of the TV screen. Neither of them mentioned that their hands found each other ten minutes into it, and didn’t let go.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

“Should I cut ties with Simon?”

Rick stopped short, the glass of beer in his hand stilling a palm away from his mouth. He frowned, set the drink back onto the bar, and turned on his stool to better face Negan.

“What?”

“I asked if you want me to stop being friends with Simon.”

Rick’s frown deepened. “Why are you asking me this? I don’t see how that’s my choice, Negan.”

“Yeah, but, you know.” Negan made some gesturing with his hand, eyes kinda more open than usual. “He’s a fucking ass! He was an ass to you. Still mad at him for it.”

“Negan,  _ you _ are an ass.”

“Good point. But he’s a bigger ass. What he did was too much even for me.”

Despite the apparent conviction, at this point Rick knew Negan well enough to be able to tell apart the hint of uncertainty and doubt on the underside of his voice. With a sigh, he took Negan’s hands and lowered them down to the bar. Immediately, Negan turned them up to lock fingers with Rick’s.

“Keep in mind that he only did that because of what you did and didn’t tell him” Rick pointed out. Before he was even finished, Negan was positively chastised, giving a look that reminded Rick of a dog with his ears down. He rubbed his thumb over the back of Negan’s hand. “Yeah, he  _ is _ an ass. If you want to quit him, then, by all means, go ahead and do it. But don’t do it because you think it’s what I want, and even if it was, you shouldn’t. Not my call. I don’t want you denying yourself because of me, alright?”

Negan emitted a low hum. Rick poked more into him.

“Do you want to?”

“I… I don’t know, Rick. Fuck, he is pretty much what I want to stop being, but I’ve known him for a shitton long time, and I have no moral high ground here. I guess, I guess I’ll have to think about it.”

Negan still had that half-chastised, half-confused puppy look. Therefore, Rick felt no reason to deny his impulse to reach out and pet him like a dog. The effect was immediate: Negan jokingly cursed him off as he shoved Rick’s hand away. They were left smiling, staring at each other’s eyes as if they’d been laughing all along.

“Wait, I don’t get a kiss?” Rick arched his eyebrow. Negan rolled his eyes and moved his hand as if to wave a fly away. “I know, you didn’t like this one, but I’m doing my best damn effort here to show I’m willing to be better, baby!”

There it was again, the joke hiding the honesty. Rick felt a pang of yearning. He took a moment, and then he reached out. He took Negan’s hand to his lips and placed a kiss on his knuckles. He let his cheek rest on Negan’s hand, and he smiled at the way Negan’s cheeks colored with joy.

“You’re already good enough, Negan. You’ve improved a lot. You have things to work on, but so do the rest of us. I like you just the way you are.”

He’d never seen Negan’s cheeks go that red.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

There was some tension lingering in the air. He was noticing it and it was honestly making him sort of uncomfortable. But, from where he was standing, the best way to make it go away completely was not acknowledging its existence at all. Therefore, Rick stuck to slurping on his strawberry ice cream shake.

At his side sat Negan, effortlessly keeping up with the conversation, but eyes firmly glued to the napkin he was folding and unfolding and folding again with one hand, the other placed on Rick’s back. It was a feeble attempt at throwing his arm over his boyfriend’s shoulders, that left him with neither the comfort of actually doing it, nor the safety of not doing it at all.

In front of them, Andrea was sharply aware of that, if the way she looked at Negan’s arm, brow furrowed, was any indication. The looks she gave Negan weren’t helping much, either. But to be fair, half an hour earlier she was giving him nothing more than monosyllables and now she was only slightly skeptical. He may not have said it, but Rick knew Negan was grateful.

“So” she asked after a particularly long stretch of silence, putting the bottom of her straw on her lips and taking the whipped cream in there, “you two back together, then?”

Negan’s hand on Rick tensed, and then, definitely not as discreetly as he intended it to, it went down. He gave no answer. Rick just shrugged. The answer was yes, he knew that, but at the moment, he couldn’t find the exact words for ‘yes but my trust still isn’t done healing so we’re at a weird place where we know there are limits but we don’t know where they are.’

Instead, he grinned and said, “you’re starting to sound like my students every time they think they can get a date out of me.”

He got a napkin ball to the face. Negan’s tension broke out into a laugh, which Rick quickly joined.

 

“Well, that was awkward” Negan said an hour later, when they were walking back to his car. “Better than expected, but awkward.”

“It went good” Rick assured. “If she thought you’re still up to no good, she wouldn’t have tried any friendliness, believe me. Now word will spread I’m not an idiot for doing this and next time you see my friends they won’t try to murder you.”

“What a relief” Negan replied dryly.

Later, when he dropped Rick at his place, Negan seemed not entirely sure what was the proper way to say goodbye. Therefore, Rick was the one to hug him and place a kiss on his cheek. He saw that Negan’s lips had opened for a moment, expecting another sort of kiss. He also saw no traces of disappointment in his eyes afterwards; only affection with a hint of hope.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

A faint trace of chocolate remained in Rick’s mouth. He tasted it on Negan’s lips too, when they met again after so long.

It was just like any other night. Nothing really unusual had happened. Negan had invited him over for homemade dinner, he’d bragged a bit about his cooking skills, and then he’d surprised Rick by pulling out a chocolate cake just for him. Negan was kind of sheepish when he admitted that baking wasn’t his strong point and he’d needed a couple tries to get the recipe right. He joked he hoped Rick didn’t ditch him over how bad it was.

When Rick gingerly put some cake in his mouth while they watched a movie together, he thought he didn’t remember chocolate ever tasting that good.

And then the movie ended, and instead of saying goodbye and thank you for the dinner, then going back home, Rick let a comfortable silence drag out between the two of them. When he turned to look at Negan, he was met with Negan looking right back at him. There was just enough light in the room for Rick to see that Negan’s eyes went down to his lips.

Rick felt an impulse. It felt right. He followed it, and then the distance between them was gone and they were chasing that little bit of sweetness that remained on the other’s tongue.

Negan’s eyes closed immediately and he hummed into Rick’s mouth. His hands went up to cup Rick’s face, quick and needy, but a second later, the grip turned so much gentler, just like the movement of his lips did. Rick smiled into Negan’s kiss, letting his hands crawl up until they met behind his neck, bringing him closer.

When they separated, Negan’s hands remained on Rick’s face, and Rick’s remained laced behind Negan’s neck. Their foreheads pressed together, and they breathed each other’s air as their eyes continued locked together.

Rick licked his lower lip. They were close enough that he brushed Negan’s in the process. “It’s gotten pretty late. Do you mind if I spend the night here?”

Negan answered by kissing him again, this time with his arms wrapped around Rick’s body like he intended to never let go.

A shower later, some awkwardness as they got into bed, and Negan’s arms were wrapped around Rick again, just as needy and loving as before. Rick smiled, ran his hands through Negan’s hair, and his eyes sparkled in response to the low snore Negan gave against his shirt in response. Negan’s face was pressed to Rick’s side, his legs up and wrapped around Rick’s thighs. It didn’t look like a very comfortable position, but Negan looked as peaceful as he could be.

He looked like a kid who had found his lost security blanket.

Rick didn’t realize he’d gotten lost in looking at the man until he felt his phone, half-out of his hand and into the mattress, buzz. He startled. He immediately checked that he hadn’t disturbed Negan, and after relaxing at seeing that he hadn’t, he frowned at his phone. He should turn it off for the night and just enjoy the situation. He lightened up a bit when he saw it was Sasha, though. He’d messaged her before; he had promised her he’d let her know of any developments or changes in his relationship with Negan, just for her peace of mind.

**_‘You two are back together then?’_ **

Rick already knew the answer, but still, he let his eyes wander off to his boyfriend’s face as if searching for it. The softest smile he could give lighted up his face.

“I love you” he whispered into the dark.

_ ‘Of course we are. I could never stay away from him.’ _


End file.
